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Michael Copeland

What am I going to be for Halloween (v2)?

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My Annual Costume Conundrum

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays, right up there with Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day and Arbor Day – who doesn’t like planting trees? What’s the biggest difference between Halloween and all other holidays of lesser fun? On Halloween you are required to wear a costume. Dressing up in a costume is so cool. If you can find just the right apparel and accessories a good costume can transform a person into anything or anyone that they might want to be for a night. The same can be said about cross dressing, not that there’s anything wrong with that. As much as I like and take pride in my annual costumes, every year it’s the same question, what am I going to be for Halloween? It doesn’t matter that I’m now 58 and stopped Trick-or-Treating when I was a kid (23), there’s still a lot of pressure to find just the perfect costume.

“I’m going to be a cowgirl, cause I already got all the stuff. I’ve got boots, a hat, a vest and a bandana. Wanna see?” Lauren B. Age 9, Danville.

When I was a youngster, my mother made most of my costume decisions. I never minded this, however, try as I might, she just wouldn’t buy into my creative costume ideas of serial killer, big time wrestler or adult film star. Despite my protests, I wore all the traditional homemade classics such as pirate, cowboy, caveman and toilet paper mummy. During those tough adolescent years, when money was tight because dad was dressing up as a degenerate gambler every weekend during football season, I was convinced to wear dirty old clothes and tell people I was bum or a hobo. Sadly, a lot of neighbors just thought I was too lazy to dress up. Today, it’s not politically correct to pretend to be homeless, but dressing up as a bum or hobo is more a lifestyle choice. Isn’t a bum or hobo just a businessman who got tired of the grind? FYI, a bum resides in one place while a hobo travels the country, by way of an empty freight car, utilizing Amtrak’s elaborate national train system.

“I might be Captain America. Did you know his shield can cut through metal and protect you from bullets?” Carter L., Age 7, Danville.

High school had its ups and downs when it came to dressing-up for All Hallows Eve. As a freshman, you certainly didn’t want to stand out or appear dorky showing up for a school Pumpkin Walk that may never actually happen. I once found myself standing all alone on one of the school’s tennis courts wearing a wicked cool matador costume while my peers mocked me. Tears of pain don’t just bounce off a spandex bull-dodging suit like you might think, they stain. Damn those Chess club pranksters! It was different when our sophomore Glee Club dressed up as the cast of Grease. Regrettably, I drew Sandy as my character. Hells Angels was the theme our Drama Club junior year and we were bad ass. That was until we ran into some actual Hells Angels and they made us strip down and walk home in our underwear…..3 miles….and it was raining. Finally, my senior year rocked! Me and my boys dressed as the members of the rock band KISS. After an exhausting round of candy collection, it’s a little tough to look “rocker cool” while wearing 11-inch platform heels and runny stage make-up. By the end of the night, we looked like a teenage drag queens.

“Guess what I’m going to be. He’s from Star Wars, he’s on the dark side and he’s Darth Vader.” Jake A.  Age 6 ½, Pleasanton. 

College brought all kinds of new and exciting costume ideas despite every Halloween frat party I ever attended, during my six years of collegiate bliss, had a “Pimp and Hooker” theme. Not that I’m complaining. Fortunately, there are a lot of television pimps to draw inspiration from for costume ideas. There was Huggy Bear from the series Starsky and Hutch, Rooster from the show Baretta and let us not forget Prime Time Neon Dion Sanders of the Dallas Cowboys. Fortunately, I still had my 11-inch Kiss platform shoes and a slick burgundy crushed velvet smoking jacket (thank you Goodwill) to get me into character. My signature line was, “back off sucker before I cut you”. The co-ed “ladies-of-the-night” loved my protective pimping dark side. 

“I’m going to be a princess because I like them, I want to be one and that’s the costume mommy bought me at Costco.” Madison O., Age 5, Danville

In my bar hopping early 20s, it was one Superhero costume after another. Captain America, Captain Marvel, Captain Underwear, Captain Drunk Guy and my favorite, Captain Hit on Every Girl in the Bar. That was the year I met my wife.

As a married man and father in my 40s, I found myself tending toward a more conservative, yet alluring, costume. There was the ever popular plastic surgeon (a lot of women want a second opinion), youth sports coach (the mommies loved my tight fitting dry fit shirts and whistle) and the fan favorite, parish priest (if you don’t mind listening to people confess their sins and I don’t). Then, in my early 50s, my goal was just to achieve maximum shock value and embarrassment from my daughters. Male cheerleader, Studio 54 Roller Disco Superstar and Tooth Fairy were my “go to” costumes when I did get invited to a party or soiree.

“I think I’m going to be a cheerleader because I like cheerleaders and cheering is fun,” Nadia L., Age 7, Danville

But alas, I’m back to where I started. What am I going to be for Halloween this year? To dress as an Alive columnist would unfairly drive the neighborhood women crazy and I might draw unwanted attention to myself if I were to suit up as something scary, such as a Presidential candidate, California wild fire or COVID-19 spore.  I could always be a construction worker, sailor, Joe Exotic or one of the other members of the Village People. I respect firemen and policemen way too much to pretend to be a first responder. No one would buy me as a professional athlete, unless I dressed up as a member of the Pro Bowlers Tour. Apparently, it looks like life has finally come full circle and I’m destined to bring back the pirate, cowboy or caveman. My mother would be so happy. Although given the current economy and present state of commercial real estate, bum or hobo might not be too big a stretch from reality. Just don’t be surprised if I ring your doorbell and ask for candy. I’m old school that way.

“I have no idea what I’m going to be! What are you going to be Mike?” Michelle C., Age 9, San Ramon

 You’re killing me Michelle!

A Little Something

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Like many in our community, I could use “a little something” when it comes to extra income. My full- time job as a commercial real estate agent has been decimated by this little pandemic. It might also surprise the readers to learn, I get paid very little for coming up with these brilliantly crafted monthly humor lifestyle nuggets for ALIVE. In lieu of a salary or reasonable hourly wage, I am compensated with a certain amount of recognition, notoriety and, dare I say, celebrity status in the community. Yes, I take pride in my craft, but pride doesn’t pay the bills. That said, when Eric “Chief” Johnson tasks me to write “a little something” that might lighten the mood for our readers during an otherwise dark period, then “a little something” is what he’s going to get given that “a little something” is what I’m being paid.

The word “little” is defined as small in size, amount or degree. In this case, it will also include effort. It’s not that I don’t have a little free time on my hands, it’s just I have very little incentive given that I’m getting very little compensation. As is usually the case, when I’m a little short on ideas, I rely a little on the internet. thesaurus.com gives the following synonyms for the word “little”: insufficient, limited, meager, scant, slight, Lilliputian, bantam, brief, diminutive, dinky, infant, infinitesimal, miniature, mini, peanut, petite, short, toy, wee, babyish, elfin, embryonic, fleeting, hasty, imperceptible, inappreciable, microscopic, not big, not large, short-lived, shrimpy, skimpy, sparse, stubby, stunted, teeny, tiny, truncated and undeveloped.

Given my that my vocabulary is a little insufficient, limited, meager, scant, slight, diminutive (you get the picture), I take on this challenge to come up with “a little something” on each of these words that essentially mean the same darn thing, “little”.

Insufficient; The insufficient pay as an Alive magazine columnist, coming up with one brilliant column after another, is depressing.  

Limited; I have a limited amount of brilliant ideas, but an unlimited amount of charm.

Meager; Chief must have a meager budget for paying writers and hosting holiday parties. Meager doesn’t begin to describe the cheese and cracker spread at last year’s staff Holidaypalooza.  

Lilliputian; I wonder if other regional lifestyle magazines compensate their writers such a Lilliputian amount of money? Truthfully, I thought a Lilliputian was one of the tiny residents of Lilliput from Gulliver’s Travels. I wonder if Lilliput has a magazine looking for brilliant, albeit tall, columnists?

Bantam; Bantam weight boxers get paid less than heavyweights because they’re littler. It’s like that in the magazine business too. The New Yorker, AARP, Good Housekeeping and People are heavyweight magazines. Alive – Bantam weight. 

Brief; This is going to be a brief article because I’m not getting paid for it. FYI, I wear boxer briefs if anyone’s interested.

Diminutive; I suppose most regional magazines have a diminutive budget when it comes to compensating their columnists, however, my resume and body of work is not diminutive.  

Dinky; Over my career as a columnist, I have only made a dinky amount of money. Dinky is a funny word

Infant; Infants don’t read magazines. They’re too…..wait for it……little.

Infinitesimal; The infinitesimal amount of money in my bank account is either scary or laughable.

Miniature; I could probably buy a miniature horse if I got a miniature amount of money for my articles.

Mini; I could probably buy a Mini-Cooper if I got even a mini amount of money for my articles. Confidentially, I was always a fan of the miniskirt. Let’s bring that back to lift our spirits.

Peanut; In reality, magazine writers in general make peanuts unless you’re Dave Berry, Rick Reilly, Rona Barrett or Charles Shultz. See what I did there, Charles Shultz created the comic strip Peanuts. I crack myself up.

Petite; I have been called many things in my lifetime, but petite is not one of them. My Visa debit card could be said to have a petite balance right now.

Short; I’ll be coming up short paying next month’s mortgage unless my Door Dash deliveries start picking up a little.

Toy; I’ve never been fond of Toy Poodles unless I could breed and sell them for more than toy amounts of cash.

Wee; Me articles are filled with a wee pit of the blarney and a wee bit of shenanigans.

Babyish; I know it sounds babyish to complain about my lack of compensation, but even babies have got bills to pay. Diaper bills, formula bills, toy bills, (both little bills and bills for actual toys).

Elfin; Chief expects me to exist on an elfin compensation which would be acceptable if I were an elf or hobbit, or a troll, but I’m a big person.

Embryonic; My daughters have an embryonic knowledge of writer’s compensation rates.

Fleeting; My fleeting bank account balance could use an infusion of capital.

Hasty; I’d be a bit hasty if I started fielding another magazine’s offer right away.

Imperceptible and inappreciable; That’s exactly how appreciated I’m feeling at ALIVE.

Hasty; I won’t be hasty when I’m fielding other offers.

Not big and Not large; Too obvious. You don’t need to be a highly sought-after humor lifestyle columnist to get these little compensation references.

Microscopic; That will be my ALIVE W2 tax statement in 2020. Microscopic.

Short-lived; My career at ALIVE might be short-lived if I keep this banter up much longer.

Shrimpy; Shrimps are delicious little fish thingies, but who can afford them on my salary?

Skimpy; I wonder if the other columnist at ALIVE are paid as skimpy as I am?

Small; I don’t like or respect small-minded people, especially when it comes to issues of race, religion, sexual orientation or magazine article topics. 

Sparse; Advertising revenue must be sparse at ALIVE world headquarters.

Stubby; When I think of stubby, I think of little guys who are packing on a few pounds. I’m a lean, mean writing machine. There’s nothing stubby about me except the size of my wallet.

Stunted; Magazine writers typically have a stunted self-worth given our lack of income generation.   

Teeny and Tiny; I wish my overhead was teeny tiny, but the bills keep coming.

Truncated; I had to look this one up, but while it is assumed that my salary was truncated when we went from a hard copy magazine to an online periodical, but in reality that had no impact at all.

Undeveloped; The compensated package at ALIVE is undeveloped as is my sense of humor.

I’m obviously having a little COVID 19 fun with my boss at ALIVE. He’s a great guy for an elfin Lilliputian magazine publisher. This Coronavirus has proven to be more than a dinky inconvenience for everyone reading our diminutive periodical.  What many of us assumed would just be a tiny adjustment to our daily/weekly routine has proven to be a life-altering change for this community. The key is to not be overwhelmed with negativity. Life will get better, probably right around November 5th. Just a guess on my part. In the meantime, let’s all try to find a little something to make life more enjoyable for ourselves and those around us.

Renee Morgan: An Effective Public Servant

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My writing career has introduced me to a lot of people, and every once in a while, you come across someone who leaves a lasting impression. Renee Morgan is one of those people.

For almost a decade, she has been a tireless advocate and promoter for the Town of Danville, as a member of the Town Council and former mayor. Renee has a vivacious personality, a proactive approach to leadership, and an overwhelmingly-positive attitude, all of which make a lasting impression on her constituents. Whether she’s attending a black-tie fundraising gala or rolling up her sleeves for a volunteer clean-up effort, Renee relates to the citizens of Danville because she has lived here for over thirty years and raised her children here.

She is not just concerned with one area of the community; she wants what is best for all of Danville. What is truely impactful is what the people in our town have to say about her. The following are excerpts from some of those conversations.

Councilmember Morgan is by far the best public servant I have seen for Danville. She has made a tremendous commitment to the residents of Danville.—Tim Argenti

Councilmember Morgan fought for coronavirus relief that directly benefits the residents and Businesses of Danville. She organized efforts to protect our frontline workers and keep Danville
thriving.—Dr. Bela Kenessey

Councilmember Morgan is not afraid to ask the difficult questions and get the job done.—Jennifer French

Renee has proven that no job is too big or too small when it comes to helping our children and community.—Lisa Pellegrini, Danville Children’s Guild

As Danville’s mayor and councilmember, Renee has brought knowledge, dedication and energy to our community. I support her re-election.—Beverly Lane, Former Danville Mayor and East Bay Regional Park District Director

Councilmember Renee Morgan continues to bring creative questions and views to Danville decisions for the past eight years. She has been immersed in senior issues with her mother, veteran issues with her son-in-law and student issues with a high school son. A vote for Renee is a vote for experience during issues that Danville has not faced before this pandemic.—Fellow Council Member/Current Mayor Karen Stepper

Renee is at virtually every community event throughout the year with one goal in mind, to promote Danville. She truly wants everyone to know what a wonderful town we live in, comprised of so many amazing residents who we are blessed to call neighbors and friends.—Mike Mooney

I love seeing Renee around town. She’s always so upbeat and positive. I believe she truly cares about the people living here and wants to do everything in her power to make Danville a safe and comfortable place to live.—Cathy Tisa.

As the daughter of a career military man, Renee knows the importance of accountability and not being afraid to stand up for what’s right when it comes to the well being of her constituents. She prides herself on being accessible to the residents of Danville and letting them know that she’ll follow through on promises. She wholeheartedly believes it’s critical to be aware of what’s happening in the community to make good decisions and secure needed services.

When I last spoke with her, she was getting ready to attend a ZOOM meeting for San Ramon Regional Hospital, where she serves on the Governing Board. A ZOOM conference followed, serving as the Executive Board Treasurer for Meals on Wheels Diablo Region. During these times of uncertainly, having these types of connections and responsibilities is vital for our community.

She meets regularly with residents, as well as with a variety of groups and organizations within the community, to learn about their concerns. This enables her to make the best decisions for the town of Danville.

Renee has made the Danville Town Council her full-time career, and her proven leadership, experience, and dedication to our community, is not only admirable, but incredibly valuable.

Renee Morgan is hard to miss, and given her political accomplishments, you wouldn’t want to miss her. She is the leader that my family, friends, neighbors, and business associates, should want for Danville.

Rip Van Covid

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The Pandemic Experience

It’s almost like overnight our entire world changed. We went to sleep on or around March 13th and when we awoke the next morning, we were living in a pandemic infused Shelter in Place world. So many shops and businesses were closed, we couldn’t leave the house, panic and fear had set it and yet we believed it would all be short lived. Now, five months later, some things have eased up, but there’s still a lot of restrictions, uncertainty and we may just be on the verge of an economic collapse. On that happy note, it’s important not to lose faith that things will eventually get better. Hopefully by the start of football season.

Covid-19 aka Corona (the virus not the beer) is no laughing matter, however I distinctly remember one health care professional saying, “laughter is the best medicine”.  That health care professional might have been our self-medicating middle school nurse. The very fetching Miss Barr appeared to love those free samples the pharmaceutical reps would drop off on Fridays, but I digress.  As with many things in life, if we didn’t laugh about our current situation we’d probably cry and that’s certainly the case with this global pandemic. There are so many things that we took for granted that we can no longer do and sometimes it seems like we couldn’t or still can’t do anything.

We couldn’t go to work – There was a time when not going into the office would have brought cheers not tears, but it’s been almost 5 months since it was “business as usual”. Several of my friends have lost jobs or their business has been completely shut down by order of the government. That’s some Hunger Games type BS. Let us get back to work. Business Lives Matter. Let the public police ourselves when it comes to what establishments we choose to visit and support and in what settings.  

We couldn’t go out to dinner – I am so tired of making dinner or even ordering out for curbside pick-up. I don’t want to eat at home anymore and I wasn’t a very good cook pre-COVID. I was elated, and happy to wear my mask in and out of any given restaurant when outdoor dining went into effect. I even drove to Vacaville for a nice indoor meal one weekend. Sadly, indoor dining has since be eradicated, but don’t take away our ability to leave the house to enjoy a meal and beverage at a local restaurant or fast food eatery.

We couldn’t watch sports – We finally have major league baseball and golf to watch on TV even if we can’t attend the action in person. It will be interesting to see what the NBA tournament playoffs from Disneyworld will be like in a few weeks. I know there’s been car racing and European Soccer to keep us occupied, however, when it comes to these sports, who can really get excited about cars going around and around in circles or a game of kick the ball that ends in a 0-0 tie? I’m fearful that if college football and the NFL were to get cancelled it would lead to a severe nationwide depression or anarchy in the streets. Football is America’s sport. As American’s we can give up almost anything for the greater good of our nation, but not the cancellation of the NFL or College football season is where we draw the line.

We can’t go to the gym – Being a former “gym rat”, I miss my workouts at 24 FITNESS and I know my friends miss their calorie burner routines at Crunch, Orange Theory and Core Power Yoga. The CEO of Planet Fitness recently said, and I’m paraphrasing, not allowing people to work out is making the problem worse not better. Working out at home is difficult to say the least unless you can find an old episode of Jack Lalanne. There are so many distractions at home that prohibit a good workout such as eating, drinking and vacuuming. Does yard work constitute a workout? Does washing the car? Reading and binging Netflix is a good way to work out……our eyeballs. I’ve had a lot of friends put on a COVID 15-20 lbs. and that can’t be helping their immune system status. Granted, not to brag, but I have managed to lose weight and get in phenomenal shape during my house hiking, biking and exercising with a friend/personal trainer, but that doesn’t work for everyone.  

We can’t go to the movies – I liked going to the movies, even if two tickets cost almost $50.00 (The Lot). I’ve seen a few good movies on the television (The Lovebirds, Eurovision and Palm Springs) or my computer (Adult viewing only), but it’s not the same as seeing a blockbuster release on the big screen, even if a bucket of popcorn and two sodas runs $72.50 (The Lot). I even miss that slightly inebriated guy seated in the row behind me who talks loudly throughout the entire movie (The Lot). Just kidding, I don’t miss “that guy” at all, but I do miss going to the cinema complex to enjoy a flick, even at The Lot. 

We can’t go to concerts – I love attending outdoor concerts at the Concord Pavilion, Shoreline Amphitheater, Wente Vineyards and The Greek Theater and I’ve seen some great summer shows over the years. I also enjoy the free family concert series at Oakhill Park in Danville, Central Park in San Ramon. There is also the entertaining music offerings and eclectic people watching at Blackhawk Plaza and Broadway Plaza shows. What I’m saying is I really miss enjoying live music with my friends on a warm summer night.

We can’t go shopping – I personally don’t really care if I can’t go shopping, but I do know it brings a lot of people (my daughters) great enjoyment. My girls tell me there’s such a thing as retail therapy. Yes, we can go grocery shopping, but most stores within our malls, outlets and power centers are closed. This pandemic is killing a lot of family owned retail establishments. If grocery and drug stores can have customers, why can’t boutiques, clothiers and shoppes (smaller places) entertain shoppers?

We (our kids) can’t go to school or play sports – I’m no psychologist, but has anyone taken into account that our kids are probably healthy enough to withstand almost any version of the flu, but will they be mentally and emotionally healthy enough to withstand the lack of social interaction and physical conditioning that school and athletics provide them? If I had been home schooled as a child, with no sports to keep me active and occupied, I’m pretty sure my parents would have either gone crazy or I would have ended up in a juvenile detention center. I was a little hyper and easily distracted as a kid, more commonly known as ADHD today. Before we started overmedicating our children, the pediatricians prescribed getting our kids involved in school, sports, band, theater, church, dance, scouts, cheer or any extracurricular activity. Kids need to be stimulated and challenged or their minds and spirit will melt.

We can’t travel – Technically, I guess we can, but where do we go and what do we do? Other countries don’t want us ugly American’s passing on our germs and have pretty much prohibited U.S. citizens from landing anywhere abroad. Hell, other states don’t want us good looking Californians passing on our west coast germs. I might just try and sneak into Canada or Mexico just for the thrill of it. I just need to decide if I want to head north toward Vancouver or south toward Tijuana and then how to successfully cross those borders. I’m thinking roller skates.

This was originally going to be a pick-me-up article, but I may have brought myself down. I hate when I do that. Hopefully, I didn’t bring down my loyal online following (all eight of you, assuming Doris is still with us)? It would be nice to think that we might one night go to sleep and when we awoke, this craziness would all be over. Sadly, that’s not likely to happen anytime soon. Until it does, let’s all try to stay positive, be kind and selfless, find joy in simple pleasures, stay in touch with the people we care about and wear our masks when required. We’ll get through this together.

We Need a “Duke”

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John “The Duke” Wayne was a legendary Hollywood actor and political activist who stood up for the underdog and what was right in a large majority of his films and personal beliefs. During this period of uncertainty and unrest, we could use a stoic leader like Wayne to set an example for the rest of us to follow.  Standing 6’4” and 240 lbs., it’s hard to imaging the Duke wearing a mask and gloves while sauntering through the produce section at Safeway, but if he did, that would be assuredly get everyone else in line. Given how beloved Wayne was by the American public, he would’ve been a wonderful spokesman to assist President Trump and Dr. Fauci with their pandemic messaging while at the same time giving hope and inspiration to the masses

Born Marion Mitchell Morrison, this American born actor was known professionally as John Wayne and nicknamed “The Duke”. Wayne was box office gold and one of the biggest movie stars of his day. An Academy Award winner for “True Grit”, Wayne was among the top box office draws for nearly three decades. As a kid, I caught the tail end of Wayne’s career, but I do remember seeing him in movies such as Rooster Cogburn, The Shootist and Brannigan. I remember his being revered by talk show hosts such as Mike Douglas, Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson.  They all treated him with the utmost respect and admiration, especially toward the end of Wayne’s life. He died in 1979 at the age of 72.

Here are some fun facts about John “the Duke” Wayne.

1. Born May 26, 1907 in Winterset, Iowa. His family moved around a lot throughout his childhood, but finally settled down in Glendale, California.

2. He was president of Glendale High School – Class of 1925.

3. He found work at local film studios when he lost his football scholarship to the University of Southern California as a result of a bodysurfing accident.

4. Initially working for the Fox Film Corporation, he appeared mostly in small bit parts.

5. His first leading role came in Raoul Walsh’s widescreen epic The Big Trail, which led to leading roles in many B movies throughout the 1930s, most of them in the Western genre.

6. Wayne’s career took off in 1939, with John Ford’s “Stagecoach” making him an instant star.

7. He went on to star in 142 motion pictures altogether, including the dozens with his name above the title produced before 1939.

8. His father was a pharmacist while his grandfather was a veteran of the American Civil War.

9. He was a staunch Republican.

10. At USC, Wayne was a member of Sigma Chi fraternity.

11. He had always wanted to serve the U.S. Navy, but was rejected by the U.S. Naval Academy so he took a football scholarship to the University of Southern California in 1925.

12. After leaving the University of South California, his coach at the university, Howard Jones, called in a favor and got him the job of an extra with the help of actor Tom Mix. As an extra, he appeared in countless cowboy and sports themed related movies.

13. Wayne fathered 7 children.

14. After appearing in some minor roles in movies and television shows throughout the 1930s, Wayne got his big break in the movie “Stagecoach“, released in 1939.

15. Wayne always preferred his childhood name, “Duke Morrison,” to his eventual stage name.

16. Wayne attributed his walk, talk and persona to his acquaintance with legendary law man Wyatt Earp.

17. As a lifelong chess enthusiast, Wayne had a star-studded list of chess partners: Marlene Dietrich, Rock Hudson, and Robert Mitchum.

18. Wayne was the first person to publicly refer to cancer as “The Big C.” He came up with the idiom to make his struggle with the illness less “scary” to studio executives in the early 1960s.

19. In his first battle with cancer, Wayne lost a rib and half of one lung, and still managed to hold a press conference in his own living room shortly after in order to maintain his strong public image.

20. Wayne famously walked away from the lead role in “High Noon” because he felt the movie was an allegory against blacklisting, an activity which, as a staunch conservative, Wayne supported.

21. Wayne’s guilt over not serving in World War II haunted him for life. Although many of his Hollywood peers volunteered to fight, Wayne himself didn’t make particularly great efforts to change his own draft exemption.

22. He rejected the starring role in “All the King’s Men” because he thought that the script was un-American.

23. Despite a long and critically acclaimed career, Wayne was only nominated for Best Actor at the Oscars twice: once for Sands of Iwo Jima, then winning 20 years later for True Grit.

24. He was fluent in Spanish and all three of his wives were of Latin descent.

25. Towards the end of the 1940s, Wayne’s hair began to thin, so he started wearing hairpieces.

26. He was a registered Freemason, ranking as a Master Mason in Marion McDaniel Lodge No. 56 F&AM, in Tucson, Arizona.

27. Because of Wayne’s star power and conservative views, Republican party backers frequently approached Wayne about trying his luck at public office.

28. For the first time ever, Wayne got hate mail from Republicans after he sided with President Jimmy Carter and the Democrats over the Panama Canal.

29. Contrary to much of what he did and say in his later life, Wayne identified as a Socialist during his college days as the University of Southern California.

30. Wayne converted to Roman Catholicism shortly before his death by stomach cancer at the age of 72.

Most millennials probably couldn’t tell you who John Wayne was unless their grandfather encouraged them to watch the old westerns with him. When trying to come up with a sampling of contemporary actors who might have a little bit of the Duke’s swagger I could only list Dwayne Johnson, Jason Stratham and Jason Mamoa, but none have Wayne’s body of work. He was a heroic man’s man who led by example. I envy that type of reputation and sometimes think we all need to remember John “the Duke” Wayne’s toughness, resilience and strength of character when it comes to overcoming the social and health obstacles we’re currently facing.

The Easter Bunny’s Endorsement

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Alive & Thrivin’, is in the Basket

The Easter Bunny can afford to be pretty picky when it comes to selecting treats to fill an Easter basket. He is, after all, the Santa Claus of spring. Jelly beans, chocolate eggs, and even Peeps are staples for this holiday basket, but what about non-consumable swag? Does the EB include clothes in the basket? What about toys, games, or sports equipment? Does the rabbit leave a couple of gift cards or a little cash tucked under the Cadbury or Sees delicacies? This year, after reading about my appearance at Santa’s book club back in December, the Easter Bunny has selected my new book, Alive & Thrivin’ – The Thrillogy of a Trilogy, to go into every basket throughout the land. I’m truly humbled, honored, and hungry. For candy, not rabbit.

As most people know, Easter is a holiday commemorating the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, described in the New Testament as having occurred on the third day after his crucifixion and burial by the Romans at Calvary in 30 AD. Easter is the culmination of the Passion of Jesus, preceded by Lent, a 40-day period of fasting, prayer, and penance.

The Easter Bunny is a folkloric figure and symbol of Easter. Originating among German Lutherans, the “Easter Rabbit” originally played the role of a judge, evaluating whether children were good or disobedient in behavior at the start of the Easter season, aka Ash Wednesday. The Easter Bunny is sometimes depicted wearing clothes, carrying colored eggs, candy, and sometimes toys, in his basket to the homes of children. There are obvious similarities to Santa Claus, as they both work off a naughty or nice list and bring gifts to children on the night before their respective holidays. The Easter basket ritual has its origin in the German folklore of the Easter Hare. Legend has it that a white hare would leave a basket full of goodies and treats on Easter morning to signify new life, rebirth, and renewal in commemoration of the resurrection of Jesus. Coloring eggs and placing them in baskets dated back to 1682. The colorful plastic straw from CVS came later.

The Easter basket tradition dates way back to the 7th Century; however, it is rare for the Easter Bunny to leave a book in the basket. Not just because a book, even paperback, can be heavy and would weigh him down, but it would need to be a magical book sure to be loved by all. Past Easter basket books to be distributed have included The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter, Harry Potter (no relation to Beatrix) and the Philosopher’s Stone by JK Rowling, The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, and Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. I am certainly in good company, but the Peter Rabbit book is obviously a case of nepotism.

As a child growing up, my sisters and I loved waking up on Easter Sunday morning to see what Mr. Bunny had left for us in our baskets. I’m not a fan of jelly beans, but I love me some pastel-colored M&Ms, Robbin Eggs, and the delectable hollow chocolate bunny. Once I had chomped off his ears, I would consume the rest of the rabbit leaving only a chocolate goatee as evidence on my adolescent face. Occasionally we did receive something other than candy. Over the years, I seem to recall finding a stuffed animal, a 45 or record album, a blacklight poster or packs of baseball cards in or near my Easter basket. Boy that makes me feel old. Wait a second, I am old.

When the Easter Bunny’s people reached out to my editor, Eric Johnson of ALIVE Book Publishing, to inquire about adding my book to their global Easter basket distribution, we were both admittedly very excited. Giddy might be a better term. (Giddy: having a reeling, lightheaded sensation; dizzy). Eric was definitely giddy, given that sales of my first two books never exceeded 25-30 copies each, and that was with me spending a lot of time marketing, promoting and giving roughly half away as gifts, this was a big order to fill. This Easter basket order would get into the hundreds of millions. Not too shabby. I trust that ALIVE can put their other massive print jobs on hold for a few weeks.

Other items to make the Easter Bunny’s Easter 2020 Basket list include: hand sanitizer, disinfectant wipes, bleach, bottled water, pasta, toilet paper, latex gloves, disposable face masks, soap (bars and liquid), all-purpose cleaners, milk, stock tips (some drug company’s going to come up with a cure for COVID-19) and a little cash $ just to get by for the next couple of weeks.

It should go without saying that I am looking forward to hearing from family, friends, acquaintances, and business associates when they wake up Easter morning to find a copy of my latest book in their childrens’ Easter baskets. Since Alive & Thrivin’is part of a trilogy (hence the subtitle, the thrillogy of a trilogy), they may want to purchase my first two books (Alive & Kickin’ and Alive & Chillin’) to complete the set. I would be happy to accommodate them, for a fee. They may want their books signed by the author, which I would be happy to do, for a fee.

Finally, they may ask if I’m available for book signings and public speaking engagements. Also, very amenable to either of those public appearances…. for a fee. I’m a full-service author and man about town.

As the world contends with a global health concern, let’s hope the Easter Bunny washes his paws, carries an ample supply of paw sanitizer with him, and drinks plenty of water before his enormous Easter Eve mission. He may want to consider engaging the services of Amazon or some type of drone distribution service just to be safe.

I am very proud that my new book was selected as an Easter Basket gift item this year and I will do everything in my power with the world wide audience I’m about to inherit to promote safe and healthy living so we can all stay Alive and Thrivin’.

Wind is Too Blustery

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I believe there’s an old saying that goes, “Spring comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.” Translation: March is usually pretty darn windy in these here parts and I don’t much like the wind, it’s too blustery. Wind makes me cold; it messes up my hair and it causes a massive amount of leaves to be distributed throughout my yard giving the appearance that my landscape is not well maintained. I maintain my landscape. Considering all of the forces of nature, wind has quite a mystique and following. Wind has been the subject, or at the very least a word used in the title of countless movies, songs and books. There must be something to this infatuation with the wind and all its perceived power.

When it comes to movies, Gone with the Wind, staring Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh, is by far the most recognizable film with the word “wind” in the title. However, this movie isn’t about wind at all. It’s a timeless classic love story centered around the time of the Civil War, but people, women mostly, think it’s still cool (no pun intended) to watch these cheesy old movies on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Other “wind” titled movies include Inherit the Wind, based on a real-life case in 1925, where two great lawyers argue the case for and against a science teacher accused of the crime of teaching Evolution and, Blowin’ in the Wind, a documentary film examining the secret treaty that is allowing the U.S. military to train and test its weaponry in Australia. Windwalker is a little gem of a film and rates as a ‘must see’ for anybody interested in an authentic portrayal of Native American life in the winter of 1797, and finally, Wind, a story set around the 1987 America’s Cup yachting competition in Perth, Australia, starring Matthew Modine and, if I’m not mistaken, a post-nose job Jennifer Grey.

Songs with the word “wind” in the title include “Ride like the Wind,” by Christopher Cross, with backing vocals by Michael McDonald. Gonna ride like the wind/ until I’m free/ gonna ride like the wind/ blah, blah, blah. What a cool (no pun intended) easy listening tune from the early 80s. Back then, I would jump on my Stingray bike, pop on my Astro Tunes portable cassette player and, well………….ride like the wind around the neighborhood. Other “wind” songs you might recognize include “Blowin’ in the Wind,” by Bob Dylan, How many roads must a man walk down/ before you can call him a man/ the answer my friend is blowin’ in the Wind/the answer is blowin’ the wind; “Candle in the Wind,” by Sir Elton John, Goodbye Norma Jean/ though I never knew you at all/ you had the grace to hold yourself/ while those around you fall/ like a candle in the wind; “Dust in the Wind,” by 80s rockers Kansas, I close my eyes/ only for a moment and the moment’s gone/ pass before my eyes of curiosity/ all we are is Dust in the Wind; My all-time favorite, “wind”-titled song is, “Wind Beneath My Wings,” by Miss Bette Midler, Did you ever know that you’re my hero/and everything I’d like to be/ I can fly higher than an eagle/for you are the wind beneath my wings. Don’t judge me.

Books with the word “wind” in the title include The Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon, a coming-of-age tale of a young boy who, through the magic of a single book, finds a purpose greater than himself and a hero in a man he’s never met. Grasping the Wind by Andrew Ellis provides students a unique opportunity to study an application of Chinese medical language in a clear and culturally valid context. Wind Flowers by Oscar Wilde, a collection of Wilde’s shorter poems that includes Impression du Matin, Magdalen Walks, Athanasia, Serenade for Music, Endymion, La Bella Donna Della Mia Mente. Then there is The Name of the Wind, by Patrick Rothfuss, the tale of a magically gifted young man who grows to be the most notorious wizard the world has ever seen and his life as a fugitive after being accused of murdering a king. This last book, The Name of the Wind, sounds like the only “wind” titled book that won’t cure insomnia. It appears to be a Harry Potter on steroids type read.

I suppose if wind was an integral part of your job/vocation or hobby you might feel differently about it than I do. If you are an accomplished yachtsman like Dennis Conner or a professional windsurfer like Phil Horrocks, then wind is essential to your livelihood.

Kite flyers like the wind, but I was never much of a kite runner, despite many a March day in my youth spent trying to get a kite airborne. Back in the day, my friends and I would purchase an intricate kite kit at the local drug store for $0.25. It was a light weight paper kite with a balsa wood cross frame. It also required the addition of a perfectly engineered knotted tail, made from an old dress shirt, to increase the lift versus thrust ratio. Assuming we didn’t manage to destroy the kite fabric during the assembly process, which happened way too often, our adolescent kite gang would all head out to our elementary school with a bag lunch and a ball of string to spend the day running around like lunatics in our attempt to master aeronautic acrobatics with a precision instrument that cost a quarter. When we did occasionally catch the wind just right and get our kite into a suburban jet stream, we would spend hours maneuvering our kites in the perfect wind currents as a metaphor of our youth. More times than not, our kites ended up in a tree, tangled up in the overhead power lines or smashed beyond recognition after an ill-advised nosedive, reminiscent of a Kamikaze pilot. We could’ve used the services of Chris Maxa, General Manager of the Kite Loft in Ocean City, Maryland. Chris is the most recognized professional kite flyer and instructor in the world. Yes, there is a Professional Kite Flyers Association (PKFA).

Whenever someone talks of “going green,” energy is part of the conversation. Wind energy is not just the next big thing, but perhaps the biggest thing ever. Confronting the peril of greenhouse gases and climate change happens to be a multi-trillion-dollar business opportunity. The payoff is a low-carbon economy and tens of thousands of new jobs. That’s called research my friends.

Virtually everyone in the greater Bay Area is familiar with the Altamont Pass Wind Farm. The turbines form lines scattered about the hilltops, around an area of about 15 kilometers in diameter. Dozens are visible from the highway. Although you can sometimes hear the whooshing from the blades from a fair distance, it is hard to get anywhere close to these high-tech windmills since there is no paved road leading to them, and there are specially trained guard cows scattered throughout the hillside and the wind is not surprisingly  strong in that area. Collectively, they have a capacity of hundreds of megawatts (MW), but I truly don’t know if that’s enough juice to illuminate a single nightlight for a week or all the houses in the Tri-Valley for a year. That’s called lack of research. I do however think these high-tech windmills look cool positioned along the hillsides of the Altamont Pass, giving travelers something to gawk at as they head toward the popular destination spot of Manteca.

In retrospect, perhaps, I’ve been too hard on the wind. I do like wind chimes and I suppose knowing the wind-chill factor (the temperature of windless air that would have the same effect on exposed human skin as a given combination of wind speed and air temperature) is helpful at times. Chicago is known as the Windy City and I think Chicago is a very cool (no pun intended) place, even cooler than Manteca. However, when that wind whips off Lake Michigan, it cuts through you like a knife—a freezing-cold knife.

I believe there’s another saying that goes, “Women are known to change their mind like the wind changes direction,” or something like that. Well if that is in fact true, after further analysis, I as a man, will change my mind and proclaim that wind is cool (no pun intended). Given its unbelievable strength and power of destruction (two words, hurricane and tornado) there’s no reason to give Aeolus—the God of Wind—any reason to get all blustery on me.

New Year’s Resolutions are Too Stressful

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I’ve been around the block enough to know, I’m not going to lose weight, workout more, manage my spending, drink less, learn a foreign language, travel to exotic places, volunteer in the community, or spend more time beautifying my yard, just because I stated these goals and objective as “resolutions” to begin the New Year. That’s way too much pressure to put on myself. I’d rather start a new year off with a clear mind, full heart, and clean pallet, in hopes that good things fall my way. Who was it that said, “Hope is not a strategy?” The truth is, New Year’s Resolutions are just too stressful.

“I never freaking get my New Year’s Resolutions done and then I feel worse.” Blake C.

A New Year’s resolution is a tradition, most common in the Western Hemisphere but also found in the Eastern Hemisphere, in which a person resolves to change an undesired trait or behavior, to accomplish a personal goal or otherwise improve their life. It is believed that the Babylonians originated the practice of making promises to their gods at the start of each year that whey would return borrowed objects and repay their debts. Those Babylonians were full of great ideas and it actually does remind me to return that case of White Claw Hard Seltzer that I borrowed from my neighbor’s outdoor refrigerator, even though they probably don’t even know its missing or who took it. Additionally, my debt to Mr. Visa keeps getting bigger and bigger so it’s probably time I send him a minimum payment sometime soon.

“Isn’t it customary formost New Year’s Resolutions to be broken by Super Bowl Sunday, especially anything having to do with drinking?” Zack H.

Popular sociologist, Ekim Dnalepoc, has publically stated that most New Year’s Resolutions are in fact usually self-defeating prophecies. “By coming up with more than an abundance of hard to achieve resolutions, can oftentimes lead to feelings of failure and depression.” Starting a new year should be a happy time full of optimistic possibilities. Why set a bunch of goals and objectives that will make us feel like failures when we fail to accomplish them?  Dnalepoc adds, “Create a resolution list you can actually complete with little to no effort, such as; 1. Stop eating worms, 2. Don’t go to the mailbox on Sundays and holidays, 3. Watch less than 22 hours of television in a 24 hour period. 4. Brush teeth twice a day, 5. Breath air.” Most people could accomplish several of these resolutions and start the year off on a positive note.

“My New Year’s Resolutions are typically forgotten by January 2nd.” James M.

In my informal, unofficial, half-baked survey, it appears as though most of the people I interviewed typically grind out their New Year’s Resolutions in a hung-over state on New Year’s Day. Several people I talked with said it’s not uncommon to forget where they put their resolutions, if they kept the documented list at all. I was still mostly drunk one New Year’s day and couldn’t ever read my handwriting once I sobered up so I yelled, to no one in particular, “Just forget it!” I liked when my kids were little and encouraged me to write my resolutions out in crayon. Crayon just makes everything feel happy and cheerful even when the first resolution was “Quit eating like a pig.”

“I never write out my resolutions. I keep them in my head. Just ask me and I’ll tell you what I resolved to accomplish in 2003.” Dave J.

I think “Big Year’s,” such as 1976, 1999, 2000 (Y2K) or the upcoming 2020 create a self-imposed BIG Resolution type of atmosphere or expectations. Our resolutions for these years become more substantive and life changing. Many people feel an extra layer of pressure to achieve something monumental in a notable year, such as running a marathon, running for public office or getting the old Ford Pinto, sitting on blocks on your front lawn, running again. Running is apparently a popular theme as we venture forth into a significant time period. I would probably run myself into the ground if I tried to take on a bigger list of resolutions.

“I hate running. I don’t even like walking that much. I’ve never going to make running part of my resolutions.” Jon C.

When we were children, resolutions were the first goal setting experience most of us encountered. However, if your parents helped you create your New Year’s Resolutions, you might look back on that as a diabolical ploy to make their lives easier. If your parents collaboratively urged you to include resolutions such as, work harder in school, keep your room clean, help around the house, don’t fight with my brothers and sisters, listen to my parents, they were essentially laying out a list of objectives to make you a more productive member of the family team. Who could blame them? Kids are hard enough to raise so why not look for a little subtle help when you can find it. 

“I don’t make resolutions, but I help my kids to make resolutions. The first resolution is usually, Listen to Dad and obey Dad. Treat Dad like the King of the castle.” Matt C.

That thing they call the Internet, which may or may not take off this year, has too many links to mention when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. If you are going to succumb to the resolution pressure, here are the top 10 resolutions, according to some unnamed source, and my sophomoric commentary.

  1. Diet or eat healthier (I presume that means after the 4th of July picnic?)
  2. Exercise more (I’m all about those bocce, bowling and pickle ball leagues)
  3. Lose Weight (Like it’s that easy. Why not say win the lottery too while you’re at it)
  4. Save more and spend less (my dyslexia always thought that said Spend more and Save less, oops!)
  5. Learn a new skill or hobby (Is anyone willing to give me free voice lessons so I can sing better?)
  6. Quit smoking (Please, if you smoke or vape, quit! I’m not saying it’s easy, but smoking/vaping is awful)
  7. Read more (Read more what? Comics, obituaries, Harlequin romance novels or just ALIVE Magazine?)
  8. Find another job (Sign me up. How can I make more with less responsibility?)
  9. Drink less alcohol (As if. Maybe I could give up the Mad Men Martini Lunches?)
  10. Spend more time with family and friends (this one make sense since YOLO and we work to live not live to work)

Researchers say about sixty percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, but only about 8 percent of us are successful in achieving them. I’m definitely in the 92% category of not achieving them if I make them at all. We all want to start a new year out on the right foot so let’s not put the stress of resolutions on ourselves this year. Alternatively, if we do feel the need to create NYR’s, can we agree to limit it to just one or two items so we don’t get overwhelmed or feel like a failure if we get sidetracked or distracted dealing with this thing called life?

Already the New Year, 2020, sounds happier.

Santa’s Book Club

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It’s the first Thursday of the month, and I’ve been invited to attend a book club meeting at, of all places, the North Pole. That’s right, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, Pelznicole, has invited me to be a guest author at his monthly Book Club to promote my third book, Alive & Thrivin’: A Thrillogy of a Trilogy.  Santa’s book club also includes Mrs. Clause, Frosty the Snowman, Winter Warlock, Yukon Cornelius, and Hermey the Misfit Elf—an eclectic crew to say the least, and candidly, I didn’t even know Frosty could read with two eyes made out of coal. Apparently the North Pole Book Club just finished Where the Crawdads Sing and Frosty said it brought him to tears or little ice cubes.

Santa has invited me to the Pole as the first stop on a soon-to-begin exhaustive book signing tour that includes stops at every garage sale, flea market, and thrift store on the West Coast. Many of my readers (none) should remember that my first Book, Alive & Kickin’ came out in 2012 which was followed up three years late by Alive & Chillin’ in 2015. Not surprisingly, the critics panned both paperback offerings as nonsensical gibberish, only suitable for cleaning up puppy accidents.  Never one to let educated professionals dampen my spirit, I kept churning out mildly humorous monthly pieces, and six years later I assembled enough material for my third compilation book, Alive & Thrivin’.

It was apparently Mrs. Claus who selected my book as the book club’s December reading assignment.  Santa thought it would be a nice holiday surprise to bring me in as a surprise guest, given that Mrs. Claus is apparently a big fan. During introductions, Jessica Claus gave me an awkwardly long hug, which didn’t go unnoticed by the big guy. I quickly changed into my new suit from Cassara’s Italian Menswear in Dublin, California, and gathered the book club group together in front of the fire. The Claus’ palatial penthouse is situated directly above the elves’  workshop, and if I listened really carefully, I could hear the pounding of little hammers building toys.

After reading excerpts from several of my more popular pieces and leading the group in a medley of Christmas Carols, I opened the floor for a Q & A session.

Hermey: So, Mike this is book number three? I never saw the first two, but what more could you possibly have to say/write?

Me:  Aren’t you the elf that wants to be a dentist? I always have plenty to say, write and color. This book is full of tantalizing humor pieces, fascinating personality profiles, and a really hard Sudoku puzzle. The new book is so much better than the first two books, (although that’s not setting the bar very high). As always, I touch on topics such as holidays, music, travel, aging, parenting, and holidays. I could probably release an entire book on just the holiday pieces I’ve written. It would be called, wait for it….. Alive & Holidayin’.

Winter Warlock: I will admit your writing has improved over the years. A noticeably more mature level of insights has replaced your moronic sixth-grader sense of humor. Are you dying? 

Me: No, I’m not dying. Are you? As my readership demographic has matured from buying baby diapers to buying adult diapers, I’ve had to expand my horizons and give the people what they want; namely, old people stuff. Since I bet no one under the age of 50 (maybe 60) regularly reads my articles in ALIVE, I had to find new ways to entertain my hardcore fans—and fart jokes just don’t cut it anymore.

Yukon Cornelius: You’re obviously not as heavy/fat as some of your past Facebook photos, have you been dieting or are you dying? 

Me: I’m NOT Dying! And you could stand to lose a few pounds yourself. You don’t get this ripped without putting some serious effort into an American Ninja Warrior type fitness routine (PEDs). I’ve been a member of Gymboree for 34 years and I’m still allowed to attend occasional (supervised) Zumba classes at 24 Hour Fitness. I’ve also been focusing on a stricter nutritional regiment (PEDs). Additionally, to find my Zen place, I like to hike at Lafayette Reservoir where nature meets nurture (PEDs).

Mrs. Claus:  I’ve read that you draw inspiration from your inner circle of friends; many of whom give you feedback on past articles and often provide inspiration for a new piece.

Me: I’m very fortunate to be surrounded by very intelligent friends who are well versed in sarcasm, glib observations, and are genuinely funny. They constantly bring out the best in me. Shout out to RP, BH, MM, BC, GT, MG, DVA, JA, MC, HC, CC, and SC – Santa Claus.

Frosty:  Can you believe we’re at the North Pole and you’re speaking at a book club meeting above Santa’s Workshop? Is this the best book signing you’ve ever been invited to as an author?

Me: This is really incredible. I didn’t even think Santa got my letters, let alone read them. Other than an appearance at the Danville Rotary’s Black Bear Diner Dinner, this comes in a close second. Even my publisher, Eric Johnson at Alive, thinks I’m a big deal now. None of the other ALIVE writers received an invitation to appear at the Pole.   

Never being one to overstay my welcome, I thanked everyone from coming and asked Santa to order me an UBER sleigh ride home. As we walked to the curb, Santa pulled me aside and said, “Mike, I have become a big fan of your monthly offerings in ALIVE magazine and, like the incomparable columnist Dave Berry before you, I believe there is a market for these type of humorous compilation books. I hope everyone reading this article will support you as a local author, businessman, and fundraiser. Ho, Ho, Ho!”  

How’s that for a testimonial? I can now count Santa “freakin’” Claus as a fan.

Selfishly, my book will make a really great belated holiday gift (since it won’t be released until after Christmas), so I suggest giving them a regifted fruitcake to hold them over until it appears on Amazon.

Then, I encourage everyone to purchase a copy of my new book or reach out to me at copeland@aliveeastbay.com, to acquire all three books to complete your thrillogy of a trilogy collection.

I will even sign and hand deliver them free of charge… within a 5 mile radius. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

When the Warranty Expires

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More and more of my friends, relatives, and business associates are starting to fall apart. Once you hit about 50 years old, your body’s warranty basically expires and you have to start replacing the parts. Knees, hips, shoulders, teeth, and eyes all have an expiration date.I’m in pretty good shape, but I’ve already had a vasectomy, my gall bladder removed, and every crown in my mouth has needed to be replaced with one molar being completely removed. At least it wasn’t a front tooth. I might actually replace an incisor since it’s been said I have a dazzling smile… by my mom.  

Virtually anyone over 50 years old can remember The Six Million Dollar Man. When Colonel Steve Austin crashes while flying an experimental aircraft his legs, right arm and left arm rebuilt using bionic implants. Sadly, at the end of the second season of TSMDM, Colonel Austin’s new girlfriend, Jamie Sommers, had a parachuting accident. Who packed her chute? Fortunately for her, Steve’s primary-care physician had the technology to rebuild her too. As part of her bionic replacement surgery, she also got a new set of legs, a left arm and an ear. I wonder how I would get along with a bionic gall bladder and molar? What about a bionic… I better not go there, this is a family magazine.  

While Lee Majors and Lindsey Wagner had to get their parts replaced for the sake of the story line, people are staying more youthful and active today due to the advancements in medicine and technology. Allow me to expand on this notion.

Eyes: Over 10 million Americans have had LASIK eye surgery since it was FDA approved in 1999 and roughly 700,000 surgeries are performed every year in the U.S.  As I am one of these people who wear either glasses or contacts to correct my near sightedness, I have considered the surgery, but I do look pretty suave and debonair in my glasses. But seriously, the thought of having my eyeballs sliced up and zapped with a laser gives me the creeps. I have known plenty of people who had the procedure done and none of them have gone blind, but I just imagine me getting a little fidgety on the table and ziz-zap, there’s a seeing-eye dog and white cane in my future. The average age of a LASIK patient was originally 40, but it has recently come down to 38. Eyeballs are like cell phones, meaning once they start wearing out, the user might as well upgrade.

Hips: Hip replacement surgery is a procedure in which a doctor surgically removes a diseased hip joint with arthritis or some other painful condition and replaces it with an artificial joint, often made from metal and plastic components. It usually is done when all other treatment options have failed to provide adequate pain relief. My hips are fine today, and as any Shakira fan knows, Hips Don’t Lie. However, my Zumba classes may one day catch up to me and then who knows what the future holds because more than 300,000 hip replacement surgeries are performed annually in the United States alone. The average age of a hip replacement patient is 68. Assuming I’m average, I should get a few more years out of the original parts.

Knees: Knee replacement can be total or partial. If a knee is damaged by arthritis, replacing part of the joint may bring relief. However, total knee replacement (TKR) surgery involves the replacement of both sides of the knee joint. This is the most common procedure and from what I hear; much tougher to recover from than hip replacement. Unlike hips, knees do lie. Again, my knees seem to be pretty healthy today, but to stay in shape I hike, play tennis, jump rope, and actively compete in underground kickboxing. I’m only kidding—I don’t hike. According to research, Wikipedia’s not mine, approximately 600,000 TKRs are performed each year and TKR patients usually range in age between 50 and 80, with the average age being close to 70, which means I have about another 13 years with the parts God gave me.

Teeth:  A filling or crown may fall out for a number of reasons, such as when, over time, chewing hard foods loosens the filling or saliva breaks down the bonding. Worse still, a filling or crown might fall out because of tooth decay in which the foundation of the tooth rots away, causing it to lose support and fall out. This typically starts happening to people in their early to mid-50s. This is obviously my demographic, however my filling and crown loss can be directly related to my love of taffy, toffee, and Haribo Gummy Bears. Losing a tooth is generally due to advanced gum disease. This is when a bacterial infection attacks your gums, tissue, and surrounding bones. My dentist and I recommend brushing your teeth, flossing on a regular basis and staying away from delicious, chewy treats.

Heart, Liver, Kidney and Lungs: These organs do occasionally give out, but not at the rate of the other appendages. Otoplasty (ear pinning), Rhinoplasty (nose job) or Scroplasty (family magazine) don’t really count because while there’s nothing wrong with altering one’s appearance, in most cases the original parts didn’t actually fail. On the other hand, my hair did completely fail me years ago, except for what I have on my back. I choose to embrace my follicle breakdown by maintaining a John Malkovich/Bruce Willis/Stone Cold (WWF) Steve Austin look.

My first car was a 1966 Chevy Malibu, passed down from my parents. When I got my teenage hands on that fine automobile, I immediately began restoring it because, while still a strong vehicle, the original parts were wearing out. I put on new tires, replaced the fuel pump and carburetor, and installed a stereo and speakers. Since we all have a lot of miles on our personal chassis, it’s no surprise that the parts are in need of replacement. My plan is to get all the work done at the same time, right before Halloween. This way, I can have a killer Halloween costume taking full advantage of the stitches, scars, bandages, eye patches, limp, and painful grunts.

Look for me at your party. I’ll be the scary guy with real blood, swelling, and puss stains.

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