Poor accommodations can ruin a vacation!
With the school year just about over, a lot of us are making summer vacation plans. Regardless if your travel plan is a visit with family and friends, or the itinerary includes an on-the-go sightseeing adventure or a relaxing destination vacation, you’ll undoubtedly need overnight accommodations. It makes no difference if you travel by plane, train or automobile and end up at the beach, desert, big city or the mountains, where you stay is almost as important as where you go.
I have had more than my share of bad hotel, motel, lodge, inn and resort experiences while traveling. I’ve stayed in places where serial killers wouldn’t leave their victims. I’ve slept in rooms where CSI crime scene technicians refused to go. I swam in a pool that was once a septic tank. I’ve eaten my free continental breakfast when the choices were broken waffle cones, decorated Easter eggs (in October) and expired powder milk. I’ve seen a maid using a leaf blower to clean a room, a desk clerk who was outfitted in a Haz-Mat suit, and ironically, I once had a one-legged bellhop. I’ve seen banquet rooms hosting everything from a Scientology recruitment drive to a support group meeting for cross dressing necrophiliac hoarders. Finally, I’ve wondered if those were actually loose Raisinettes left on my pillow and bedspread by the “turn-down” service. Come to think of it, they were a little saltier than most Goober chocolates.
When I once worked for a company that was a little the cheap side, they insisted all of their sales reps stay at national discount motel chain. When I first arrived, the valet parking lot attendant moved my car off-site and rented it out by the hour. The hotel restaurant doubled as a soup kitchen and the bare chested chef made the daily special in the Jacuzzi. The altar in the wedding chapel was equipped with a metal detector. Happy Hour in the hotel bar consisted of passing around a bottle of homemade bathtub wine wrapped in a brown paper bag. The workout room was fully equipped with a bent hula-hoop, chalk drawn Hop Scotch court and a set of Buns of Steele VHS tapes. I did appreciate that I got a complimentary penicillin shot at every third stay, but I hated that check out was done at gunpoint. I heard that the Cave Dwellers Association (“CWA”) rejected the hotel because the accommodations weren’t up to CWA standards. The Chamber of Commerce proudly listed the venue as the only hazardous waste drop-off site in a 230 mile radius with overnight accommodations.
Once a year, my buddies and I do an annual boys road trip to enjoy a weekend of golf and “Hall Pass” merriment. Over the years, we’ve stayed in some pretty sketchy boardinghouses. It’s a guy’s getaway so we’re not looking for couples massages and sunset terraces, but I’m pretty sure a few of the places we’ve stayed were on the verge of being condemned.
As we pulled into the parking lot last year, which resembled a bombed-out Syrian airport runway, the crime scene tape was still up blocking our way into the syringe-littered lobby. We did appreciate that the concierge, who also handled room service, mani/pedi spa treatments and landscape maintenance, asked if we wanted to purchase a MMP card. The phone in our room had the Suicide Prevention Center on speed dial. The pool was a popular pet-washing destination until someone’s lizard died from a bacterial infection. I understand that the check cashing bodega/adult bookstore/coin laundry down the street frequently complained that the motel guests brought down the image of the neighborhood and I’ll admit many of the other patrons could easily have passed for squatters. At least they had Wi-Fi. The password was… SaveMe.
The worst of my hotel stays may have been on my honeymoon. My worries began when I noticed that the sundry shop was stocked with bug bombs and rattraps. It wasn’t so bad that our room had bunk beds, but we were disappointed that another couple had already claimed the bottom bed. Boy, were they noisy. We were hoping we might be upgraded to a room with carpeting or at the very least drapes, but no such luck.
We found the gardener’s severed finger in the ice machine, the vending machines sold ammunition and our wake-up call was the manager’s wife leaning on her car horn. It resembled a youth hostel without all the warmth and amenities. The black-light AP on my phone made it abundantly clear that the room had at one time been used as a porn set. Our first clue should have been the brochure that suggested visitors bring their own soap, shampoo and fly swatter.
Often times, bed & breakfast establishments aren’t any better. For our anniversary, we stayed at a B&B near the Delta and the sign at the entrance proudly stated, #1 Destination for Conjugal Visits. The maid was attempting to change the sheets in our room when we arrived, but she had trouble prying them apart. The mini-bar consisted of a glass of tap water and a few opened bags of airline peanuts. The complimentary happy hour offered a choice of either hillbilly moonshine or a nice Bartles & James wine cooler from 1982-84, however the plastic glasses all had lipstick stains. The adult movie selection turned out to be hidden cameras set up in the adjoining rooms. While it was pet-friendly, most of the dogs chose to sleep in the car after seeing the raccoon gang hanging out next to the kitchen dumpsters. The good news was there were plenty of those salty Raisinettes virtually everywhere.
I’m quite certain there are those of you reading this article who are non-believers. Those who think I’m making this all up for the sake of another hilariously funny, laugh out loud/can’t put down humor lifestyle magazine article. To that I say, “What?” Much like the Extended Limited Express security guard said, aka homeless guy who offered to watch ourshi…..stuff while we waited for our handi-capable van ride back to the airport, “I may not have much, but I have my integrity (and a 24 oz. can of Schlitz Malt Liquor in his case).” If you can’t afford to stay at the Ritz Carlton, Four Seasons or Fairmont, a word to the wise would be to do your due diligence when it comes to where you’ll be staying. Otherwise, you might just be setting your self up for a visit to Hotel Hell.
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