My readers should be proud of me, because if you’ll recall from my January article (2011) one of my New Year’s resolutions was to further my education with an advanced degree from a reputable college. With that laser-focused goal in mind, last fall in enrolled in the San Francisco Comedy College. I’m proud to announce that I recently finished all my coursework, took my final exams, and earned my graduate degree in humorous magazine writing, with an emphasis in satire and whimsy. Graduation was a magical day for me and my family. At the commencement ceremony, I even adhered to the school tradition of going commando under my cap and gown. It was secretly liberating until those crazy alumni turned up the wind machines leaving the graduating class holding more than just our diplomas.
Do you want to know what they call the guy who finishes last in his comedy college class? Loser! I bet you thought the answer to that question was going to be more like the medical school question, where the guy who finishes last in his medical class is still called doctor, right? So did I! Apparently, Comedy College is a lot more judgmental than Doctor College.
I should have known that Comedy College was no picnic when right away I had trouble securing housing. Yea, because I got a late start, all the good dorms were full. Chucklehead Hall, Giggles Quarters, Cockoo Commons and even Griffendorks were all booked solid. I ended up living at a Holiday Inn Express where my roommates were a couple of meth heads and some guy in the witness protection program. I didn’t know you could get any more economical than a regular Holiday Inn, but the HI Express dorms would prove otherwise. I’m pretty sure I saw a dead clown floating in the pool.
Hoping to meet a few fellow students, I decided to rush a fraternity at the start of the semester. Again, bad choice. Those fraternity funny boys love to haze the freshmen and my Facebook page is now forever ruined thanks to those embarrassing rush party photos. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a real Emu. The upper classmen thought it was hilarious to put Super Glue in the Purell bottles, lock in our music apps to Celine Dion and at the “It Depends” social night of drinking we had only one bathroom option… and we were wearing it. The lone house to extend me an initiation bid was Alpha Beta Poo. Our ABP crest is a poop emoji in a shopping cart.
Classes were tough, but I persevered thanks to my tutor, comedy writer and stand-up comic Tony Camin. Tony charged me $112/hour, which is roughly twice as much as he makes headlining at most comedy clubs. That said, his homework insights and test taking advice was crucial to my academic success. For my senior project, I wrote a paper entitled GOT, the comedy. It was a tale of how beheadings, dragons and Incest could have been played for laughs, making the HBO series, Game of Thrones, a sitcom. It got an F-, but at Comedy College that was a good grade. I think?
Our college didn’t have a big sports program. Instead of football, basketball and baseball, we had marbles, curling and corn-hole. We didn’t offer athletic scholarships because we competed in the WAC – Western Athletic-less Conference. Our big-game rallies and bonfires were done online to reduce our carbon footprint and because no one would probably come anyway. Our Comedy College mascot is the cougar. Not the mountain lion big cat, but an older woman pursuing a younger man type of cougar.
Our grad night was held at Tommy T’s Comedy Club in Pleasanton where, after watching an entertaining show featuring SFCC alumni, David Vanavermaete, my fellow grads and I, took turns on stage singing karaoke until the wee hours of the morning. My “go-to” song that night was Electric Lady by Con Funk Shun. I still can’t remember how I got home or where I left my pants.
My undergrad college experience might have been a lot more enjoyable and memorable, but I’m glad I fulfilled my lifelong goal—even if my diploma is printed on the back of a Chick-fil-a napkin.
Comedy College isn’t for everyone, but I will proudly wear my grad school SFCC Cougars apparel at the next business networking event I attend for Alive Magazine.
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