m a r c h 2 0 1 6 A L I V E E A S T B A Y 19 In April of 2011, I wrote an article entitled, I Might Be a Dinosaur. Being 49 years old at the time, I was fearful that my friends and I were headed for extinction because we were showing signs of sluggishness, contentment, being slow to adapt and resistant of change. Since that time, I think I’ve stepped up my game. I’ve lost a little weight, updated my wardrobe at Forever 51 and I’ve been watching American Horror Story on the FX network despite the fact that I find it very disturbing. I might never be confused for a “Millennial,” but I wouldn’t necessarily want to be a snobby tech-centric, SOMO living, hoverboard burning, LIFT riding, skinny pants wearing, app loving 30-birdy. If I were old, which I am not, I would know that I was old if I started to recognize the following signs: —If you complain of being sore the day after an evening bocceball match, you might be getting old. —If you complain that your kid’s music is too loud... when they’re wearing headphones, you might be getting old. —If you fall asleep at the dinner table during a “late” meal and it’s only 7:30, you might be getting old. —If your idea of walking the dog is to the front door and back, you might be getting old. —If your kids regularly ask you if you went to school with Abraham Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, Babe Ruth or Jesus, you might be getting old. —If you color your hair because the drapes don’t match the carpet anymore, you might be getting old. —If you avoid activities such as bowling, dancing and yard work because you can’t risk the chance of injury, you might be getting old. —If your kids believe their parents might have been abducted by aliens and they’re now being raised by their grandpar- ents, you might be getting old. —If your wife bought you a piece of jewelry for Valentine’s Day with the inscription DNA, you might be getting old. —If you only shop at stores that have a section of sensible shoes, you might be getting old. —If your idea of “going commando” includes adult diapers, you might be getting old. —If you need a nap before you have lunch on the weekend, you might be getting old. —If you enjoy getting the monthly AARP magazine for the articles and discount coupons, you might be getting old. —If most of your conversations begin with the term, “Back in my day,” you might be getting old. —If the last song you downloaded, was buying the cassette version of “I Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon, you might be getting old. —If your idea of “going green” means more Kale in your diet, you might be getting old. —If you can really relate to my monthly humor lifestyle articles in ALIVE, you might be getting old. When I was in my teens, I thought anyone over 40 was old. When I was in my 30s, anyone in their 50s seemed old. Now that I’m in my 50s, 70 really doesn’t sound so old. I heard somewhere that as we age we begin to lose our hearing, sight and memory. At least I think that’s what someone said, I don’t really remember because I couldn’t hear or see that person very well. I’m not old, just older, just like a few of my childhood idols who still rock with a boat load of swag. Anyone ever heard of Sir Paul McCartney (73), Muhammad Ali (74), Dan Rather (84), Pete Rose (74), Hugh Heffner (89), Mean Joe Greene (69), Al Pacino (74), and Astronaut Buzz Aldrin (85)? My dog Trudy is old. She’s 12 in people years, which is 84 in dog years. She sleeps a lot and moves slowly. She complains about her aches and pains (with grunts) and is often gassy. She is picky about what she eats and she goes outside about 40 times a day to “do her business.” Up until I wrote the part about going outside, I could have been describing my motherin law. When I am old, I’ll look forward to taking care of my yard, playing golf with my buddies and cheering on our local sports teams. In other words, pretty much doing what I do now on any given weekend. My actual plan includes playing with my future grandchildren, traveling the world and taking advantage of the early bird special at Applebee’s. I don’t fear getting old, I’m just not in any hurry to get there. There’s too much to do leading up to the time when I can’t do it, whatever “it” happens to be. Until then, I’m not old—just getting older, day-byday.
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