Have you ever applied for a job that you had no education or training in? You probably wouldn’t even consider it, right? But almost all of us do it every day. In fact, we sign up for a lifelong job, requiring a nearly 24-hour-round-the-clock commitment, with little-to-no back-up support, nor any formal schooling, internships, or experience. Kind of sounds ridiculous when it’s put in those terms, but that is often what parenting feels like.
Parenting relies on something that we all have within us, at varying levels, regardless of training or experience, and that is love. Hopefully you know that feeling I’m talking about – when you hold your baby in your arms for the very first time and there is an overwhelmingly strong emotional feeling that is like nothing else you’ve experienced. But that love isn’t the only tool needed in your parenting toolbox.
I remember taking classes when I was pregnant teaching me “what to expect since I was expecting.” But I always thought it was a bit funny that there were endless pregnancy and birthing classes, but hardly any parenting classes. I found this ironic because regardless of my pregnancy plan, there was one certain fact: the baby was inside, and then it’d come out. Women have been having babies for thousands of years without birthing plans, however the offerings for classes of what to do beyond swaddling, sleep training and potty training were far less prevalent. I did have my intuition. And I did have my mom, a great role model, to rely on. But what if you aren’t born with natural instincts? Or what if the children you have are different than you and your siblings, so your parent’s style may not help in this situation. Or possibly you didn’t like your parent’s style and didn’t want to emulate it. Then how do you really learn about effective parenting?
Sure, we have friends to talk to, self-help books, pediatricians and of course our intense love we have for our child. But in an era of pressure to succeed at everything, those resources may not always see us through the difficult moments of parenting (especially the ones we are too embarrassed to share) that catch us by surprise, frustrate us (and our kids!) or help us to cope with the countless uncertainties that can arise. Nor can we be fully prepared for challenging discipline situations, unforeseen circumstances such as special needs or disability, or simply how to manage the day-to-day, in-and-out routine of making lunches, carpooling, homework struggles, after-school activities, bedtime routines, puberty, peer-influence, and prepping for life after they graduate high school.
And so, if we found ourselves in a job that we weren’t feeling confident in, despite loving it and going through trial-and-error, we might choose to reach out for some additional support and training.
As a full-time stay-at-home mom for the first full eight years of my daughters’ lives, I took to my role with great passion. And while I had already had a Master’s in Counseling Psychology, which provided me with an educational framework of understanding child development, emotional awareness and increased communication skills, my love of parenting and love of my children didn’t always make me as qualified as I would have liked. So, I began to dig deeper into tools that would help make me the best mother to my children.
I discovered mindfulness and soon thereafter discovered mindful parenting. Mindfulness is the practice of being in the present moment, and living your life with greater awareness, attention, and intention. Mindful parenting is then extending greater awareness to responding, not reacting, parenting to the child you actually have and not the one you thought or wished you had, how to recognize how to role model the very behaviors you wish to see in your child, and much, much more. Once I started practicing mindful parenting, the whole culture shifted in my home. This isn’t to say I no longer got annoyed or frustrated, or that my kids all of a sudden never acted out; it simply meant I was more aware of my words, thoughts and emotions and was more skillful in how I communicated with my girls, including giving effective discipline. It was a process of honoring their sovereignty and recognizing that I don’t “own” them; I am simply here to guide them. Easier said than done, but that’s why it’s called a practice.
If any of this resonates with you and you’d like an opportunity to fine-tune those parenting skills and practice how to parent with greater awareness, presence, and compassion, then you’re in luck! I’m offering a mindful parenting workshop on Sunday January 29, from 1-5 at The Bay Area Mindfulness and Therapy Center. Contact me at joree@comcast.net or check out my website for more info: www.mindfulnessandtherapycenter.com. Space is limited and pre-registration is required.
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