Kristina Kilbourne

I Now Pronounce You…

August 10, 2014 by Kristina Kilbourne Leave a Comment

I Now Pronounce you Rachael Ray’s cousin on her father’s side twice removed…

As a newly married woman, part of one of my many duties is to be the chef of our home. Now, even though I don’t mind this position it can be extremely demanding, and that’s something I just wasn’t ready for. Growing up I never cooked anything. My mom was like Gina Neely, my grandmother was like Paula Dean (pre-scandal), and my mom’s sister (my aunt/godmother) was the authentic Betty Crocker in the family, so I was pretty much covered when it came to food. My entire family probably could have been food network stars, so naturally when I married my husband he thought he was getting Rachael Ray. Here’s the problem with that… I knew how to cook, I just never tried it and of course I wasn’t going to tell him that. I never thought I would have to cook for a man who claimed all he needed was sandwiches and cereal, but just like anchovies on a pizza…I was wrong!

Thank God for my secret weapons, Pinterest and Fresh and Easy Grocery stores, because the two of them together for me was like cooking for dummies. So I have been using my aides to get me through these past few months of new-wife hood, but something went grossly wrong last week with the stuffed chicken I made. One more incident like that and I won’t be able to keep my Rachael Ray facade up for much longer. I mean my husband is bound to start figuring things out.

I can’t really explain why none of my first time meals (which is pretty much all of them) have never gone wrong before last week, but they just haven’t. So of course, like most prodigies my head got sort of big. The bigger my head got the more my husband expected. So at this point I’ve surpassed Rachael Ray in my mind and I’m feeling more like Bree Va De Kamp from ABC’s Desperate Housewives... that is until he told his father that I’m cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year and to bring the whole family. All I remember from that point on was lying on the floor as he was bent over me pressing a cold towel to my forehead and asking if I was okay. I couldn’t believe it; he had unintentionally unknowingly told the biggest lie ever to my in-laws, and it was all my fault. When I told Karma that she skipped some people I never mentioned my own name. This just can’t be happening! I just figured out how to fry chicken for goodness sake, now I’ve got to prepare a whole turkey?

Lesson one from this whole debacle: never forget what level of chef you really are. Just because a few meals turn out fantastic doesn’t mean you’ve skipped levels from novice to intermediate.

Lesson two: never believe what your husband says pre-marriage about what your duties as his wife will be. Just don’t believe the hype. He’s lying to you and the poor guy might not even know it.

Last, but not least Lesson three: find a support group where you can tell the truth and be yourself.

I have chosen you, our ALIVE readers to be my support group. So, now I’m not ashamed to say, “My name is Kristina I’m a recovering cooking con-artist. I’ve been clean for almost a week now (mostly because we’ve been eating takeout), but I’m here to declare that I may not be Rachael Ray, but through Pinterest and Fresh and Easy Grocery stores I’m like Rachel Ray’s cousin on her father’s side twice removed, and for this week I’m okay with that. Just don’t tell my husband.

Congratulations…You’re Hired!

June 7, 2014 by Kristina Kilbourne Leave a Comment

No one ever told me that being a wife was a job, well at least not directly. I’ve heard from a select few that it’s a lot of work, although not back breaking, vacationless, “better not clock-in late,” 24/7, kind of work. It’s only been three months since the honeymoon and already I’m his personal chef, counselor, maid, and sex slave, amongst other things. I’m not complaining, it’s just I wasn’t prepared for this.

I remember a couple of years ago I had made a list of what I felt would be the perfect husband: he would be handsome and charming, he would cook and clean, he would be romantic and affectionate, strong but open with his emotions. He wouldn’t have an issue with communication, would be extremely loyal, could make me laugh, and kept God first. My husband was exactly what I had prayed for; at first, but then I started to realize how many versions of these qualities one can have.

Now, there isn’t anyone in the world that I’d rather spend my life with, but I got played. Everything I asked for I received, just not how I thought I would receive it. This was truly a lesson well learned. You see, my husband is very handsome and charming on paper and in photographs, but the private itching, belching, gassy guy who I see everyday, is a long way from Disney charming. But he is handsome. He cooks too, but he’s no gourmet chef. He’s not even a Pinterest chef, because he only knows how to make eggs, toast, frozen waffles, and chicken Top Ramen.

He cleans his sneaker collection all the time but just doesn’t do much of anything else outside of himself, his wardrobe, and his accessories. He is very romantic on special occasions like our anniversary and Valentines Day, considers a slap on the butt the most endearing display of affection, and makes sure to show me this kind of love at least five times a day. He is very strong and open with his emotions pertaining to sports, and has no problem communicating his beliefs regarding who got voted off of NBC’s The Voice when the results are in. He’s extremely loyal to his online videogame crew, and makes me laugh every time he thinks he knows more than I do about… well, everything.

He loves God, and puts Him first, so there’s no complaint there, but listening, hearing, and doing are all totally separate things. So you see, I got what I asked for: a great guy whose elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top just yet, because the building is undergoing new management and some construction; hence my 24/7 job, but overall shows great promise.

On the way home the other day I was talking to my husband and we had a small disagreement pertaining to the roles we play as husband and wife in our marriage. Of course like most Christian men, he knows he is the head of the household, but he took me by sincere surprise when he dubbed himself the president and told me I was the governor. I mean a sistah couldn’t even make Vice President. What is that about? I thought I had more than enough credentials to make it into the White House, but no, I got stuck with being the governor of a rural land with nothing and no one to rule over; we don’t have children yet, or even a dog, so what did I get really?

I remember before I got married my husband told me I never had to cook for him, that he wasn’t high maintenance at all. He said, “Babe, seriously, you never have to cook if you don’t want to. As long as I can make a sandwich or some Top Ramen, I’m good.” The first problem with this statement is that I believed it; the second thing wrong is that I never got this in writing.

Let this be a lesson to engaged women everywhere. Don’t believe the hype, because where am I at this very moment; standing at a hot stove roasting potatoes in the oven and frying chicken in a skillet in 100 degree heat, because my husband came home and said, “Babe whatcha cooking for dinner? I’m craving some fried chicken.”

Marriage is the most wonderfully rewarding job you will ever have in your life where the “Boss” is annoyingly frustrating, but great to look at; the pay is non-existent, the benefits are few and far between, you get no sick or vacation days, but everyday you choose to be there over any other place in the world. Cheers to being a married woman in the 21st century!

I Now Pronounce You… Awkward

May 8, 2014 by Kristina Kilbourne 1 Comment

Have you ever had that awkward feeling right before an anticipated moment, because you knew everyone around you was anticipating it too? No? Well welcome to your wedding night!

My family and I grew up in very traditional Christian homes, so the ideas of sex were taboo until marriage—or at least they were supposed to be! But with the wave of technology and the change in censorship within the entertainment industry it is easy for a girl to research what she was going to be up against.

My engagement to my husband was the hardest two years of my life. I held on so tightly to my Christian values that the moment my wedding day came I had just three things on my mind; I couldn’t wait to say “I do,” I couldn’t wait to eat, and I couldn’t wait for my wedding night. I had overloaded my brain with so many cosmopolitan articles on what to do and what not to do that I was like a kid who couldn’t keep still during church because she knew was getting ice cream afterward.

Needless to say my mother and a slew of other family members were just as excited…Hold up, huh? I was completely unprepared for the transformation that my family seemed to undergo in a matter of seconds. They went from the Huxtables to the Kardashians over the course of a 30-minute ceremony. Everyone I knew was celebrating our soon-to-be-consummated marriage by shouting bedroom tips to us as we got ready to settle in for the night. When we go in our room we were followed by that same overly excited crowd who were interested to see how equipped our suite was setup for the evenings “activities,” and after being pleased with the room they all left out with quiet chants and well wishes for a “successful” night.

As they closed the door we could still hear the lingering sounds of a few people outside of our room, but were they listening? No, instead they were discussing—dare I say—different “positions” and “maneuvers” that I could try that worked for them. My husband and I just awkwardly looked at each other as the last voice we heard was a little boy talking to his mom saying, “I know what their gonna do.”

As my husband walked over to me, small beads of sweat began to form on my brow. I had a lump in my throat and swallowed loudly as I imagined my family members in their rooms right up above us with an over turned glass on the floor listening just long enough to tell when “it” had begun.

As he got closer I closed my eyes tightly. I had been waiting for this moment for what seemed like forever and now that my family was waiting for it too, I could literally climb under a rock. When I opened my eyes my husband said “So is everyone expecting us to…” “Yep,” I assured him. He shook his head and said “I’m starving you want to eat?” And that was how we spent our first night as husband and wife–watching TV and eating…until we were sure everyone else was sleep.

The moral of this cautionary tale? Beware of the Kardashians in your family!