Like many in our community, I could use “a little something” when it comes to extra income. My full- time job as a commercial real estate agent has been decimated by this little pandemic. It might also surprise the readers to learn, I get paid very little for coming up with these brilliantly crafted monthly humor lifestyle nuggets for ALIVE. In lieu of a salary or reasonable hourly wage, I am compensated with a certain amount of recognition, notoriety and, dare I say, celebrity status in the community. Yes, I take pride in my craft, but pride doesn’t pay the bills. That said, when Eric “Chief” Johnson tasks me to write “a little something” that might lighten the mood for our readers during an otherwise dark period, then “a little something” is what he’s going to get given that “a little something” is what I’m being paid.
The word “little” is defined as small in size, amount or degree. In this case, it will also include effort. It’s not that I don’t have a little free time on my hands, it’s just I have very little incentive given that I’m getting very little compensation. As is usually the case, when I’m a little short on ideas, I rely a little on the internet. thesaurus.com gives the following synonyms for the word “little”: insufficient, limited, meager, scant, slight, Lilliputian, bantam, brief, diminutive, dinky, infant, infinitesimal, miniature, mini, peanut, petite, short, toy, wee, babyish, elfin, embryonic, fleeting, hasty, imperceptible, inappreciable, microscopic, not big, not large, short-lived, shrimpy, skimpy, sparse, stubby, stunted, teeny, tiny, truncated and undeveloped.
Given my that my vocabulary is a little insufficient, limited, meager, scant, slight, diminutive (you get the picture), I take on this challenge to come up with “a little something” on each of these words that essentially mean the same darn thing, “little”.
Insufficient; The insufficient pay as an Alive magazine columnist, coming up with one brilliant column after another, is depressing.
Limited; I have a limited amount of brilliant ideas, but an unlimited amount of charm.
Meager; Chief must have a meager budget for paying writers and hosting holiday parties. Meager doesn’t begin to describe the cheese and cracker spread at last year’s staff Holidaypalooza.
Lilliputian; I wonder if other regional lifestyle magazines compensate their writers such a Lilliputian amount of money? Truthfully, I thought a Lilliputian was one of the tiny residents of Lilliput from Gulliver’s Travels. I wonder if Lilliput has a magazine looking for brilliant, albeit tall, columnists?
Bantam; Bantam weight boxers get paid less than heavyweights because they’re littler. It’s like that in the magazine business too. The New Yorker, AARP, Good Housekeeping and People are heavyweight magazines. Alive – Bantam weight.
Brief; This is going to be a brief article because I’m not getting paid for it. FYI, I wear boxer briefs if anyone’s interested.
Diminutive; I suppose most regional magazines have a diminutive budget when it comes to compensating their columnists, however, my resume and body of work is not diminutive.
Dinky; Over my career as a columnist, I have only made a dinky amount of money. Dinky is a funny word
Infant; Infants don’t read magazines. They’re too…..wait for it……little.
Infinitesimal; The infinitesimal amount of money in my bank account is either scary or laughable.
Miniature; I could probably buy a miniature horse if I got a miniature amount of money for my articles.
Mini; I could probably buy a Mini-Cooper if I got even a mini amount of money for my articles. Confidentially, I was always a fan of the miniskirt. Let’s bring that back to lift our spirits.
Peanut; In reality, magazine writers in general make peanuts unless you’re Dave Berry, Rick Reilly, Rona Barrett or Charles Shultz. See what I did there, Charles Shultz created the comic strip Peanuts. I crack myself up.
Petite; I have been called many things in my lifetime, but petite is not one of them. My Visa debit card could be said to have a petite balance right now.
Short; I’ll be coming up short paying next month’s mortgage unless my Door Dash deliveries start picking up a little.
Toy; I’ve never been fond of Toy Poodles unless I could breed and sell them for more than toy amounts of cash.
Wee; Me articles are filled with a wee pit of the blarney and a wee bit of shenanigans.
Babyish; I know it sounds babyish to complain about my lack of compensation, but even babies have got bills to pay. Diaper bills, formula bills, toy bills, (both little bills and bills for actual toys).
Elfin; Chief expects me to exist on an elfin compensation which would be acceptable if I were an elf or hobbit, or a troll, but I’m a big person.
Embryonic; My daughters have an embryonic knowledge of writer’s compensation rates.
Fleeting; My fleeting bank account balance could use an infusion of capital.
Hasty; I’d be a bit hasty if I started fielding another magazine’s offer right away.
Imperceptible and inappreciable; That’s exactly how appreciated I’m feeling at ALIVE.
Hasty; I won’t be hasty when I’m fielding other offers.
Not big and Not large; Too obvious. You don’t need to be a highly sought-after humor lifestyle columnist to get these little compensation references.
Microscopic; That will be my ALIVE W2 tax statement in 2020. Microscopic.
Short-lived; My career at ALIVE might be short-lived if I keep this banter up much longer.
Shrimpy; Shrimps are delicious little fish thingies, but who can afford them on my salary?
Skimpy; I wonder if the other columnist at ALIVE are paid as skimpy as I am?
Small; I don’t like or respect small-minded people, especially when it comes to issues of race, religion, sexual orientation or magazine article topics.
Sparse; Advertising revenue must be sparse at ALIVE world headquarters.
Stubby; When I think of stubby, I think of little guys who are packing on a few pounds. I’m a lean, mean writing machine. There’s nothing stubby about me except the size of my wallet.
Stunted; Magazine writers typically have a stunted self-worth given our lack of income generation.
Teeny and Tiny; I wish my overhead was teeny tiny, but the bills keep coming.
Truncated; I had to look this one up, but while it is assumed that my salary was truncated when we went from a hard copy magazine to an online periodical, but in reality that had no impact at all.
Undeveloped; The compensated package at ALIVE is undeveloped as is my sense of humor.
I’m obviously having a little COVID 19 fun with my boss at ALIVE. He’s a great guy for an elfin Lilliputian magazine publisher. This Coronavirus has proven to be more than a dinky inconvenience for everyone reading our diminutive periodical. What many of us assumed would just be a tiny adjustment to our daily/weekly routine has proven to be a life-altering change for this community. The key is to not be overwhelmed with negativity. Life will get better, probably right around November 5th. Just a guess on my part. In the meantime, let’s all try to find a little something to make life more enjoyable for ourselves and those around us.
Leave a Reply