Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian

He Said/She Said with Robin and Shawn

February 4, 2016 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear SSHS,
I’ve been dating my guy for nearly four years now and really think it’s time we moved the relationship forward. Any ideas on how I might politely let him know that this Valentine’s Day I’d love a ring instead of roses? – Cupid’s Victim, Dublin, CA

She Said: You sound very direct—I’m sure he knows! Guys don’t like to be pushed on this stuff, so if you’ve dropped a few hints, let it go and see what happens. But here’s an idea: It’s Leap Year, which means we get a February 29. It’s tradition that on that day, the woman gets to ask the man to marry her. If there isn’t a little something gold peeking out from under the cherry cordial this Valentine’s Day, you’ve got two weeks to come up with your own proposal. I say, quit waiting and go for it!

He Said: A guy should never be coerced into making a proposal; he either wants to marry you or he doesn’t. Think about it, do you really want a guy to pop the question just because YOU are ready to say “yes?” It should be much more organic than that and happen because this is a big step that you both are ready for. That’s not to say that some guys don’t need a kick in the pants every now and then. Like Robin said, give him a chance to see if he makes his move this Valentine’s Day, otherwise you should just take matters into your own hands and see if it gets you the desired result.

Dear HSSS,
I own a couple of cars including a nice 4-wheel drive SUV that’s great for the snow. A friend has asked if she can borrow my SUV to go up to Tahoe for a few days. I’m happy to lend people a cup of sugar or a few bucks, but is this “favor” asking a bit much? -Wanting to be neighborly, but… Orinda, CA

He Said: There are favors and then there are FAVORS. Asking someone for a ride to the store is a favor, borrowing someone’s car for a vacation is a FAVOR. In this situation, it all depends on how much you trust your friend and how much you like your car. When you lend out a car, you’re far too liable for what someone else might do with it. My recommendation is you say “no” and you let them know you don’t lend out valuables such as your car. I’ve lent out cars in the past and almost always regretted it because the car always came back in a different condition than I lent it in. This is what rental car companies are for.

She Said: Shawn’s points are all good, but I’m sure you feel bad about saying “no,” otherwise you wouldn’t be asking. I would say yes to family and super close friends. But if they drive a jalopy and have a reputation for being a bad driver, I’d say no, regardless. And if they ask why, you simply point to their car and shrug. Now, if your friend drives a really cute sports car, and you’d like to suggest a trade, well then I think we have a solution.

Robin Fahr is a communications specialist and co-host with Shawn Shizzo on Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online at trivalleytv.org. You can also catch He Said/She Said on TheTalkPod.com. Send your questions to AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

He Said/She Said with Robin and Shawn

January 5, 2016 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear HSSS,
My girlfriend refused to travel with me to visit my family on the East Coast over the holidays. She claimed she doesn’t like the cold and didn’t think it was imperative to meet my family at this time. We have been dating for 18 months, and I’ve already met her family several times. Is this a sign?
Overreacting (?) in Lafayette

He Said: Yes, this is a bad sign. Just because your girlfriend hasn’t put a billboard up downtown doesn’t mean she’s not sending you a sign. Have you noticed any changes in her attitude toward you in the past few weeks? Let me translate: Chances are, your girlfriend has probably checked out of this relationship somewhat and doesn’t care enough to take all the other baggage that comes along with you. Unfortunately, family is baggage and usually when a significant other meets family, that’s when the relationship gets real. For her, the only thing that’s real about this relationship is that it’s really over.

She Said: Ouch, Shawn! But from a woman’s perspective, I have to admit that meeting family is a big deal. If she wanted to move the relationship forward, meeting your family would be important to her after 18 months. If you’re okay with just dating, no problem, but if you thought this was going somewhere, I’m afraid the sign is “Dead End.” Oh, and by the way, it just wasn’t that cold on the East Coast this year!

Dear HSSS,
My boyfriend recently got a second job working in a strip club. His friend got him the job, and he makes great money, but I don’t agree with him being in this environment. Is it right for me to give him an ultimatum to either quit this job or I’ll break up with him?
Second job or me in Dublin

He Said: I normally don’t recommend ultimatums in a relationship but then I normally don’t recommend that guys work in a strip club when they’re in a relationship either. So yes it’s definitely ultimatum time. And no you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Based on his job selection, it sounds like your boyfriend lacks common sense. So be prepared for him to try to spin this as his golden opportunity to make great $$$ and get ahead in life. Simply let him know that you didn’t sign up for this and that he’ll no longer have a girlfriend to spend this $$$ on if he keeps working there. But you have to follow through on your promise to break up with him if he keeps this job because if you don’t, you’ll soon be cheated on with a stripper.

She Said: I’m thinking you probably wouldn’t have started dating this guy had he been working at a strip club when you met him, am I right? Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me too, but let’s give the guy the benefit of the doubt and start a real conversation. Tell him you’re uncomfortable with his choice to work there and that you’d really like him to find another second job that isn’t so relationship threatening. If he refuses to see your side of this and accuses you of being ridiculous or jealous, it’s time to go, because this won’t be the last time he makes a unilateral decision that affects the relationship.

Robin Fahr is a public relations specialist and host of Conversations, seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online at www.trivalleytv.org. Shawn and Robin can be heard on He Said/She Said on The Talk Pod, www.thetalkpod.com. Send your questions to www.AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

He Said/She Said with Robin and Shawn

November 4, 2015 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear HSSS,
My husband has a rather big personality and has always spoken his mind, but lately he’s gone overboard. He has an opinion on everything and doesn’t hesitate to make it known. A family member mentioned that she was bothered by a comment my husband made at a recent family gathering. How can I get him to zip his lip? ~ Laura in Pleasanton

He Said: Chances are your husband doesn’t even have a clue that he’s offended someone or that he rubs people the wrong way with his commentary. Most people that like to hear the sound of their own voice mistakenly think that everyone else likes it too. I would simply mention to him that you’ve been told by several people that he crosses the line from time to time. Don’t make too big of a deal out of it, but just kindly let him know that most people can’t handle his off-color remarks and that he should do a better job of reading the room the next time he decides to tell people how he really feels. And reassure him that you love him for who he is, because what’s worse than a big personality? No personality at all.

She Said: Ah yes, the infamous KIA (Know-It-All). We’ve all known or been married to one of those—and the older they get, the more holes in the filter! They don’t know they’re doing it, so here’s what you do: in a quiet moment, when things are going smoothly, let him know that as much as you adore his effervescence, it can be a bit much sometimes. You know it’s not intentional, so when you notice it’s going a bit far, you will let him know by placing your hand on his arm and pressing gently, as your own personal secret code that he may want to dial it back a bit. My friend does this with her husband and it works like a charm, especially when she rewards his good behavior after everyone’s gone home!

Dear SSHS,
I am a16-year-old girl whose parents divorced eight years ago. I spend equal time with both of them, but my dad had to move out of our old neighborhood, so when I spend time with him, I feel really removed from my friends and my old life. We can’t afford to get me a car, and I hate to keep asking my dad to drive me around when I’m with him on his weekends. What should I do? ~ Bored in Orinda

She Said: I know there are rules about new drivers not being able to drive their friends around, so I sympathize with your dilemma. Divorce is tough on kids! How about talking to your dad about getting you a driving app, like Uber or Lyft? I use them all the time and am always pleased with the service. As long as you learn how to use them properly (try and refrain from using them at peak times) and don’t abuse the privilege, he might be really grateful to not have to taxi you around.

He Said: I was always taught that if you can’t afford something, then change your situation so that you can afford it. In other words, get a job so you can get that car! And Robin has a great idea with the driving apps like Uber or Lyft, but how about having your friends visit you when you’re with your dad? And there’s nothing wrong with spending some time away from your friends too. With all the technology nowadays, are you really ever that far from any of your friends at any given time? Just remember, your true friends aren’t going anywhere when you’re gone and I’m sure your dad wants to spend some time with you too.

Robin Fahr is a public relations specialist and co-host with Shawn Shizzo on Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online at www.trivalleytv.org. You can also catch He Said/She Said on TheTalkPod.com. Send your questions to www.AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

He Said/She Said with Robin and Shawn

October 4, 2015 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear HSSS,
I woke up the other day to an email from a friend I’ve known for 25 years. She said she no longer feels our friendship is beneficial and that, in essence, she is breaking up with me! She was never a great friend, more a taker than a giver, but my ego’s a little bruised. What do you make of this and should I respond?
~ Jane in Danville

He Said: With friends likes this, who needs enemies! First off, what kind of person does this? This is just plain weird and I think she’s telling you this to get some kind of reaction out of you. That being said, no, you should not respond. Unspoken words are so much louder in a situation like this. Your “friend” will go nuts trying to figure out why you didn’t respond and in the end, you’ll come out the winner. And if you absolutely feel the need to say something to this person, you should thank them and wish them the best. Doesn’t sound like she was much of a friend, and I’m sure you won’t even notice she’s gone.

She Said: I’m kind of impressed. Haven’t we all wanted to do this? Unfriending people is easy on Facebook, but directly? I’d have been even more impressed if she’d done it over lunch and then picked up the tab. You admit she was more a liability than a true friend, so let’s just be glad the trouble is over. Real friends stick with each other through thick and thin, so put the extra time you now have into those who deserve it. Respond if you want to, short and kind with honest understanding sprinkled in. Resist the need to engage. Onward and upward.

Dear SSHS,

My daughter is in her third year of college and has already gotten herself into financial trouble. Last year she was able to get a credit card and has already maxed it out and is no longer making payments because she doesn’t have a job right now. Should I help her out or let her get through this on her own?

She Said: As a fellow mom, I know the temptation of wanting to save our kids from themselves. We don’t want them to fall too far, lest they mess up their futures. But this is one that’s going to take a little love and logic to prevent her from doing it again. Advice, yes. Help, no. Advise her to call the credit card company and negotiate a lower rate. She’s going to need to get a job, which will cut into her social time, but again, we’re trying to teach a lesson. Help her set up a budget for how much she has to pay each month to get the balance down. It should hurt a little. There will be no more new shoes for a while. She’ll thank you later when it’s time to buy something really big, like a house or a car.

He Said: Bottom line is that your daughter got herself into this mess, therefore she can get herself out. And you should view this is as the perfect opportunity to teach your daughter one of life’s most important lessons about financial responsibility. Whatever you do, don’t let her off the hook, and don’t give her a single cent to pay off her debt. Tell her to get a part time job or even sell some of the stuff she bought with that credit card and she’ll have it paid off in no time. Just keep in mind that if you help her now, she’ll forever think of you as that piggy bank to turn to whenever she has money troubles.

Robin Fahr is a public relations specialist and co-host with Shawn Shizzo on Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online at www.trivalleytv.org. You can also catch He Said/She Said on TheTalkPod.com. Send your questions to www.AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

He Said/She Said with Robin and Shawn

September 10, 2015 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear SSHS,
How do I let my dear friend know that her dog is not welcome at our parties? She claims he cannot be left at home for various reasons and is known to sneak him into all sorts of places where dogs aren’t allowed, because she sees him as her child. I love dogs as much as the next person, but they are not appropriate at every situation, and frankly, hers is not very well behaved. —Cat Lady, Pleasant Hill

She Said: I’m afraid your friend has forgotten the single most important social rule about dog ownership: like children, they don’t need to attend every event. In fact, some people are allergic to them (dogs, not kids, although that’s debatable). It’s rude that she’s bringing him to your parties, so you needn’t feel bad about being direct and saying, “As much as we enjoy seeing your little precious, I’m afraid if we invite him to our parties then everyone else will assume they can bring their dogs, and we’re just not having a dog party.” And one more thing for the dog owners out there: if your dog’s name isn’t on the invitation, don’t ask if he can come. It puts the hostess in an awkward position.

He Said: Here’s a simple solution to your problem…stop inviting your friend to your parties and she’ll get the hint. I wouldn’t make any special exceptions for her or any other guest. It really bothers me when people try to insert their pets into social situations. I have a dog and I love my dog, but I know that not everyone else LOVES my dog. I was recently at a party where someone allowed their teenage daughter to bring her dog and it was very awkward. She cradled that dog all night long by herself while the other kids her age were socializing and getting to know each other. Parties are for socializing, and a dog at a party is usually an unhealthy distraction.

Dear HSSS,
I’m fresh on the market after a 30-year marriage. I’m having a blast dating all sorts of men, and I have no desire to settle down at this point. Friends seem to think this is unbecoming to a woman my age, but I don’t see anything wrong with it, do you? —Playing the Field in Suburbia

He Said: Sounds like your friends are a bit envious of your new found freedom. Good for you that you’re getting out there and living your life but bad for you that you’re dating every guy in town and people know about it. Have your fun, but keep it discreet, and remember to be safe at the same time. Treat the guys you’re meeting with respect and don’t break any hearts in the process. You might be just looking for a fling but some of the guys could be looking for Ms. Right. And keep in mind, nobody likes a serial dater.

She Said: Well, I don’t see anything wrong with it as long as you’re being upfront with the guys and letting them know you’re just there for fun and not a LTR. That’s why they call it dating! I think your friends might be a little jealous, so perhaps they’ll be a little less concerned if you introduce them to the guys who don’t work out for you. Share the wealth.

Robin Fahr is a public relations specialist and co-host with Shawn Shizzo on Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online at trivalleytv.org. You can also catch He Said/She Said on TheTalkPod.com. Send your questions to AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

He Said/She Said with Robin and Shawn

July 31, 2015 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear SSHS,
Friends of ours are divorcing and my husband and I are having trouble navigating the sticky terrain of maintaining our friendship with both of them. She and I were friends first and then we introduced our husbands who really like each other. Now I worry about offending my friend when we have her ex-husband and his new girlfriend over. What’s the protocol? — BFF, Walnut Creek

She Said: This is a sticky situation, but one we’re seeing more and more. On the one hand, why do you have to invite the new couple over at all when you know it will hurt your friend’s feelings? Let the guys get together when they want to see each other. Your friend may be feeling displaced, and we girls gotta stick together. On the other hand, things change and it’s always good to cultivate new friendships. Just make sure you’re not announcing that you’re entertaining the new couple, and certainly don’t share what a good time you had. And absolutely never tell your friend how much she’d like the new woman. She would not.

He Said: To quote the great American philosopher Rodney King, “Why can’t we all just get along?” I never quite understood why divorces have to extend beyond the two people getting divorced. Good friendships are difficult to come by nowadays and usually take years to cultivate, so they shouldn’t be thrown away because your friend and her husband are no longer together. That being said, I agree with Robin that your husband should continue to stay friends with the ex and you should stay loyal to your friend. Don’t befriend the “new woman” and if you do, realize that it will come at the cost of alienating your friend, and you can’t blame her one bit for being upset with you.

Dear HSSS,
What is the best way to introduce people to my significant other at parties or business conferences? We are not married, but introducing him as my boyfriend sounds ridiculous at my age.

— Label-less, Lafayette

She Said: How about, “Hi everyone, I’d like you to meet _____” (fill in blank with his name). Why do we feel the need to make everyone else comfortable by identifying our relationships? If you really need something, you could say “partner” or if you’re in a committed relationship, I suppose you could say fiancé, but that could bring up even more unwanted questions. Just say his name – leave ‘em guessing.

He Said: If you really think that introducing someone as your boyfriend is ridiculous at your age, then you shouldn’t be dating this person. It’s your own insecurities that are driving you to feel self-conscious about having a boyfriend at your age. I would enjoy the fact that you found someone to spend time with and don’t worry so much about the label. If you are truly happy with your relationship choices, then it won’t matter if you call him your boyfriend, partner, friend, roommate, etc. But if you’re unsure of whether you are boyfriend and girlfriend to begin with, then that’s a whole different topic we should discuss.

Robin Fahr is a public relations specialist and co-host with Shawn Shizzo on Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online at trivalleytv.org. You can also catch He Said/She Said on The Talk Pod. Send your questions to www.AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

He Said She Said with Robin and Shawn

July 3, 2015 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear HSSS,
My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago. It’s probably for the best because we’re both going away to college, but I’m really having trouble getting over it, and I cry all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to feel happy again. Help!
Heartbroken in Danville

He Said: Of course you’ll feel happy again! Just remember you broke up for a reason, and I’m sure it wasn’t just because you’re going off to different colleges. Everyone’s been in your shoes and it’s not until you feel this punched-in-the-gut feeling that you realize what love and emotions are truly all about. It’s okay to cry your heart out, but just make sure you get it all out over summer and start fresh at your new school next fall. You’ll meet more boys than you can imagine in college, and I’m sure this time next year you’ll barely remember your ex.

She Said: If this is your first break-up, then welcome to the human race. You know you’re really alive when this happens the first time, and let me assure you, what you’re feeling is universal. It feels like you’re going to die, doesn’t it? But you won’t. You’re right that this was probably inevitable, given where you are in life, but I’m sure you were looking forward to your last summer together. My advice is to give yourself appropriate grieving time, then call your friends, make plans, distract yourself, meet new people, do whatever it is you have to do to move forward. You will be happy again, but it takes time.

Dear HSSS,
My son did not get in to any colleges he applied to, so he’s decided to take a gap year and gain some work experience rather than go to the local JC. It’s so frustrating when well-meaning people ask him where he’s going to school in the fall. We need a snappy come-back.
Catherine, Walnut Creek

She Said: The best way to ask this question, for the well-meaning folks who are interested in what’s next, would be for them to ask your son what his plans are now that he’s graduated from high school. But people are programmed to think everyone’s going to college right off the bat, so forgive them. Rather than snappy, I’d try the enlightened route. “John” has decided to enroll in the school of life for a year and defer his education to next year when he’ll have a little more experience under his belt and money in his pocket. We’ll keep you posted.

He Said: There’s nothing wrong with giving a straight answer to that question. You or your son shouldn’t be embarrassed that he’s not going off to college as long as he has some kind of plan. What are his plans after his “gap year?” Once he knows this, he can answer anyone who asks with confidence. However, last I checked, it’s not any easier to get into a university after taking a year off school. If he really does plan on going to college, make sure you stay on him and remind him of his long term goals. Life doesn’t get any easier going into the workforce straight out of high school.

Robin Fahr is a public relations specialist and co-host with Shawn Shizzo on Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online at trivalleytv.org. You can also catch He Said/She Said on The Talk Pod. Send your questions to www.AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

He Said/She Said with Robin and Shawn

June 3, 2015 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear SSHS,
How quickly after a child leaves for college can you turn her bedroom into another purpose room? My stepdaughter is flying the coop in August and I could really use the space for my home business.
–Kitchen Table Kathy

She Said: There’s a little word in your question that changes everything: stepdaughter. You have to be way more careful than if this was your birth daughter, otherwise it will look like you’re trying to get rid of her, and step- relationships are tricky enough. Discuss this with her dad, and once you’ve come to an agreement, let him do the telling. My rule of thumb has always been, at least let them come home at Christmas to the way things were, then come January, make her old room a shared space between office/guestroom.

He Said: Your stepdaughter has probably spent a lot of time in that room over the course of her childhood and probably considers it her sanctuary or safe place. Be VERY CAREFUL when you decide to invade her safe space and take it away from her. I would suggest you wait at least until she’s finished her first year of college and you get the feel that she is definitely not coming back home anytime soon. After that, be sure you’re not making the decision to change her room unilaterally and that her father is very much involved in the process.

Dear HSSS,
Last month you responded to a question regarding grown men wearing Speedo’s and you both agreed it was a no-no. But what about grown women in skimpy bikinis? Seems there’s a double standard here. –Playing fair in Pleasant Hill

She Said: Oh, we got a lot of blowback from that one. Most agreed with the Speedo rule, but then wondered if we’d be so adamant about the ladies and their swimwear. Is somebody complaining about scantily dressed women at pool parties? When I was a teen, the only complaints I heard were from the ample bodied middle-aged women who were jealous that we young things were getting too much attention! That said, there is a double standard. Victoria Secret, Sports Illustrated, Beyonce at the SuperBowl…you’re right, we’d never allow guys to wear so little and show so much on primetime.

He Said: Here’s my rule when it comes to “grown women” in skimpy bikinis – if they look good, then be my guest! Seriously, who wants to see anyone young or old wearing something skimpy if they don’t look good? There shouldn’t be an age restriction on feeling and looking ones best, but there are some simple rules. 1) Wear age appropriate attire around family and children. 2) If your body fat drapes over and covers up any part of the clothing, then don’t reveal it . 3) If in doubt, get a second opinion because there’s nothing worse than thinking you look better in something than you really do.

Robin Fahr is a public relations specialist and co-host with Shawn Shizzo on Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online attrivalleytv.org. You can also catch He Said/She Said on TheTalkPod.com. Send your questions to AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

He Said/She Said with Robin and Shawn

May 5, 2015 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear SSHS,
My girlfriend has put on a little weight since we started dating, and I find her less attractive now. Should I let her know my feelings or just pretend I don’t notice? — DD, Orinda

She Said: Well you can let her know, but don’t be surprised if she then finds you less attractive. I know I wouldn’t want to stay with someone so superficial. Take a look at yourself. Are you worried that her gaining a few pounds is some sort of reflection on you? Does the way she looks affect the way you see yourself? If it’s a matter of a few extra pounds, I say keep it to yourself and try and figure out what’s going on with you. If her weight gain becomes more than normal fluctuation and she’s no longer able to do the things you used to do together, then let her know you miss doing those things and ask how you can help her to restore a healthier lifestyle.

He Said: If it’s just a few pounds then what’s the worry? But if it’s more than that and you’re genuinely less attracted to her now, then you owe it to yourself and to her to bring it up. However, be subtle in your approach because trust me, she has noticed the weight gain long before you ever did. Be polite and sensitive and ask if she wants to lose the “extra” weight and if she does then put together a healthy eating and exercise plan and participate with her. If she doesn’t want to lose the weight and it’s more of an issue for you, then I agree 100% with Robin and think there’s a bigger issue here than just a bigger-than-before girlfriend. Because when you really love someone, a few extra pounds shouldn’t make you love them any less.

Dear HSSS,
My husband and I love to host pool parties at our house in the summer. Every year we fight about the same thing, and with our girls getting older, we need to settle this one, once and for all. Is it appropriate for a grown man to wear a Speedo? — Blushing Sister-in-Law

She Said: Oh, I get it…Uncle John loves to make a splash and thinks he hasn’t changed a bit since his days on the high school swim team, right? Unless it’s the workout pool, I believe a Speedo on a man over the age of 18, is not only inappropriate but generally unattractive. My French friends may disagree, but a family pool party is no place for such revealing swimwear, and frankly, unless you have the perfect 6-pack, it looks ridiculous.

He Said: Let me keep this as simple as possible….A Speedo is a No-No. A child, teen, man, or old-timer should NEVER EVER be caught wearing a Speedo unless, of course, he is the next great Olympic swim champ. A man should never bear that much leg to the public, ever! And let me take this one step further, if a man has other anatomy that resembles that of a woman’s upper body, then that should really be covered too. Please spare yourself and us the embarrassment.

Robin Fahr is a public relations specialist and co-host with Shawn Shizzo on Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online at trivalleytv.org. You can also catch He Said/She Said on TheTalkPod.com. and The Talk Pod iPhone and iPad Apps. Send your questions to AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

He Said / She Said with Robin and Shawn

April 9, 2015 by Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian Leave a Comment

Dear HSSS,
I saw a good friend’s husband out with another woman. It sure didn’t look like business and it definitely didn’t look like family. He did not see me. Should I go to my friend with this information, or should I mind my own business?
~ TMI in Danville

He Said: From a man’s perspective, I just want to be sure you aren’t making a mountain out of a molehill. So, did you see anything inappropriate, or is this just a hunch? If it’s just a hunch then absolutely MYOB. If there’s more to it, then you should first bring it up to the husband and see if he can offer an explanation. If he admits to something or has a bogus explanation, then you owe it to your friend to tell her everything you know, guide her through the discovery process and be there as her rock for whatever she needs.

She Said: Old school would say MYOB, but we’ve graduated and it’s time for an advanced degree. If you’re sure of what you saw, go directly to the husband and tell him either he can tell his wife or you will. That should do it. But, if you do end up being the messenger, break it to your friend gently. Tell her what you saw and then offer to drive as the two of you stealthily follow him next time he has to “head back to the office” after hours. Best to rip the band-aid off quickly but circle the wagons for a lot of emotional support.

Dear SSHS,
We just built our dream cabin in Tahoe. It sleeps 16 comfortably, so not surprisingly, we’re hosting many friends. I love entertaining, but it takes a lot of work to prepare the place for guests and even more work after they all go home. Any thoughts on how I might make this as much fun for me as it is for them?
~ Exhausted in Pleasanton

She Said: Time for a little lesson in “house rules.” When everyone’s seated at your beautiful table, enjoying the delicious meal you undoubtedly prepared the evening of their arrival, simply bring up the fact that you are so glad everyone’s here and to ensure a good time is had by all, you’ll need the following: All guests strip their beds the morning of departure, put sheets and used towels in the washer, remake their bed with the second set of sheets in each closet, and return the freshly washed and folded sheets to closet backup position and towels to linen cupboards. Non-participants are not invited back.

He Said: Personally, I think hosting guests is more work than payoff, but if it’s something you enjoy, then let’s add the food ground rules. Guests staying for more than one night should help out with meal costs and prep. A good rule of thumb is to bring enough food and drink for everyone in the cabin for at least one or two full meals, so assign these meals to your guests well in advance. Cleanup afterwards should involve everyone who partook of the meal, bringing the kitchen back to pre-meal condition. Using biodegradable paper plates makes cleanup a whole lot easier too! Advance notice of cabin requirements is totally appropriate and will be appreciated by those who want to enjoy your place but just need a little guidance.