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Michael Copeland

College Kids and Parents Weekend

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Rejuvenating… and Expensive

We recently returned from Parents Weekend (aka Family Weekend) at the University of Colorado, Boulder (“Sko Buffs”) where we visited our eldest daughter, Hannah. In a few weeks, we’ll be jetting off to Norman, Oklahoma for Parents Weekend at the University of Oklahoma (“Boomer Sooner”). Parents Weekend is the ideal time for my baby momma and I to visit our girls in their natural collegiate habitat; to rejuvenate the family bond and to confirm that they’re both still enrolled. Parents Weekend is heartwarming, fun, chaotic, eye opening, expensive and exhausting, especially for the freshman parents going through it for the first time.

This was our third Parents Weekend at CU and it will be our second at OU. I’m impressed with the schools that realize freshman and sophomores, and to some degree even upper classmen, need a little family loving 5-7 weeks into the fall semester. It’s also a great opportunity to sell a lot of school merch and swag. Typical Parents Weekends are action-packed, with planned activities on or around campus (tours, tailgates and a home football game). Then there’s the family activities off campus, usually involving a credit card (shopping, lunch, shopping, dinner, shopping, housekeeping/cleaning and more shopping). Our credit cards are as tired as we are after these whirlwind weekends.

Planning for Parents Weekend starts with booking flights. Unless you’re lucky enough to have your kids attend one of the many California colleges or universities, all within driving distance, Southwest will likely get you virtually anywhere else, on time and in one piece, for a price. Flying isn’t cheap unless you’re willing to take a few scheduling and safety risks on some of the economy airlines, (rhymes with Fearit and Brontier).

Once you secure travel, it’s time to book your accommodations. Unless I’m mistaken, every hotel, motel, plaza and inn located anywhere near a college or university highlights the four times a year to really jack up the room rates. Those would logically be move-in weekend, move-out weekend, Homecoming weekend and Parents Weekend. A word to the wise: unless you book a room close to a year in advance, you’ll likely be staying in the next city, county or state.

The last part of your Parents Weekend travel plans involves renting a car. Most rent-a-car companies aren’t locked into the same “gouge the college parent consumer” chat room as the hotels, but it’s just one more expense. Just for the record, we like Alamo.

Once Mom and Dad (siblings are optional) arrive somewhere near campus (dorm, student housing, fraternity/sorority house or off-campus residence) on Friday, the first order of business is a meal. Most of our kids are so sick of their normal food options they are dying for a good meal—one that they don’t have to pay for or Super Size. That’s usually followed by a trip to CVS, Safeway, Costco, Walmart and/or Sam’s Club. Kids need stuff. Stuff includes groceries, toiletries, clothes, school supplies, accessories, coffee, cleaning supplies and knick-knacks. Individually, nothing is tremendously pricey, but collectively it all easily add up to a week’s worth of wages or more.

Shopping is followed by a visit to your child’s living pod where you immediately realize that despite how clean and tidy the family home is kept, most college kids live in filth and squalor. Apparently, not one of our sweet, loveable, capable, manageable, knowledgeable spawn can keep a clean room. It must be a right of passage, but as parents, a lot of us can’t help but break out into “clean-mode.” It’s not like we’re going to break out the fire hose and five-gallon drum of Scrubbing Bubbles, but we’re going to sweep, vacuum or wipe before the toxic mold spreads.

Friday night concludes with a casual dinner followed by coffee or dessert. It’s really nice if you run into some of your kid’s new friends and can ask a series of canned and rehearsed questions. 1. Where are you from? 2. How did you two meet? 3. What are you studying? 4. Do you like your roommates? 4. Are these your parents or probation officers? Then it’s time to get back to the hotel to rest up for game day—that is, unless your child attends a football-less institution, in which case I don’t know what you would do on Saturday. Flea market, craft fair or sports bar perhaps?

Parents Weekend has been an amazing experience for me! I have two students at the same school and I really look forward to Parents Weekend each year. It gives me the chance to see my kids in their own environment, interacting with their friends. I can share in the fun of watching competitive football, and socialize with other student’s parents at various tailgate parties. The college years are going by way too fast. Parents Weekend has given me the opportunity to share a part of my kid’s life journey with them. – Cara V.

Saturday is all about the game, along with the pregame and postgame activities. My girls like to tailgate. Fraternity tailgates are a $h*t Show. Cheap warm beer, ear-splitting loud music and disgusting bathrooms are all part of the charming ambiance leading up to kick-off. Sadly, fraternities apparently don’t have a budget for hotdogs. Few sporting events are as much fun as college football games. Marching bands, cheerleaders, mascots, alumni, home field advantage and school spirit are part of the sensory overload. The game is the game, but it’s always fun just being there for an average price of $90 per ticket.

Post game is usually code for “let’s go out to a nice dinner this time.” Following a pricey meal, the kiddies are likely going to float from party to party on a Saturday night which means they’ll dismiss us back to our hotel at a reasonable hour. Fortunately, most hotel bars are filled with parents, still wearing their bookstore purchased apparel, stopping for a nightcap. This is a nice time to network and commiserate.

Sunday starts with breakfast or brunch… somewhere. At CU it’s the sorority and at OU it’s one of the 273 Jimmy’s Egg restaurants in the state of Oklahoma. This is the weekend wrap-up before parents head home via highway or byway, aka airports. We tell the kids to study hard, get plenty of rest, take care of themselves and have fun, but not too much fun. “If you can’t be good, be careful “is my signature Dad line. There are usually a few tears (mostly mine) as we say our goodbyes, but knowing that they’ll be home soon enough for Thanksgiving is our saving grace.

Truth be told, Parents Weekend is the perfect opportunity to recharge the parent and child emotional batteries and at the end of the weekend we couldn’t care less how much it costs. That’s what Home Equity loans are for, right?

Halloweek: Spooktacular Idea

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Halloween is about so much more than just one night of dress up and trick-or-treating. This traditional fall holiday is about costumes and candy, decorations and scary movies, parties and pageantry. It’s so much fun to see this haunting holiday through the eyes of a child or you can even choose to be a kid again by participating in the festivities. What a load of PC gibberish that was. Who do I think I am, some octogenarian 60 Minutes reporter like Mike Wallace or Morley Schaffer?

“Tonight, on 60 Minutes we’ll investigate why Linus spends every Halloween in a deserted pumpkin patch in Peanutsville awaiting the arrival of a Santa-like gourd character known only as The Great Pumpkin.” This mythical being is likely the marketing tool of some nameless diabeties drug company sent to specific suburban markets with the sole intention of getting kids hooked on sugar treats for a lifelong adult dependency on Metformin.

Humor aside, assuming any of that first paragraph was remotely humorous, I’m part of a silent minority that believes Halloween should actually be a national holiday celebrated for an entire week. At this very moment, there’s an independent grassroots movement to convert one day/night into 7 days and 6 nights of ghoulish fun every year and call it Halloweek. As it is, American’s spend over $8 billion dollars annually on candy, decorations, costumes, cards and dental-related bills. Actually, its $8,000,003,562.12 if you include my neighbor’s house, but shouldn’t our money stretch a little further?

Halloweek would start with every citizen of our fine country being required to dress up for all seven days. If you’re living in the US of A, regardless of age, race, religion or political party, you’d be required to wear a costume each and every day. While I haven’t put a lot of thought into it yet, there’s a good chance I would be a Cowboy on Sunday, followed by a robot, a caveman, a pirate, then a fireman, a lumberjack, and a vampire. That would be my dress up week as I selected costumes that I thought would be somewhat compatible with my primary occupation. I’m not looking to scare or disgust my clients, but simply to get into the theme of the holiday. I guarantee you no one would dress up as a commercial real estate agent or humor lifestyle columnist. That would be too boring. I know because I live it 24/7 and while at times it can be a little sad and depressing, glamorous it isn’t.

Watching scary movies should also be part of the Halloweek celebration. There is scientific proof that scary movies are good for the heart, digestion and circulatory system. Cinematic masterpieces such as Friday the 13th, The Ring, The Shinning, The Exorcist, Psycho, Carrie, and of course all seven of the Halloween franchise movies starring Jamie Lee Curtis would be required viewing. I’ll even accept old black and white classics such as Dracula staring Bella Lugosi, The Mummy featuring Vincent Price or The Fly (the original not the remake). Just for the record, Ghostbusters, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Young Frankenstein, Michael Jackson’s Thriller video and the live action Scooby-Doo do not qualify as a scary movies. Watching Freddie Prinze Jr. as Fred and Sarah Michelle Gellar as Daphne run around town in lame 70s outfits with a CGI/animated Great Dane is just wasting two hours on a Saturday I’ll never get back.

A scary movie needs to illicit bowel-churning anxiety while watching the action through the cracks in your finger mask with the family room lights turned out – a dark room adds to the viewing experience.

Handing out candy to trick-or-treaters is about as All-American as the UFC Fight Night, Chick-fil-A, and Honda cars. During my week-long Halloweek master plan, T-o-Ting would however be limited to just two days for two specific reasons. A) Two (2) days is necessary in case a trick-or-treater gets sick or has a scouts/band/sports/school/church conflict on one of the days and (B) Trick or Treating for any more than two days would just be easy pickings for the dentists in our community.

Now, it’s also about time we set a minimum standard for giveaway candy. Back in my day, aka the good old days, mini candy bars (Milky Way, Three Musketeers, Snickers, Mounds, Almond Joy, Kit Kat, Baby Ruth and $100,000 bars) were about twice the size of what they are today. What is this world coming to, when candy bar companies determine that mini isn’t mini enough so over time they slowly make these delicious morsels mini-er? Being a candy aficionado myself, I do enjoy me some Skittles, Jolly Ranchers, Starbursts and Twizzlers. Hold on for one minute. I’m not saying Twizzlers are as satisfying as Red Vines and Black Licorice, but I’ve grown to appreciate “the Twiz,” especially since The American Licorice Company doesn’t produce a Trick or Treat portion size that I’m aware of. Where we stray into unacceptable territory, is when people try and pass out raisins, an assortment of nuts, or popcorn balls. That’s just not right! In fact, that’s just someone asking for their pumpkin to be kicked in or an egg rainstorm to befall their driveway.

Pumpkins will continue to be another favorite element of Halloweek, but not just carving Jack-O-Lanterns. I’m not opposed to a Hannibal Lecter type face skinning and brain-goop dissection of a big ripe pumpkin, but there’s just so many more delicious baking options to this delectable vegetable including pumpkin pie, spice bread, cookies, Bundt cakes and even pumpkin-based CBD oils and incense. My pink eye and gout cleared right up when I recently smoked a bowl of pumpkin seeds.

When it comes to Halloweek decorations, the mo the better. Drape those orange and purple lights across your house like it’s that December holiday that encourages festive outdoor light displays. Install as many blow-ups, pop-ups and rise from the dead fake graveyards as your front yard can support or your HOA will allow. I’m all about trying to create an audio and visual cemetery scene that will induce every elementary schooler to “mess their pants” if they pass by it at night. I’m not saying that happened to me in October of 1973, but my sister does claim to have some type of proof she’s willing to release if I ever decide to run for public office.

It’s a little known fact that many other countries have already transitioned to the Halloweek concept. My good friend, Cliff Clavin, informed me that several nations in Eastern Europe and the Kurdistan region, such as Latvia, Moldova, Albania, Azerbaijan or was it Kazakhstan (?), Disneyland, and Transylvania, have all embraced a weeklong celebration leading up to the Day of the Dead. Transylvania was an easy one. The Magical Kingdom actually celebrates for an entire two months and they wear costumes year round.

Truthfully, most countries don’t celebrate Halloween. Why not you ask? My deadline is nearing and I don’t have time to Wiki research that question, but suffice it to say, we should consider ourselves lucky to enjoy such a frivolous and decadent one day celebration consisting of candy and dress up hedonism. Halloweek may never get off the ground, but I hope everyone enjoys a spooktacular Halloween.

Tailgating Entrepreneur

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Dan Donnelly loves college football. He loves the collegiate school spirit, the pageantry, the rivalries, the marching bands, and the buzz around campus leading up to a Saturday afternoon kick-off. He loves rankings and bowl match-ups, cheer squads, and mascots, but he especially loves a good tailgate.

I found his passion and enthusiasm infectious when talking with him over a cup of coffee, one morning in late July. As the founder of Tailgate Connect, Dan is setting out to connect like-minded people in parking lots across America, to share food and drink, stories and traditions, in an all-inclusive, hassle-free tailgating environment through his innovative website. You had me at football, Dan. Sign me up!

Originally from Rockville, Maryland, Dan (55) played college rugby at Frostburg State University in Maryland, but he grew up an avid college football fan. In 2004, he set out on a quest to take in a game and tailgate party at every college FBS (Football Bowl Subdivision) and many of the major rivalries in the lower divisions. “In 2008, I created Dan from the Tailgate, a blog to document my journeys, allowing like-minded fans and folks I’ve met along the way to join me in celebrating the greatest game experience on earth,” Dan proudly states. “Along the way, some of my best experiences were when I was introduced to a local tailgate host, usually through a mutual friend, and I got a chance to soak up the local flavor and atmosphere with passionate college football fans. I always had a great experience and have made some life-long friends,” he proclaims.

Dan says it was not unusual to see groups of people, usually visiting fans, wandering aimlessly on campus, carrying an open 12-pack of beer and bag of chips, with no set pre-game destination. Dan candidly admits, “I’ve even been that guy more times than I care to admit.” While attending the USC vs. Penn State Rose Bowl in 2017, he invited a group of “nomadic” Penn State fans he had never met to join his tailgate and the concept to connect fans with experienced tailgater hosts was born.

For a reasonable cost (±$40), guests can enjoy food and libations in a high-quality environment, while gaining inside knowledge of the history and tradition of the host school, student body, and alumni. Hosts, on the other hand, could defray sunk costs, meet new friends, learn a little something about the visiting team, and make some easy cash by welcoming newcomers to the pre and post-game activities.
Shortly after that Rose Bowl experience, Dan tightened up his business plan, incorporated and with the help of Joe Rogers, VP of operations, incorporated, secured domain names and submitted a trademark application. “A friend for eight years, it was Joe’s idea to monetize the concept and he began the early work on the website and social media campaign,” Dan says. Since then, the company has added Dan’s college rugby teammate, Jim Devine, as controller and Theresa Baumgartner as Chief Legal Counsel. “Once the train left the station, we started recruiting top tier hosts from across the nation who would be interested in hosting guests,” Dan says. Many of these tailgaters are well known in college football circles and have been featured on national TV or ranked in nationwide tailgate competitions.

So far they have over 40 hosts signed up around the country including 38 Division 1 and two Division 2 schools such as; the University of Texas, Nebraska, LSU, Michigan, Arkansas, Stanford, Georgia, Arizona, Colorado, Ole Miss, Minnesota, Tennessee, Arkansas, Penn State, Iowa State and Kentucky, to name just a few.

The next step was to reach out to the actual colleges that traveled large groups of fans for away games. Dan and his team have connected with travel coordinators for Gridiron Clubs across the country knowing those group’s members often like to mix with the home team crowds prior to a game.

The concept lays out something like this: A local or traveling fan planning to attend a game visits the Tailgate Connect website, plugs in the date and location and for $40.00 per guest is provided with a host contact (email and mobile phone number) along with a pinpoint locator map identifying the tailgate location. “Some of our smallest hosts (Boston College) have room for 2-4 guests and some of our largest hosts (University of Texas, Austin) have room for 100. Zero week “kicks-off” August 26th with four D1 games, however, Labor Day, is the official start to the college football season.

As a VP of Sales for a tech company, Dan travels a lot for business which affords him the ability to attend a lot of games on the road. He’s been known catch two, occasionally three games, if geography and schedules cooperate. With one daughter graduated from Boise State (Rachel) and one who just graduated from the University of Oklahoma (Erin), it also allowed Dan the chance to visit his girls while still promoting the Dan from the Tailgate brand. His youngest (Grace) is now a sophomore on the Pom team at Monte Vista High School and dad has promised to work a little closer to home this upcoming season in order to see her perform at a majority of the Friday night home games. His wife, Amy, has always been a big supporter of Dan’s passion and attends a couple of games a year with her man.

To no surprise, Dan is commonly asked where’s his favorite place to tailgate and watch a game? Without any hesitation, Donnelly proclaims, The Grove at Ole Miss. The Grove has been called “The Holy Grail of Tailgating.” Located on the Oxford, Mississippi campus, the ±10 acre site regularly attracts upwards of 100,000 of the most loyal college football fans, tailgating on any given game day. Steeped in tradition and revelry, The Grove opens on Friday night and closes three hours after an exciting SEC game played in front of 64,000 people at Vaught-Hemingway stadium. Second to Ole Miss would be LSU at Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, followed by, in no particular order, University of Oklahoma, Army, Clemson, Arkansas, Auburn and University of Washington. At last count, Dan has been to over 100 different venues and experienced over 150 tailgate events.

Using football vernacular, Dan hopes Tailgate Connect scores a touchdown this upcoming season. Dan shares, “Tailgating has become a personal space sharing experience, much like Uber or Airbnb. It’s an added element to just attending a game and a win-win for the host and their guests.”

For more information on Tailgate Connect check out their website at www.tailgateconnect.com or visit Dan’s Blog at dantailgate.blogspot.com. Personally, I can’t wait to experience the tailgating phenomenon through Tailgate Connect while visiting my daughters at their respective colleges or attending a local game this fall.

Summer Writer’s Block Volume 5

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I’ve got a splitting headache from banging my head against my computer screen trying to think of something to write for the August issue of ALIVE. Sadly, I had hoped the blunt force trauma would spurn some new ideas, but alas, it’s only triggered more concussion-like symptoms. What was I saying? This writer’s block thing seems to happen every year around this time. After a couple family vacations, some crazy 4th of July shenanigans and a block party or two (#culetdrive), my creative tank has run out of gas. Plus, once you’re over fifty, most men struggle with memory issues. To be completely honest, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast let alone what I’ve written about over the last ten years, unless I access my massive article scrapbook. Yes, I scrapbook. Don’t judge me.

As many of you know, if I’m away on assignment, the Chief (aka Eric Johnson), has, at times, rerun a former article because there’s not a real high likelihood a lot of current ALIVE readers actually saw or read the article when it originally came out. I’m only guessing, since I never get any reader feedback. While I’m on that topic, my ALIVE email address must be printed incorrectly as it’s been approximately twenty-seven months since I received any fan mail. Suffice it to say, and I do love saying “suffice it,” I could probably rerun Summer’s Writer’s Block Volumes 1-4 and be relatively safe no one has read them, however I have way too much integrity for such shenanigans. Shenanigans is my new favorite word. So, without further ado, the following is my annual collection of random summer thoughts instead of a long rambling piece on one specific subject or topic. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Age Appropriate Attire – If you’re a man over 50, you really shouldn’t be wearing a tank top/muscle T, ripped jeans, a team jersey with another man’s name on it, or your ball cap turned backwards. You look ridiculous. There, I said it. “Sun’s out/guns out” is a fashion statement that should only be used by younger men like Zac Efron (28), Jimmy Garoppolo (26), Michael B. Jordan (29), or Jake (13), the kid who mows our lawn. As a sophisticated gentleman in my mid-50s, much like George Clooney pre-scooter accident, my wardrobe compliments my rocking Dad-bod. My lounge-wear is a little more stylish and laidback than my work attire, but I don’t try to front like some British fancyman in his 30s. The Idle Man publication says men over 50 should focus on fit and colors, with a splash of accessories, rather than trends. Sage advice! It’s why I shop at Forever 51 and buy sensible shoes at Nordstrom (for their generous return policy). Ultimately, my strategy is to dress my age and have my colors done.

Social Media Awareness – If you’re a man over 50, you really shouldn’t be on Snapchat, Instagram or even Twitter. You look ridiculous. There, I said it. Stick with Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest, and Foursquare like the rest of us dinosaurs. Leave the other sites to the millennial generation. “Snap me” is a term that should only be used by Justin Bieber (24), Draymond Green (28) or Palmer Luckey (23)—(Google him). As a tech-challenged suburban gentleman, I stick to what I know and what I know is Open Table, Words with Friends and on occasion, Fandango. They may not be social media sites, but they allow me to be social with my friends, family, and co-workers. You won’t find me on Tinder, but please don’t hesitate to “Friend Me” and Like my crazy kitten posts on Facebook.

Giving is Living – If you’re a man over 50, you really should spend some time volunteering. The second half of life should include giving back to your community. Sharing is caring. There, I said it. Once your kids are at an age where they don’t need/want you around like they did when they were younger, there is a tendency to get sad, lonely and bored. All are terms that I relate to as an empty nest dad myself. One surefire way to overcome these understandably normal emotions is to volunteer, and there are countless volunteer opportunities all around us. As a way to fill my empty hours, I’ve done everything from a single shift at the Alameda County Food Bank to coaching several seasons with the San Ramon Valley T-Birds. Volunteering is an easy and fulfilling way to spend time with incredible people doing something worthwhile. The SPCA is always looking for pet friends, East Bay Regional Park District has monthly trail rejuvenation projects, and the annual Run for Education needs field marshals for their upcoming fundraising run. Even if none of those volunteer opportunities float your boat, just surf the (non-porn) web to find something that appeals to you. Volunteering can give you a sense of purpose, expand your friend and business contact networks, and just get your butt off the couch and out of the house for a few hours. Your spouse will thank you and me.

Music Playlists – If you’re a man over 50 and you have an iTunes, Spotify, or Pandora playlist, listen to whatever the hell you want. There, I said it. Music is so subjective and should be left to one’s individual taste. I, myself, still like the classic rock of Def Leppard, Fleetwood Mac, and Journey along with the more timely stylings of a John Mayer, Keith Urban, and Michael Franti. Now, unlike most of my Tri Valley suburban dad peers, I can also appreciate newer artists such as Childish Gambino, Post Malone, and Halsey (who most of you have never heard of) along with the more pop stylings of Ed Sheeran, Bruno Mars, or Florence and the Machine (who I hope some of you have heard of). Music of any genre has no age boundaries and should be appreciated as art. Now concerts are something else completely, as I much prefer the intimate confines of a club or small venue to the craziness of an arena or amphitheater show. Call me old, but you couldn’t pay me enough Bitcoin to attend Outside Lands, Snow Globe, or Bottle Rock. I can only imagine what a s*#t show the three-day Coachella Music Festival would be when jostling with 250,000 people for a place to stand and watch one of the 30 acts daily. No thank you, I say!
Being the music aficionado I am, I love music trivia. Did you know that more songs have been written about Saturdays than any other day of the week? You’ve undoubtedly heard Saturday in the Park by Chicago, Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting) by Sir Elton John and S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y by the Bay City Rollers. These are rowdy, whoop-it-up anthems primed for going out and having a good time. Guess what day comes in second? Mondays, probably because Mondays are the opposite of Saturdays, drab and depressing. Songs such as I don’t like Mondays by The Boomtown Rates, Just Another Manic Monday by The Bangles, Rainy Days and Mondays by The Carpenters and Monday/Monday by The Mamas & The Papas are all pretty sad and depressing. There are songs written and recorded about every day of the week including Ruby Tuesday, Waiting for Wednesday and Thursday’s Child, but Fridays and Sundays get more than their share of airplay with songs such as Last Friday Night, Friday I’m in Love with You and Friday on my Mind, to go along with Sunday Bloody Sunday, Sunday Papers and Sunday Morning. You might ask yourself, “Self, why is he sharing this with me?” No reason, just filler to get me to my word count. I’m full of shenanigans.

Shenanigans – If you’re a man over 50, a certain amount of shenanigans should be part of your summer. There, I said it. I’m not saying “cop-calling” shenanigans, but don’t’ be afraid to cut loose and have a little fun from time to time. A few ideas include seeing live comedy at Tommy T’s instead of another movie at the local megaplex, enjoying a game night with friends or renting the movie Game Night. You don’t even need little ones to enjoy a romantic overnight campout. Make it a goal to attend one of the free concerts playing almost every weekend somewhere along the I-680 corridor Before the summer ends, walk barefoot on freshly cut lawn, wash your car shirtless or invite your neighbor over for a margarita and game of doorbell ditch. For gosh sakes, enjoy your summer like you did when you were young.

I would like to thank you all for struggling with me through this year’s version of my annual writer’s block dribble. If my words provide you with just a small pleasant distraction to your otherwise busy and stressful day then I have done my job, which really isn’t a job at all. It’s more like a hobby or craft project for my scrapbook. There, I said it. Suffice it to say, how do you like those shenanigans?

Time Travel

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While trying to come up with some new summer vacation destination—somewhere other than Tahoe, San Diego or Wally World—it made me wish I had a time machine. Think of the amazing possibilities.

Time travel has always been a popular concept. Originally popularized by H. G. Wells’ 1895 novel The Time Machine, the concept of time travel was moved into the public imagination. Imagine, if you will, that you had the ability to travel backward or forward in time to a specific date or period. Think how incredible it would be to teleported from the summer of 2018 to a day/month/year in the past or future, to relive a magical moment, to play a part in history, or to see if flying cars actually materialized, ie; the Hanna-Barbara animated sitcom, The Jetsons.

What if you could make time travel a summer vacation destination? Pretty cool, right? I wish I could take credit for it, but it was an article idea shared with me by a friend. I wish I could travel back in time and come up with that idea on my own, but I don’t think I would use a trip in my super cool time machine just to lay claim to an ALIVE article. What a waste. No, when I time travel it’s going to be an epic ride with a real purpose in mind.

The major television networks love their weekly series about time travel, and why not? The concept of time travel lends itself to so many great storylines. Two of the more popular time travel TV programming shows over the last 20 years are Timeless – a series about an unlikely trio who travel through time in order to battle unknown criminals in order to protect history as we know it. Timeless is currently running on NBC, Monday nights at 10:00 PM PST. The other hugely popular show was Quantum Leap (which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993), chronicling Dr. Sam Beckett’s adventures temporarily taking the place of people to correct historical mistakes showed how time travel could alter or disrupt historical events. However, there are a lot more shows that most viewers might have missed including; Travelers, Making History, Time Trax, Outlander, Flash Forward, Journeyman and The Time Tunnel, to name just a few. I’m not sure if all these series were on NBC, but the brain trust at the Peacock Network seems to have found a popular concept that clicks with the American public. 

There have also been countless books written about time travel. By countless, I mean too many to count, literally millions, given my Wiki-research. A Wrinkle in Time, The Time Travelers Wife, Voyager, Time Bound, Outlander (again) and Time and Again are just a few. One book that I actually read was, 11/22/63 by Stephen King, about a time traveler who attempts to prevent the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. This incredibly crafted novel spent 16 weeks on the New York Times Bestseller list.  That King guy has real potential as a writer of novels.

As delightful as these forms of entertainment are, and don’t even get me started on the Back to the Future, Terminator or Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure movie franchises, I question whether or not the average person, man or woman, given the ability to time travel, would choose to alter history or simply attend a Beatles concert, replay a high school football game, or simply spend time with a deceased loved one?  Sure it sounds good to take a week off from work, secure a house/pet sitter and put a hold on the mail, assuming you found a secret portal, flux capacitor or magical hot tub (Hot Tub Time Machine was a classic) that could provide you with access to the past or future, would you want to visit Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday at the OK Corral, visit with your late grandparents as an adolescent, or drive a flying car (like George Jetson and Jane, his wife)? There are pros and cons with each, but that’s why I write these thought provoking pieces, to challenge you, the reader, to ride with me through this quandary.

The following are actual “man on the street” responses to the following question, if you could access a time machine and spend a week in the past or future, when and where would you go? To be totally honest, they weren’t actual random people I found on the street, or homeless street people, but you get my drift.

I wouldn’t mind traveling back to the 1950s to see what life was like in a fun and simpler “Happy Days/American Graffiti” time period. No particular time or place, just some random sock hop during that era—Julie C.

I would want to either go back to the late 1960s and spend time in rural Ohio where I grew up or spend a week with my children as toddlers again.—Erin D.

I would like to visit Sicily, Italy in the mid-1800s to see what my grandparents (both sides) were like as children.—Mary Jo DM.

I would travel back to the stock market crash of Black Monday on October 19, 1987. I would spend the entire week loading the boat with smart stock buys that would set me up for life.—Eric O.

I would go back to my senior year of high school and tell teenage me not to date the guy I ended up seeing for three years. I was at a crossroads and made the wrong choice back then and that decision altered my life.—Nicole O.

I might travel forward to see if some of the “Black Mirror” episodes actually came true. –Vanisha K.

I would spend a week with Jesus in Jerusalem or Galileo.—Sean C.

I would blast 20-30 years in the future to make sure my kids are doing Ok. Either that or attend Woodstock in 1969.—Jim L.

I would travel back to 5th grade (1970) to the skating rink in Melbourne, Florida where I asked the cutest girl in our class, Robin Thompson, to slow skate and then lost the nerve to hold her hand. I’ve always regretted that missed opportunity. –Blake C.

I’m an Olympics junkie and would travel back to the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, New York. It would be the week that the “Miracle on Ice” U.S. men’s hockey team beat the Soviet Union in the semi-finals and then beat Finland to win the gold. –Eva G.

Before our children were born, my husband and I visited Paris for the first time. Paris was somewhere I had always wanted to visit, I had studied French in school and we were madly in love. That’s what I would like to do again because it was such a magical time. –Vanessa C.

So I guess it’s my turn. As tempting as it would be to be at one of my more memorable high school or college football games, I would use my chance to travel back to 1988 when both of my parents were still alive. I would take with me tons of pictures of their granddaughters, Hannah and Claire, who they never got a chance to meet. I would spend time asking them all the questions I wish I had asked, but never did.

I would also pay strict attention to all their stories I only half listened to or rolled my eyes through the first time I semi-heard them. I would watch their favorite shows or listen to their radio stations with them without bitching and complaining like I used to.  I would gorge on my mom’s great home cooking (think Paula Dean) and ask my dad to walk me through some basic home improvement skills (think MacGyver).

Without wanting to get too sentimental, we all missed so much by not having them around all these years and I would give anything, even the top-secret plans to my super cool time machine, for a chance to spend just one week with them again.  

For any of my contemporaries in the 50 – 60 year old demographic, I encourage you to read the book Stingray Afternoons by Steve Rushin. Rushin’s memoir vividly describes life and times in the 1970s, growing up in the greater Minneapolis area. His magical depiction of pop culture during that era will take you back to your suburban youth. I have recommended this book to the guys I went to elementary school with, including Mark Peterson, Ron Mendez, Ron Hood, Derek Sousa, Jeff Morales and Luis Pena as well as the neighborhood kids I grew up with such as Chris Fowlie, Terry Ivie, Carlo and Victor Martina, Renny Del Carlo and Albie Cavagnaro.

As Rushin points out, your school friends and your neighborhood friends rarely crossed over so it was completely acceptable to have two sets of best buddies. Those who have read it love to call and recant their own “Stingray” experiences growing up in the shadow of Moffett Field Naval Air Base in beautiful Mountain View (long before it became Google View). In the absence of actual time travel, this book was the next best thing.

I hope you find your own personal method of time travel this summer, when and wherever you choose to go.

Dad’s Night Out

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The Personification of a Dad’s Social Networking Group

I love being a dad. It’s the greatest job in the world with perhaps the one exception being Howie Mandel’s sweet gig as the host of Deal or No Deal. Since the day my children were born, I thought nothing of rushing home from a hard day’s work to put in another five or six hours as the newly defined “active dad.”

Active Dads are those of us who, in addition to earning a living, enthusiastically assume our 50% share of the child rearing duties by participating in such rituals as play time, bath time and bed time. Once the kids are a little older those activities transcend into coaching sports, helping with homework, making lunches, monitoring TV/computer/video game/cell phone usage and refereeing UFC style disagreements.

Those chores are on top of helping our wives around the house with the cooking, cleaning and laundry. That’s in addition to my regular responsibilities of garbage emptier, lawn mower, car washer, bill payer and spider killer. Fifty-nine days out of sixty it’s all about the wife and kids, but on that 60th day/night I think I deserve a little “me time.”

My “me time” is defined as a night out with the fellas. One night, every other month, when I can get together with a few of my closest buddies in a relaxed and comfortable setting to chat, commiserate and share our inner most thoughts and fears about the rigors of being a working husband and dad. It’s a chance to bond and develop relationships with other men going through a similar phase in their lives. We often talk about the economy, sports, religion, politics, the environment or more often than not, just how to be better husbands and fathers.

The “Guys Night Out” was a direct take off of the similarly themed, “Girls Night Out,” possibly made popular by the Iron Horse Mother’s Club. The fact that we hold our meetings ever other month at Danville Bowl is irrelevant. Sure, we’ve been known to over indulge in festive libations made of hops and barley, hoot and holler like frat boys, smack talk like pro athletes, wager like degenerate gamblers and be worthless at work the next day, only reinforces our amateur sociology theory. After extensive research, I’ve concluded that, for the good of the family unit, married men/fathers need a harmless night out with the boys.

Dating back to cavemen, the head of the clan occasionally needs to blow off some steam and recharge the battery. Instead of hunting parties or sweating it out in a mud hut, suburban men of our day need to do something indigenous to our area, like playing poker, joining a softball team or bocce ball league, attending a sporting event or go bowling.

I wish Dad’s Night Out was every week. I need more “me” time and DNO embodies everything good in our world, friends, beer and bowling. Everyone needs to relieve stress – especially now. Anonymous

Shortly after my wife gave birth to our first child she informed me that she was joining the Iron Horse Mother’s Club. In my typical role as loving husband and father my response was probably, “What’s for dinner?” It didn’t take me long to find out how valuable the Iron Horse Mother’s Club (IHMC) was going to be in our lives. The IHMC was formed in 1996 to serve as a resource to mothers (especially new moms) in the San Ramon, Danville, Dublin and Alamo communities. This wonderful network of mom’s with young children meet regularly to socialize, share, learn, vent and, above all else, to get out of the house.

While many mother’s join to find a playgroup for their children, it’s not uncommon to develop long lasting friendships. Since merging with the Mother’s Club of San Ramon Valley, the group now has over 400 members and is involved in a variety of local activities, parenting issues and support endeavors. One of the most popular activities amongst its sleeper cells is “Mom’s Night Out.”

MNO usually takes place one weekday night a month when mom has the opportunity to enjoy an evening out with her girlfriends, but more importantly, an evening without her beloved children. The mommies congregate in a relaxed and comfortable environment to chat, commiserate and share their inner most thoughts and fears about the rigors of being a wife and mother, usually over a glass of white wine (Rombauer typically).

As the children get older (or the moms do, I’m not sure which), women gradually move on from the IHMC, but Mom’s Night Out remains a constant and book club is added to the monthly schedule of must attend activities.

My wife goes out at least once a week for Bunco, PTA or some type of Cabi/BodyShop/ Pampered Chef/Southern Living show. Half the time I don’t even know where she is, but that’s my tradeoff for DNO and it’s worth it. Anonymous.

During a casual conversation with a few of the neighborhood dads, a little over four years ago, the following thought provoking question was raised, “Hey, why don’t we have a dad’s club?” and like that, Dad’s Night Out originated. What started out as a mere six dad’s getting together for one evening on the town has blossomed into upwards of twenty-four dads rearranging their business travel schedules to avoid missing our every other month night out of bowling.

Initially, we thought about meeting at someone’s home or utilizing a room at a local church. We even considered an HOA clubhouse or having coffee at a book store, but ultimately we chose bowling to avoid any clique accusations. As everyone knows, bowling is a form of exercise and with our busy schedules it’s hard to always get in a workout. A bowling alley also has a certain intrinsic social networking appeal. It comes with wearing rented shoes.

An executive decision was made to not begin our gathering until 9:00 p.m., allowing each of us to spend ample time with our families before we went out. We didn’t want to be accused of neglecting our “active dad” duties and depriving our wives of the night time assistance they’ve come to expect.

This may sound a little corny, but with everyone’s busy schedule this is one thing on the calendar we can all depend on to get together…perfectly timed to start at 9pm, so dinner’s complete, homework done and kids are on their way to being asleep and, because it’s only every other month the wife can’t complain (too much)… Anonymous

There are seven simple rules of Dad’s Night Out. 1) Never talk about Dad’s Night Out. It’s a lot like fight club. 2) Be on time and never flake on the group. If you say you’ll be there and don’t show up that would be disrespecting the group and grounds for expulsion. 3) Don’t take the game too seriously. We’re there to have fun, relax and verbally attack the weakest bowler. Nobody should be trying to roll a 300. 4) Don’t forget to buy beer. Each participant is required to purchase one six pack of beer from the alley bar at some point during the evening. You can always tell a newbie by the fact that they purchase a premium beer while the grizzled veterans are content sucking down Bud or Coors Light. Even if you have an important meeting the next morning and are limiting your alcohol intake you are still expected to contribute to the group. 5) The stakes are $2.00 per game and $1.00 if you throw a gutter ball. Winning team shares the pot. The gaming angle is because most men have some form of ADHD and money keeps us focused. 6) Make sure your bowling brothers get home safely. Be safe and responsible. Finally, #7) What happens at DNO stays at DNO. It’s a lot like Vegas.

When my wife asks me how bowling was I usually just grunt and say, “fine.” There’s no way she could appreciate how important Dad’s Night Out is to me. Women just don’t get the joyful appeal of guys ridiculing on each other, throwing back brewskies, swearing, scratching and competing at a game that most of us suck at. It’s just guys being guys and we love it. Anonymous

We’ve recently determined that Dad’s Night Out is even more fun if we establish a theme for the evening. Much like Rotary, Kiwanis or the Bloods and Crips, our gang likes to rally around a designated theme at our gatherings. What started with a Loud Hawaiian shirt night theme a few summers ago and has since morphed into a plethora of zany themes such as; employer logo night, support your favorite (baseball/football) team night, college alma mater night and we even threw one guy a baby shower. We all dressed head to toe in the color blue to send the expectant father of three girls a rush of male testosterone. They had a boy.

One former member suggested cross dressers night which explains why he’s a former member. Fortunately, we can always count on one of our more passionate brothers to take our designated theme a bit too far, as evidenced by his spandex Santa outfit last December. It was festive and yet disturbing.

Every DNO I’m running around the house like a madman looking for something “theme appropriate” right before I’m scheduled to leave. I know my wife thinks I’m a dork, but the kids think it’s hilarious. Anonymous.

The employees of the bowling alley have come to appreciate the energy our Dad’s Night Out brings to the lanes. Sam, the youthful senior who mans the front desk, looks forward to our visits and is ever ready with a recycled dirty joke and repeatedly asking if we’re an “alternative lifestyle” social group. The bartender warmly says she “hits the jackpot” every time we come in.

Thursdays, our night of choice thanks to the emergence of Casual Friday’s, is country music night at Danville Bowl and the music starts blasting at ten o’clock. Oddly, our game scores actually seem to improve the later it gets. Collectively we attribute this to the abundance of liquid performance enhancing supplements we consume. It must be the beer because none of us can see more than 15 feet down the lane once the lights go down and the lasers and strobes kick on. It’s like Wii on steroids.

I take the same approach as a closer in baseball after a bad outing…I have a short memory of how bad I actually was at our last event. I respond to the bi-monthly e-mail announcements as if I were Earl Anthony re-incarnated…calling out everyone on the list and letting them know that this is my night to take home the top score and big money… Anonymous

At the end of the night, the conclusion of three games, it truly doesn’t really matter who won, except for bragging rights and a little pocket change (money won is always sweeter than money earned and more than a few of the group are currently unemployed). We all shake hands or give each other a manly bro hug and go our separate ways until the next meeting in exactly eight weeks, which is approximately 56 days or 1,343 hours, not that we’re counting.

As our neighborhood carpool group climbs into the SUV (with our designated driver) we’ve come to expect a rowdy ride home with more than a few distasteful jokes at the expense of wives, careers or the kids athletic or academic shortcomings. Good times are good times and Dad’s Night Out (bowling and beer) is a great time.

DNO reminds me a lot of college except now we have money and a designated driver. Maybe it’s more like the movie Old School. It’s our own little fraternity for guys in their 40’s. Phi Bowla Frama. I can’t wait for rush week in the fall. Anonymous.

With June being the month we celebrate Father’s Day, we implore the mothers and children reading this article to not only embrace, but encourage Dad’s Night Out for the men you love. It doesn’t have to be a bowling group that they join, just some type of regularly scheduled social outing with a select group of their male friends. Men need to cut up, cut loose and hang out with their bros. Since real men don’t Twitter or blog, hell we can barely text, DNO is the personification of a dad’s social networking group.

We encourage all men reading this Public Service Announcement to align yourself with a group of your buddies and implement a Dad’s Night Out in your life.

The anonymous quotes throughout this article can be attributed to the men of our group not wanting to anger or upset their wives by speaking out. There’s safety in anonymity.

I Am the Last Emperor

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At last quarter’s ALIVE staff meeting, editor Eric Johnson encouraged us to pitch new article ideas. I jumped up and said, “Chief,” that’s what I call him around the office, “Chief, what about a follow-up piece to my International Pub Crawl article that was so warmly received by the Alive readership family in the summer of 2017?” As you may recall, that popular piece chronicled my adventures traveling through England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales, visiting as many pubs as possible, complete with massive beer consumption. Trust me, it was huge! My new idea was a pub and beer tour through Eastern China. Fortunately for me, EJ loved it. He tossed me the company credit card and simply said, “Go for it Ace.” That’s what he calls me around the office, “Ace.”

Unbeknownst to me, or Mr. Johnson apparently, I was soon to discover that China only has about five makers of beer (Tsingtao, Hans, Snow, Sunage and Yanjing) and virtually no neighborhood pubs in a country of approximately 1.4 billion people. Despite the fact that all five beers taste somewhat like a watered down version of Pabst Blue Ribbon, someone (the Chinese government) is missing one heck of a pub franchise money making opportunity, given their nation’s sports spectator preclusion for soccer, basketball and ping-pong.

So instead of a pub tour, I hooked up with a Chamber of Commerce Tour with Citslinc. The good news with a tour is everything is scheduled, the bad news is everything is scheduled. Upon arriving after a 12 hour China Air flight, we stopped for the first of approximately 17 meals of Chinese food over 10 days. Now I love me some tasty Chinese food from China Village in Dublin, but every lunch and dinner had me craving a peanut butter sandwich about half way through the itinerary.

With a C of C tour, we visited a Jade Factory, Pearl Factory, Xi’an Art/Terra-Cotta Warrior Factory, Lacquer Furniture Factory, a Silk Garment Institute, The Mei Family Tea Farm in the Plum Valley and the Silk Embroidery Gallery. We were educated at each stop by charismatic spokesmen and women who all closed with first class sales pitches as part of their presentations. Yes, you read correctly. I’m confident there is a Chinese movie equivalent to Glengarry Glen Ross because if “coffee (or tea in this case) is for closers,” these folks were swimming in coffee/tea swimming pools because they could certainly close a sale. It was hard not to leave with something at each of the places we visited, but when will I actually wear my new silk boxer shorts embroidered with a dragon?

The two biggest cities we visited were Shanghai and Beijing. They are a lot like New York City on New Year’s Eve if the Super Bowl was being played in Times Square during the Consumer Electronics Show. Better yet, imagine the population of the Top 10 U.S. cities: New York City, NY – 8,550,405, Los Angeles, CA. – 3,971,883, Chicago, IL. – 2,720,546, Houston, TX. – 2,296,224, Philadelphia, PA. – 1,567,442, Phoenix, AZ. – 1,563,025, San Antonio – 1,469,845. San Diego, CA. – 1,394,928, Dallas, TX. – 1,300,092, and San Jose, CA – 1,026,908 and that equals China’s most populated city, Chongqing’s 30,000,000 people. An unsubstantiated source (my wife) told me that half of the construction cranes in the world are in China which is not hard to believe given the massive development going on in every city we visited. The elevated freeways, skyscrapers and bridges are straight out of the movie Blade Runner. These cities literally never sleep as construction crews run 24/7. The most staggering product type is the enormous residential condos that are peppering the skylines. These aren’t single stand-alone buildings, but 5 to 25 building campuses that stand between 20 and 40 stories tall.

In addition to Beijing and Shanghai, we also stopped for a cup of tea and a happy house (aka bathroom) break in the cities of Xi’an, Suzhou and Hangzhou. Several memorable sites throughout our tour included: the Temple of Heaven built in 1420 A.D., the Olympic Village, Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City, the Emperor’s Summer Palace, the Wild Goose Pagoda, Xi’an’s Ancient City Wall, Banpo Museum/Pre-Historical Caveman Site, the West Garden Temple, a cruise on the West Lake Cruise and down a portion of the Grand Canal, the Longjing Green Tea Plantation, the Pagoda of Six Harmony overlooking the Qiantang River, a ride on the Magnetic Levitation train (at 280 mph) and my two favorites, the Terra-Cotta Warriors excavation site at the Tomb of the first Emperor of the Qin Dynasty and walking on The Great Wall.

Our tour guides during our trip were Kevin, Melanie and John. Even If I could spell their Chinese names I certainly could never pronounce them. All three were engaging, highly educated and very entertaining. Not only did they tackle English as a second language, they’ve also managed to incorporate humor in their dialog with us yúchǔn dì měiguó rén (simple Americans).

This trip would not have been as fun without the participation of the other members of my tour group including; Julie Copeland, Joan and Richard Means, Randy and Emily Yim, Michael and Emma Wong, Janet and John Silva, Dennis and Rose Richardson, Karen and Dan Towel, Robert and Sally Pettit, Linda Evans and Jim Silvers, Kim Bowers and Nes Albano, Norma McTyer, Jasmen Howe, Amy Anderson, Mary Jo Della Maggiore, Joe Fontes, Judy Rice Rice and Jeanne Rogers. I also want to thank our Pleasanton Chamber of Commerce trip coordinator, the lovely and talented, Miss Kate D’Or.

My only regret, because I was traveling on a group VISA, I did not get a stamp in my passport. Sad face emoticon because, as my new hoodie proclaims, I am the Last Emperor.

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The Legend of Floyd

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Much like Elvis, Prince, Madonna, Cher, Beyonce, and Liberace, Floyd’s singular name commands the same type of respect and attention from the music world. Loved and admired by fans, critics and his rock peers, Floyd of Floyd’s Ordeal, has been off the radar for the last several years. Rumors of a retirement, illness or mental breakdown had all surfaced on conspiracy theory websites. Being the award winning investigative journalist I am, it was my goal to track down the reclusive rock n’ roll front man who changed my life forever.

It took me months of following every lead imaginable until I found the legendary cover band singer/bass player. I initially heard that he was working as a Mt.Everest Sherpa in Nepal, then a valet car-parking attendant at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas and one rumor even had him running with a pack of wolves, somewhere near Yosemite.

Much to my surprise he had actually assumed the role of a county manager for a “to remain nameless” title insurance company in San Jose. Candidly, I was disappointed to find Floyd living the M-F/9-5 suburban slow death existence. For a one-time buttless chaps, dreadlock extension-wearing front man of a classic rock, turned grunge rock, turned alt rock band, who ruled the Bay Area small club circuit from 1993 – 2008, I couldn’t imagine a more sad and depressing, cheesy Rotarian, profession given the wild lifestyle this rock god lived for roughly 15 years.

I caught up with the reclusive celebrity while he was trying to pass a kidney stone. It’s said a wild honey badger only rests when bitten by a cobra. Similarly, Floyd’s cobra is trying to pass a basketball size calcium deposit and that had him resting. He may have been in agony throughout our interview, but he certainly was insightful for someone so heavily medicated. When I arrived he was playing air-trombone and eating animal crackers. After I adjusted his pillows, we spent the next couple of hours catching up and making crank phone calls.

The son of a navy man, Floyd was born in Portsmouth, Vitginia, but traveled around a lot until he was discovered and offered a spot as a Disney Kid on the Mickey Mouse Club. Not talented enough to work the states, he was a crowd favorite at the Tokyo Disneyland. Like Justin Timberlake and Nick Lachey before him, he traded in his mouse ears for the acne scars of a boy band.

Floyd’s Boys, based in Orlando, Florida, did the typical tour of indoor malls until they broke up over the lack of bathroom etiquette on their tour bus. Floyd took this opportunity to get his high school GED and community college AA degree in Fashion Merchandising through a less than reputable online learning center. This is also when Floyd began performing as part of a popular acappella duo. His partner, Steve Harwell, who later joined the mildly successful and horribly cheesy alt-band, Smash Mouth, left Floyd high and dry when fame called. The popular duo, known as Floyd & Co., played the South Bay coffee house circuit in the mid to late 80s. “I carried Steve’s weak singing the best I could with occasional hand clap solos and sang leads whenever he went to the can. Our Tully’s world tour was very well received,” Floyd says. This senseless break-up did allow Floyd to form the band, Floyd’s Ordeal, however open auditions for bandmates lasted almost three years.

There have been many Floyd’s Ordeal line-ups over the years, but the one constant has always been Floyd himself. “They tried to replace me at one time, but I controlled 51% of the band’s voting power,“ says Floyd. He doesn’t really like to talk why he took this self-imposed sabbatical, but it apparently has something to do with the IRS and unreported income. He’s begged me a thousand times to ghost write his autobiography, but I’m afraid it would be too emotionally draining on me.

Floyd has been married to his much younger trophy wife Christie for over 26 years. Together they have two beautiful daughters (Karly and Libby). Like many traveling musicians and magicians, it’s hard to say how many half siblings the girls have out there on the road. Floyd struts around the family’s cramped 2-bedroom condo like he owns the place. They’re actually renting. The walls are outfitted with Floyd signed guitars and gold albums. Floyd’s Ordeal released several EPs(extended play) CDs over the years including Young Man (1995), Chucky’s Carp (1996), Spinning (1999), Interior/Exterior Music (2002) and the seven disc FO Greatest Hits/Anthology Box Set (2017). Collectively the band sold a total of 27 units which is just five more than the total number of books I’ve sold.

Most people think I’m bragging when I tell them Floyd was the best man in my wedding. He wanted to be the flower girl, but my wife said no. Floyd and I became friends at the height of his career while he was living on Easy Street. He actually lived on Easy Street in Mountain View.

When I said earlier that Floyd changed my life, he actually did when he gave this wanna-be writer a pen and allowed me to contribute a monthly column to the Floyd’s Ordeal fan club newsletter. This early training, dealing with unrealistic deadlines and countless re-writes under a sadistic editor, conditioned me to be the popular columnist I am today.

Very few people know that Floyd and I also collaborated on a song entitled, Love 4 Money from his debut EP. This probably explains why I wanted to name my first-born son, Floyd, but sadly I only had girls. I did pitch the names Floydena, Floyderella or Floydiana, but no luck.

When I asked Floyd about the highs and lows of stardom he gets a little misty-eyed when recounting his unhealthy obsession with Mike Peters of The Alarm. “Imagine listening to your favorite band all through college and then years later getting the chance to not only open for them, but become besties with your hero.” Floyd’s Ordeal opened for The Alarm four times during shows in the Bay Area and Floyd stalked Peters all the way back to Wales where he was asked to perform with him at The Gathering, an annual concert put on by the band for their huge fan base (a couple of dozen equally obsessed Alarm-heads). For those wondering, the low point was playing a nearly empty biker bar for tips and watching his drummer go home with a girl who wasn’t necessarily born a girl. No judgment.

Floyd and I have always had a relationship based on mutual respect and out of control good natured ribbing. He’s the musician I always wanted to be and I’m the writer he never wanted to be. We have a lot more in common than most people think, but because of our busy schedules it’s difficult to find time to just hang out.

He is still performing, mostly with his youngest daughter, as an acoustic duo playing at churches, farmer’s markets and house shows. Floyd may look like an emaciated French performance artist, but he is actually an active ice hockey player and surfer. He also dabbles in photography, home renovations and car repair. He is truly a man of many skills and boundless energy. I hope one day everyone reading this article will get a chance to meet the man, the myth… the legend who is FLOYD.

What’s It Like to be…

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My good friend, Michael Guida, has an interesting idea for a podcast series, asking people what it’s like to do what they do. The countless loyal fans of my monthly column, routinely ask me (once a year if I’m lucky), “What’s it like to write a humor lifestyle column for a popular and trendy regional magazine?” It’s a lot of fun if you don’t mind criticism and ridicule… and that’s just from my family and friends.

I like to tell people that it’s a labor of love, which it is because it’s certainly not a labor of riches. I find writing my little article cathartic. It allows me to tap into my creative side which is a contrast to my day job as a commercial real estate agent where, at times, creativity is needed, but mostly it’s just a grind it out sales and numbers game. If I didn’t have these articles, I would be forced to take up scrap booking, hair styling or inappropriate origami to relieve myself of all those creative juices coursing through my veins.

That said, it got me thinking of what some other people do and what it must be like to possess or experience their unique profession, hobby or skill. This got me started along my path and, well, another amazing magazine piece.

My subjects were chosen based on my interest level and access to them. I would love to know what’s it like to be a two-time NBA MVP, but I don’t have Steph’s email address and the Warriors have repeatedly asked me to stop calling their offices.

So, what’s it like to be …

The Mayor of Danville – Renee Morgan (current City Council Member and former Mayor): “The hours are long and the days off are few, but the honor to serve and advocate for the residents of Danville and maintain the character of our community are beyond measure. As an elected official it is important to be dedicated to the vision and integrity of our constituents. We truly live in a special place. After living in Danville for 30 years and raising my children here I plan to keep it this way.”

A United States Congressman – Representative Eric Swalwell (CA 15th District) “Being a Congressman is the most satisfying job I could’ve hoped for. I have the privilege of going to work every day on behalf of my neighbors, friends and family; I can channel my own and my family’s passion for public safety into my work with the Judiciary and Intelligence committees; and I can help our nation look ahead through my work with Future Forum, the group I founded to engage millennial Americans. The joy of the job and the opportunity to do good far outweighs any passing frustrations. It’s always a break-neck pace, but it’s a dream job.”

A Rock Star – David Victor (formerly of Boston): “Being on stage, performing classic hit rock songs for thousands of music lovers, and delivering the goods, is an exhilarating, transcendent feeling. Fans love the music, and it’s an honor to make it. It’s a real bummer when you have an “off” night, and you know it! There’s nothing like being there, for both performer and fan. Videos pale in comparison. Capturing the moment and making the magic is a “presence thing.” Traveling by plane or bus from city to city is as romantic as anything I’ve ever experienced (professionally speaking, of course!) Having a “Performer Pass,”and going anywhere you want in the venue without anyone in a yellow windbreaker giving you any grief, is totally rock n roll. It’s a tough way to make a living, but nothing I’ve ever experienced professionally is as rewarding.”

The Owner of a Comedy Club – Gayle Thomas of Tommy T’s: “It absolutely has to be one of the best jobs in the world to work in an environment where you provide laughter. I’ve heard it said that laughter is medicine for the soul so I guess I’m pretty much a doctor. Ok, maybe that’s going too far, but if I could write prescriptions for people to take a break from their daily grind to come sit down for two hours and forget their troubles while laughing, I’d hand those out like candy on Halloween.”

A Stand-up Comedian – Bryan Kellen (Nationally touring comedian): “It goes from being frightening, frustrating, embarrassing, humiliating, depressing, lonely and really hard to comforting, uncomplicated, glorifying, thrilling, effortless and energizing every damn night I’m on stage.”

A Song Writer – Paul Jefferson (Co-wrote That’s as Close as I’ll get to Loving You, a #1 hit for Aaron Tippin and You’re Not My God with Keith Urban). “It’s like playing the lottery where you must buy your ticket from the top of Mount Everest…but when you hear one of your songs on the car radio the first time you realize it was worth losing a few fingers.”

A Commercial Airline Pilot – Captain John Macholz of American Airlines: “Despite being completely sober, I never know what day of the week it is or what city I’m in. I also can’t make plans this month to attend an event next month. But seriously, I’m about to upgrade to the Boeing 787 Dreamliner – a 335 passenger international wide body twin engine jet airliner. This is my childhood dream come true. I love the view from my office and the ability to travel with my family. I am incredibly blessed.”

A Policeman/First Responder – Dave Peruzzaro, Captain with the San Mateo Police Dept: “Being a law enforcement first responder truly is a job like no other. You never know what the next call for service has in store for you. One moment you are on routine patrol and the next moment you could find yourself in a life changing event. You can’t un-see the tragedy you see or change the experiences you experience. While the job of a police officer and first responder is an emotional roller coaster, it’s an honorable, challenging and incredibly rewarding profession.”

A Livermore Valley Winery Tasting Room Pourer– Michele Milz of Darcy Kent: “Unpredictable, but always fun, and yet sometimes even a bit stressful.” Meeting people is where the fun comes in! Some of them are the most experienced wine drinkers; for others it may be their 21st birthday, looking for their first sip of alcohol (wink wink). Then of course, there’s everyone else in between: Bachelorette parties, 50th birthday celebrations, class reunions, and the out-of-towners visiting California wine country for the first time. The people you meet make the job easy and fun because the act of wine tasting is, in fact, fun! My favorite types of customers are the ones who ask questions and test my own knowledge of wine. Sometimes I even learn a thing or two about wine in the hour I spend with a customer.”

A Professional Auctioneer – Damon Casatico of Charity Benefit Auctions: “Being the center of attention and running a high-profile charity auction with dozens of high priced fundraising items is like conducting a symphony or being an air traffic controller with your hair on fire!”

A Football Coach – Aaron Becker of San Ramon Valley High School: “Being the Varsity Head Football Coach at SRVHS is a tremendous honor, not to mention a year-round job. Our program prides itself on developing young men of great character and whether it be during football season, winter weight lifting, or spring and summer training we are constantly working toward that end, not to mention winning football games! As a former “Wolf” myself (class of ’97), it’s very rewarding to see our young men move on to bigger and better things beyond high school and it’s still exhilarating to run on to the field every Friday night for a big game. Like any job being the head football coach at SRVHS has its ups and downs but the relationships formed and the memories created each and every season make it all worthwhile!”

A Portrait Photographer – Krista Keller (specializing in High School Senior Photos): “It’s hard work, but it feels great because I get the chance to make kids feel special and confident for a day. This most likely is the last time they will have professional photos taken until they get married.”

A Master Skydiver – Steve Caltagirone (over 1000 jumps): “For me, skydiving provides the perfect combination of two experiences that would otherwise stand in opposition of one another. On the one hand, jumping out of a plane offers true sensory overload mixed with a steroid-dose of good old-fashioned adrenaline! On the other hand, it offers a level of peace many skydivers struggle to describe in words. The pure endorphin rush of plummeting to the earth at speeds exceeding 120 m.p.h. speaks for itself. Within this adrenaline-fueled excitement, however, lies a layer of inner peace and tranquility that is almost spiritual in nature.”

A Magazine and Book Publisher – Eric Johnson, Alive Media and Books: “Being a publisher of books and a monthly magazine is like being the Wizard of Oz. I get to use what appear to many to be “magical” powers, taking authors’ and writers’ work and transforming it, then putting it into different formats—printed and digital books and magazines—that reach thousands of readers throughout the Bay Area (in the case of ALIVE Magazine) and the entire world (in the case of ALIVE Books). And… and I get to do all this while hiding behind a curtain so that no one really knows how we do it or who I am!”

It goes without saying that I have some incredibly interesting and talented friends. A logical question is what are they doing hanging out with me? This was an incredibly fun assignment and I look forward to a follow up piece. Take my word for it when I say, you won’t be disappointed if you take the time to ask your friends or family members, What’s it like to be… ? Great idea Michael Guida.

Savor the Moments

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We’ve all had out moments. Good moments and bad moments, happy moments and sad moments, moments of triumph and moments of failure. I, for one, have had moments that I’m extremely proud of and moments that have caused me great embarrassment. Huge embarrassment. I’m pretty sure I wet myself in the outfield of my first Pee Wee league game and then again when I overdrank at a brothers-only fraternity retreat. Not my proudest moments.

Let’s face it, we’ve all shared “moments” with friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, classmates, casual acquaintances and complete strangers. Moments that vary on the emotional Richter scale from regrettable to forgettable to absolutely remarkable. A positive moment (a first kiss), might be something we reflect on for a lifetime while a negative moment—like falling asleep at a wedding ceremony for example—might be something to bury in the past forever.

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Recently while watching my favorite “guilty pleasure” television series, This Is Us, I could totally relate when Rebecca, trying to make sense of her dysfunctional mother-son relationship with Kevin, said, “It wasn’t all bad. We had our moments. I feel it in my soul; we had some really good moments.” Yes, it choked me up, I’m sensitive that way. I own it. Given that my own daughters have struggled with a strained relationship for most of their teenage years, I had just told each of them, individually the day before, “It hasn’t all been bad, you’ve had some moments that were good and fun.” This obviously explains the reason for the mistiness in my eyes that particular Tuesday evening around 9:55.

Sibling Moments
As a brother with three sisters, I’ve shared a million moments, both good and bad, with these three she-devils. At any given time, over the last 50 years, at least one of them won’t talk to me. We have shared sad and happy moments when we cried at each of our parent’s funerals and celebrated at all of our children’s births.

We’ve also laughed at crazy, funny, silly moments that only siblings get or can relate to. However, my favorite moments were fleeting conversations that were both deeply personal and genuinely heartfelt—the type of conversation that only a brother and sister can appreciate. . . even when they’re not talking years later.

When I asked my daughters what their special moments together were, they talked about playing with Barbies for hours on rainy days; the joy as they walked into an American Girl Doll store for the first time; the excitement of seeing Santa placing gifts under the tree on Christmas Eve, and a spontaneous Sunday afternoon at a Giants game. See, despite a lot of nasty cat fights, they have had their sweet and positive moments.

Parenting Moments
The tender, loving, magical moments of being a parent are like nothing else. It starts with the moment you first hold your newborn baby. Life-changing will forever be an understatement. I loved the moments of stand-rocking my babies to sleep while listening to a Marc Cohn or Kenny Loggins CDs. Don’t judge.

Developmental moments such as first steps, first words, potty training or riding a bike are hard to describe unless you’ve been there to experience them first hand. What are just as momentous are times of sadness, emotion, sorrow, frustration and heartbreak that can be difficult and painful, but all part of the parenting experience. The moment I became a father was the greatest moment of my life, twice.

Parented Moments
My dad was a 24-year U.S. Navy veteran, born and bred in the south. Although he was a man of few words, we had our moments. The teaching me to drive moment or the fishing and shooting guns back in Texas moments are irreplaceable.

Anytime I felt I made him proud of me was a moment that’s hard for a son to describe in writing. My mom, on the other hand, was a “moment machine,” always encouraging, supporting and willing me to succeed in school, sports—downright everything.

Sadly, because they both passed away so young, all I have are those deeply personal moment memories to hold on to and pass along to my kids.

Marriage Moments
Asking someone to marry you is a nerve wracking, sweat-generating moment as is the actual marriage ceremony. Finding out you’re going to have a baby and then actually having one (or more) is a life altering moment. Married couples have plenty of moments, some bigger than others and not all easy ones to navigate, but every marriage is full of them.

Sports Moments
Sporting moments, aka “Glory Days,” often stay with us men forever. We can tell you about a little league homerun hit 45 years ago like it was yesterday. I hit three when I was twelve, for whatever that’s worth.

I’ve written about certain gridiron moments from high school or college that helped define me as a player. The moment I crossed the finish line at the 2011 Chicago Marathon puts an immediate smile on my face, knowing what went into accomplishing that feat.

There is always a lot of determination mixed with sweat and countless hours dedicated to any serious athletic endeavor, however those irreplaceable moments that will last a lifetime override all the pain and agony.

Work Moments
Work is work, but I’ve had a few moments as a commission salesman that were memorable. Closing that first deal, closing that huge deal, or closing that brain damaged difficult deal were all moments.

Leaving one company and starting with another is a cautiously optimistic/nervous excitement moment. Often times, it’s the people we work with that help create a moment that for some reason makes me think of the brilliant television sitcom, The Office.

Valentine’s Day Moments
I’m no Don Juan, but I’ve had my romantic moments. In the third grade I gave Kelly Mullford a plagiarized poem passing it off as my own. Sadly, Dr. Seuss has a certain, easy-to-identify style to his writing.

In my early 20’s, I had my girlfriend wait just inside Macy’s in San Francisco while I ran to get the car during a torrential downpour. Along the way, I stopped to buy her a bunch of flowers from a street vendor. I was drenched when I picked her up, but the gesture won me mooches smooches.

As a husband and father of daughters, my feel good moment was seeing my wife and little girls faces light up annually when the florist annually delivered flowers to all three of them at the same time.

Moments are just that, a moment in time that has a lasting impact. A moment can occur in an instant, jiffy or flash. It can last seconds, minutes or hours. There really is no defined duration of time that constitutes a moment.

While it can be fleeting, it can also be immeasurable as a lasting moment forever burned into your heart and mind. The key is to never stop trying to create a moment for yourself or someone else.

While an article I wrote a few years ago encouraged my readers to appreciate the small things, I’m now here to tell you: Savor the Moments!

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