As Christmas rapidly approaches, I instinctively think of traditional Yuletide essentials that are as relevant today as they were 50, 75 or 100 years ago. No, I’m not talking about eggnog. That holiday egg, milk, vanilla drink is totally gross, but Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without such traditional trappings as a jolly Santa at every mall, nativity scenes out in front of a church or mistletoe inappropriately scattered throughout the workplace. Everyone loves Christmas presents under the Christmas tree, neighborhoods decorated with millions of Christmas lights and a scented holiday wreath hanging on the front door or over the fireplace mantle. As a family, we especially love sending and receiving the ever popular annual Shuttlerfly Christmas photo cards. I’m even proudly wearing an ugly wool Christmas sweater right now, compliments of my dear old Aunt Dorothy. 
One of my absolute favorite holiday traditions is to sing the always popular and joyful Christmas Carol. You can’t sing a Christmas carol without a smile on your face and the Christmas spirit in your heart. Just think about all the popular Christmas carols we’ve listened to over the years and how much we enjoy hearing our children belt out those same songs (albeit out of tune and a little off key). Such holiday classics as Jingle Bells, Silent Night, I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas, Oh Christmas Tree, Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, Little Drummer Boy and Joy to the World, bring, well, Joy to the World. I also love reminiscing about all the wonderful recording artists that have performed these treasured holiday classics over the years. When I was a child, my parents introduced me to the carol stylings of Mr. Bing Crosby, Perry Como, Andy Williams, Paul Anka and the Carpenters. More recently, now that I am considered musically challenged and horribly out of touch, my children have introduced me to some wonderful holiday vocal arrangements by contemporary performers including; Miss Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson Josh Groban, Rascal Flatts, Dave Matthews and Beyonce.
Sadly, the one musical genre not represented on the radio with a traditional Christmas Carol is rap. Where are the Christmas song offerings of Mr. Eminem, Pitbull, Nicki Minaj, Lil Wayne, Macklemore or Kanye West? I don’t even recall the original rap gangsters such as Ice Tea, Ice Cube, MC Hammer or DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince doing a Christmas carol back in the day (although, now that I think of it, Tone Loc might have come out with Funky Cold Menorah back in December of 1989).
Just like any other genre, rap has its place at the piano, as people at office gatherings or neighborhood block parties get together to ring in the holidays through song.
With the unauthorized assistance of my favorite rap lyricist, Dr.Suess, I have crafted the following rap Christmas carol paying homage to my beloved town of Danville. If I can get two turntables and a microphone, with a beat box accompaniment, feel free to sing along with MC Mr. Mike to All the Dans Down in Danville rap Christmas carol.
Every Dan, down in Danville, likes Christmas a lot
But the Dans were all busy, with little time left to shop
There was still much to do, life was moving non-stop
With the day drawing nearer no time on the clock.
The pace of our lives, it’s like running a race
With Dan work and Dan school it’s double the pace
There’s never the bandwidth, real-time doesn’t last
If you blink for a moment you’ll be left in the past
You see Danville was just… a town sleepy and kind
Not far from the regions of high tech and wine
The Dans shopped at malls, bought gift cards online
But this fast pace of life was a strange state of mind
Moms baked their Dan-cookies, Dad hung the Dan-lights
We wrapped our Dan-presents and went to Dan-parties at nights
With the Dan-conomy in flux, not fruitful not tight
To own shares of Dan Twitter or Dan Apple would be a wonderful sight
The children of Danville were all still in school
They had finals to take and projects past due
They longed for their break, one week – no wait, two
To sleep late in the day, chill and be cool
Kids will be kids no matter where at
But the kids of today are consumed by Snap Chat
It wasn’t like that we wore kid hats
I miss those simpler Dan times, before I was fat
Our neighbors are nice… and none are a GRINCH
And if you ask them quite nicely, they will help in a pinch.
And when they are helping most would give more than an inch
It’s that neighborly feel that made choosing Danville a cinch.
When the big day arrives, I’ll dress in all fleece
My wife will be working, preparing our feast
Yes, the Dans like to feast… oh we feast and we feast
We feast on Dan Turkey, Dan Ham and Dan Beef
The day rarely gets cold, rainy or wet
Christmas day in Danville will be gorgeous I bet
After breakfast and church the family is all set
To open our gifts with carols streaming the net
Then cousins come over, aunts and uncles abound
They converge on the house from all over town
There is football to watch as Dan-snacks litter the ground
It’s chaos galore with a deafening sound
When dinner is eaten and dessert all consumed
Dan kiddies grow tired and adults start to swoon
Cars will be loaded, Dans piling out of the room
The end of a day that ended too soon
Dan hugs and Dankisses, goodbyes loud and clear
The day was so nice, filed with laughter and cheer
In just one more week a new year will be here
Time is moving so quickly, we’re getting older I fear
Christmas is not about presents, ribbons or wrappings
It’s not about toys, tinsel, trimmings or trappings
The holidays are about joy, traditions and samplings
For all the Dans down in Danville love the holiday happenings
Word!
It may not be the type of carol the kids learn in school, but I think it’s got potential to catch on at Elliot’s bar in downtown Danville. I might see if I can word-smith a similar tune for my friends in Alamo and San Ramon…next year. Until then, when you’re sitting in front of your Christmas tree sipping a cup of that gross and nasty eggnog, know that MC Mr. Mike is wishing you all a happy and healthy holiday season. Merry Christmas.
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