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Dear HSSS,
My 17-year-old daughter got a texting-while-driving ticket. I swear she always has that cell phone in her hand, and I’m afraid someday she’s going to get into more trouble than just a ticket. I want to make sure the message gets through and that she learns a real lesson from this. What are your suggestions on driving the point home? ~Susanna in Pleasanton

He Said: By now everyone knows that texting while driving is waaay wrong so your teenage daughter can’t use ignorance in her defense. She endangered her life and the lives of others on the road, so in this situation there’s only one sure-fire way to drive the point home with your teenager…. temporarily take away either her car or her cell phone. I recommend taking away her driving privileges because if you take away her phone, she can easily get a new one without your knowledge. About 3-4 weeks should do it, and let her know if this happens again, the car disappears for a year.

She Said: Man, that’s harsh, Shawn, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and we don’t want to wait for something worse to happen before taking it seriously. However, if zero tolerance isn’t your parenting style, Susanna, then start with making your daughter pay the ticket, of course, and then imposing the phone check rule every time she uses the car. You’re looking for the time stamp, which may indicate if she was texting while driving. Do it regularly at first, then without notice now and again. It’s a hassle for everyone, but the inconvenience should break this dangerous habit.

Dear SSHS,
I’ve realized that one of my best friends has turned into a “fair weather friend.” He only calls me when he needs something but doesn’t pick up the phone or return messages when I call him, even if it’s just to say hello. We’ve been great friends for 15 years, but now I feel the friendship is going down a one-way street. What’s the best way to let him know this friendship is no longer working for me?
~Darren in Dublin

She Said: I hear your pain, but let’s not be hasty. You’ve been friends a long time, and those relationships can be hard to find. Your buddy may have no idea how insensitive he’s being. A good friend will tell him, and the best way to begin is by making the problem yours rather than accusing him of wrongdoing. Explain that you feel bad when he only calls for a favor and that it hurts when he doesn’t return your calls. Then ask if he was aware this was happening? If not, and he apologizes and aims to fix it, that would be better than abandoning the friendship. If he really doesn’t seem to care about the one-way street, then maybe it is time to let it go.

He Said: Welcome to the club, Darren. We’ve all had a friend like this in our lives, one who doesn’t value the friendship the same as the other. These people can feel like a cancer, really weighing you down. Robin has a point that communicating your concerns is the first step to solving problems in any relationship, but I would keep this friend on a very short leash. If you’re still unsatisfied with the friendship once you’ve gotten to the bottom of the issue, it’s time to cut him loose. Friendships can run their course, and life’s way too short to waste driving down that one-way street.

Robin Fahr and Shawn Shizzo host Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30. Send your questions to www.AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.

Every day, 45 million Baby Boomers are taking care of their elderly parents. That’s a daunting statistic, especially when you consider most are holding down a job, caring for their own children, and completely unprepared for the stark realities of end of life issues. There are handbooks on what to expect when you’re expecting, but nobody wants to talk about what to expect when the roles are reversed – when the parent becomes the child – and it can happen so suddenly.

Stefania Shaffer, author of 9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind suddenly found herself a statistic when she received a phone call from her seemingly healthy, alert and buoyant mother, requesting that Stefania come for a long-overdue visit. By the end of the first weekend, it was evident Mom could no longer manage to be in her home by herself; the house was in ruins and so was Mom. It was enough to make Stefania uproot her own life to fulfill Mom’s wish to live out her years remaining in her own home. Shaffer imagined they would have fun until the end when she would go to sleep with a smile on her face. “Death is very clever,” says Shaffer, “and I should have been more creative in my thinking. It was five years from my arrival, when my mother died at my side.”

Like most sudden caregivers, Stefania didn’t know what she was agreeing to when she took on the job of caring for her elderly parent. If only someone had shared with her the realities this job would entail. In her second book, 9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent: A Love Story of a Different Kind, Stefania offers a playbook to prepare the adult child for each of the nine realities essential to managing this journey, from de-cluttering the family home to grief counseling for the adult orphan.

Although it tackles a difficult topic, the book is as entertaining as it is helpful, sharing the touching and often heart-wrenching anecdotes and invaluable lessons learned from a daughter caring for her mother as she approaches the end of her life. This surprisingly funny, compassionate, and daunting account of what to expect if you are the adult child coming home to care for your elderly parent is a step-by-step companion for all who find themselves in charge of a parent’s well-being, making it an essential playbook for the millions of baby boomers about to face the toughest challenge of their lives.

ALIVE Magazine: What were the thoughts that led you to share your experience caring for your elderly mother?

Stefania Shaffer: I could not escape the nagging feeling that I wished someone had sat me on a stool to share with me the realities of what goes into caring for an elderly person. There was a lot to manage even before my mother fell into decline. The constant worry of what if the next fall resulted in a head injury or a broken hip really made me aware of how fragile seniors can be. It never occurred to me I would be dealing with home repair issues typical for old houses, plus shuttling back and forth to doctor appointments, and more importantly, spending years sleuthing through 85 boxes in the garage to figure out where her assets were. I finally felt compelled to demystify what goes on behind the scenes of elder care so other Baby Boomers will know upfront what lies ahead.

AM: What were some of the most surprising realities you learned, aside from home repair?

SS: I learned that seniors are on rosters of rotating doctors that require nearly weekly appointments for some kind of check up. Whether it is for a hearing appointment, or bone density test, or blood work, or eye doctors, it is constant running, much like what I imagine moms do for kids with after school extra-curricular activities. I learned that a bed bound person requires diapering, something I hadn’t done since I was a babysitter for kids in our neighborhood thirty years earlier. I learned that without long-term health insurance, the night nurse duties fall to you. I also learned that not everyone wants to visit your elderly parent when they are sick because it is too painful—for the visitor. Some people expressed to me that they just wanted to remember my mom the way she was before her decline. But hearing is the last sense we lose before death, so patients know who has come to visit.

AM: What is the biggest problem that elders face, in your opinion?

SS: Elders who cannot see very well, or hear very well, or are unsteady in their balance are particularly vulnerable, but they can still feel fiercely independent, as my mom did. Ninety percent of elders in surveys through AARP research will say they want to remain in their own home, but if they do not see well enough to cook, or hear well enough to answer the door or telephone, it can be very isolating. It is also very taxing to maintain upkeep on a decades old home. A senior needs regular contact with someone who is laying eyes on the scene inside to determine what the senior is eating, what kind of condition they are living in, and what kind of personal care they need. A senior who no longer drives is even more reliant on a steady stream of supporters.

AM: How would one be able to determine if their parent is still safe in their own home?

SS: There are specific warning signs in a checklist from the Aging Solutions website with the top ten questions you need to know the answers to if you want your senior to be safe at home. Chief among them, does your elderly parent turn on the stove and walk away? My mom would take naps while pots sizzled and hissed melting upon burners hours later. Does your elderly parent know how to exit the house and return? Does she know how to make an emergency phone call? Is your elderly parent able to prepare meals? My mother was spoon-feeding herself from a jar of Ragu and calling that dinner. Does your parent look clean or is she wearing a threadbare robe with coffee splatters and Ragu drippings all up and down the front? These are things you will not know if you are long distance or not within those walls. There was a lot my mom was trying to hide from anyone who wanted to visit, so she would wait on the bench outside for her friends.

AM: What are the first steps to take as the adult child coming home to care for an elderly parent?

SS: Step 1: Check to see what legal documents are still not in order. The starter kit of four includes: an Advanced Health Care Directive, a Power of Attorney for Finances, a Will, and a Trust.

Step 2: Determine how safe the home is by looking for tripping hazards, sharp corners on tables in case an elderly parent falls down, and analyze the meal prep pattern and medicine routine. Is the elder able to see well enough to self-medicate or will he accidentally overdose because he can no longer read labels?

Step 3: Know where the assets are held. Many seniors hide money in the house. I wish that all of our assets had been in one place, with a tidy little bow around them. I would have avoided the scavenger hunt I endured for years gaining access to many different safe deposit boxes, and poring through two hundred empty cartons of checkbook boxes after the first one I un-lidded had fifty dollars tucked away.

AM: How did you share the role of caregiving with your siblings?

SS: I wish our family had even roles and worked out a schedule with alternating days of caregiving. I found that once my siblings got comfortable with the fact that I was there, they knew they didn’t have to be. Some families are able to really pull together in a crisis. My siblings were limited in what they could do, and fortunately, I suppose, they entrusted the job to me.

AM: What made you think you could do this job instead of putting your mother in assisted care?

SS: I had no idea what I was saying yes to. Looking back, no one says yes to Firefighting or Nursing or the ARMY without asking a few questions up front about what a typical day at work is like. I would have still said yes, but I would have known better what the job entailed. Organizing and planning has always been my strength, even from an early age when elementary teachers would allow me to help them after school.
I have also gained experience from tackling classrooms and donation centers that were dumpsites until I overhauled them by purging and reimagining a thoughtful staging space. I also knew my mother’s words were ringing in my ears from a lifetime of hearing, “If you put me in a home, that will be the surest way to get rid of me.” I wanted to fulfill her wish that she remain in her own home.

AM: Looking back, how did you manage day to day, not knowing how long the decline would last?

SS: The scariest part was wondering if she would outlast her money. I was so grateful to have the support of an incredible Hospice team and then my mom’s health took an upswing, which meant Hospice was preparing a temporary exit. This was my greatest fear because I had no idea how to care for a bedbound mother whose entire life’s goal was to die in her own home. My focus became to make sure she did not die alone. I became overanxious about following through on every idea I had to make her more comfortable. I never procrastinated because I never knew if today would be her last day. It got to the point where I was afraid to turn my back to go down the hall for fear she would be gone when I returned moments later.

AM: Your mother, in essence, became your child. What kind of mother would you be?

SS: I would have been a very nervous mother. Maybe this is how most first-time mothers are with newborns. From the beginning, my sense of urgency revolved around her falling and breaking a hip. Then my anxiety ramped up when warning signs began to appear for onset dementia; I did not know how I would be able to care for someone with Alzheimer’s. Then, trying to protect her from her horrible hallucinations that left her petrified made me cry because there was nothing I could do to help. In the end, I comforted her with reminders that she is home, she is safe, and I am here. It’s all I kept repeating to try and soothe her. I am so grateful I did it. It was my privilege. But, I don’t think I will ever again have the kind of energy required to give to someone else in that same way.

AM: What are you most grateful for after spending the last five years of your mother’s life together?

SS: I am so grateful I came home. We needed to mend a rift. I am so grateful I got to see all the qualities my father always said made him fall in love with her. I discovered her sense of humor and wish I was half as funny. Had I not come home, I never would have met the man who became my husband, whom she affectionately termed her “Son-in-Love.” Those years of our pairing were what built our bond as the Three Musketeers. I am so grateful I got my wish that she not die alone. I am so grateful I have no regrets.

AM: What would you say to a busy adult who is faced with the same prospect of moving back home?

SS: Get ready for the single hardest job you have ever known. It will be what Hospice nurses will liken to post-traumatic stress syndrome for war-torn soldiers who saw the worst of the battle from the frontlines. When you are the on-site caregiver, it is a completely different experience than being the relative who pops in from afar on occasion. Be prepared to take the brunt of family members’ emotions because death and money bring out the worst in family dynamics, even for families that are not fractured to begin with, like mine. If you are part of the “sandwich generation,” wherein you are simultaneously raising children at home while caring for an elderly parent, be prepared for marital strain, which is true for those of us who weren’t also taking care of children at home. Get organized. Preparation prevents regret. This will be your greatest privilege.
9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent is available on Amazon and at www.stefaniashaffer.com

It’s October and here we are again—the month when Halloween candy temptations are lurking around most every corner. Oi vey, if you’re like me, with a giant “sweet tooth” that dates back to early childhood, then this time of year can be really challenging. To avoid giving into sugar cravings (and gaining excess weight), how about you join me in gearing up with tools to help you OUTSMART unhealthy temptations?

So, instead of simply drumming your fingers trying to decide if you should visit the Halloween candy bowl…again… you might consider adding EFT “tapping” to your “self-care” tool kit. Now, in case you’ve not heard of it—or seen it featured on Dr. Oz’s website—EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique.

The good news is, EFT is a simple tool to learn, and for many people, this technique is a powerful way to reduce unhealthy food cravings (and stress). EFT consists of gentle fingertip tapping at specific places on the body that align with a person’s acupuncture meridian points. So, the acupuncture meridian points are stimulated without the use of needles.

To give you a bit of historical background, Stanford engineer Gary Craig developed EFT to assist people in reducing or clearing emotional pain and negativity that may have fueled their fears and self-destructive behaviors. Now, after teaching clients how to use EFT on themselves for the past ten years in my private practice—I must admit—I am a big fan of this tool. For this reason, I often teach EFT to people who want to release habits such as overeating, nail biting, or cigarette smoking.

For instance, I taught EFT to Carey (a thirty-year-old woman) whose medical doctor referred her to me after Carey’s weight escalated to an unhealthy level. During our first session, Carey confessed (while staring at the floor) that she’d been eating fast food—a super-sized cheeseburger, fries, and a shake—multiple times throughout her week (for the past several years). Then, most every evening after supper, she’d watch TV while nibbling foods…that were drenched in sugar, salt, and fat.

I explained to Carey that overeating high levels of sugar, salt, and fat can create addictive cycles. For example, former U.S. Food and Drug Administrator David Kessler, M.D., explains how foods high in sugar, salt, and fat alter the brain’s chemistry by creating a release of powerful chemicals, such as dopamine and natural pain-killing substances called opioids. Surprisingly, these are the very same chemicals that are released when people are addicted to alcohol, cigarette smoking, and drugs.

After Carey gained a clear “intellectual understanding” of why her unhealthy food cravings had gotten out of control, we addressed her junk-food addiction during three EFT sessions. Between sessions, Carey used EFT on her own. As a result, Carey was pleased to see her weight begin to go down, while her self-esteem…began to go up!

In addition to weight loss, when doctors or psychologists send referrals to me, I often teach my clients how to use EFT for the following personal challenges:

• Stress

• Anxiety & insomnia

• Public speaking fear • Cigarette smoking

• Life transitions: Career change or empty nest

Finally, if the idea of adding EFT to your stress-reducing “repertoire” sounds appealing, then call or email me today. After all, you might be surprised to find that EFT’s tapping—to release pent-up emotions and OUTSMART unhealthy sugar cravings—is much more productive than reaching for the alluring Halloween candy! In fact, after experiencing the gifts of EFT, you just may be happy that…you let your fingers do the “tapping!”

Trina’s Upcoming Events:

1) Managing Emotional and Compulsive Eating: A one-evening workshop for women & men—at John Muir Women’s Health Center in Walnut Creek. Learn how to tame your “Inner Critic” & connect with your “Inner Motivator!” Thursday, Oct 16, 6:30-8:30 pm. Fee: $40 (includes self-hypnosis for weight loss: 2-CD set). Register today: (925) 941-7900 option 3.

2) Weight Loss Groups: INSPIRING groups are now forming! Receive holistic, leading-edge tools (EFT and self-hypnosis) while getting heartfelt support from Trina. Get ready to “lighten up”—from the inside out—and have some FUN in the process…after all, belly laughs DO burn calories! Email for details: info@TrinaSwerdlow.com

Trina Swerdlow, BFA, CCHT, is a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, an author and artist. She has a private practice in downtown Danville. You can reach her at: (925) 285.5759, or info@TrinaSwerdlow.com.

Certified Clinical Hypnotherapy services in California can be alternative or complementary to licensed healing arts, such as psychotherapy.

Name and client details changed to protect confidentiality.

I’m a sucker for a feel good movie. I’m even a bigger sucker for a “Purpose Driven” movie. The Little Red Wagon is a docudrama based on the story of an eight year old boy who dedicates his life to helping children rendered homeless by Hurricane Charley. In this inspirational drama based on actual events, Zach Bonner learns that you can’t put a price on life’s greatest gifts.

After hurricane Charley barely misses Zach’s home but devastates many others nearby, he’s dejected by the images of the families whose lives are uprooted by the disaster. Deciding to do something about it, Zach uses his old trusty wagon to collect essential items to help them get back on their feet. When the media spotlights Zach’s benevolent endeavors, the selfless boy seizes the opportunity to launch his own charity, dubbed the Little Red Wagon Foundation.

Later, Zach encounters a widow and her son who were rendered homeless and vows to draw attention to their plight by embarking on a cross country walk. Despite his single mother’s trepidations about the journey and his teenage sister’s growing resentment over being stuck at the center of the media circus, Zach sets out on a journey that will transform not just his own life, but also the lives of everyone he encounters.

Zach Bonner is often called the kid with the heart of gold. His passion to aid the more than 1.3 million homeless children in the United States warranted him receiving the prestigious Presidential Service Award in 2006.

Through his foundation, Zach did many “walk projects” to raise money and awareness. His “My House to the White House” journey showcased the plight of the homeless and in 2010 Zach walked 2,448 miles from Tampa, Florida to Los Angeles, California. Zach is now 16 years old and still striving to abate the suffering of homeless children.

Little Red Wagon is an amazing story about an incredible young man and the family that supports him. They walk with him, nurse and feed him along the way and manage the “Zach Tracker,” his GPS device so his supporters can follow him.

I highly recommend this DVD for its social value alone. It’s a great teaching tool for kids, teens and adults. Zach could teach us all a thing or two about love and charity. In my humble opinion, it’s never too early to start showing our children the habit of helping others.

So, sit down with the kids or the grandkids, or grab someone else’s kids, and watch Little Red Wagon. Maybe the flame of passion for helping others that once burned brightly within you will be rekindled as well. Your life will be changed as you help to change someone else’s life.

As always, I welcome your comments at chastings@rockcliff.com.

Next month we will celebrate our anniversary—nine terrific years of unique content that you won’t find in any other lifestyle magazine. Nine years of providing advertisers with a magazine with an unmatched shelf life. What do I mean by “shelf life,” and why does that matter to advertisers?”

The other I picked-up a perfectly good copy of the November 2009 ALIVE (our Tanzanian Connection issue) in the lobby of a local business. They were keeping it because they really liked the cover and the content. Some advertisers in that issue, which no longer appear in current issues of ALIVE, are still benefiting from their ads in that issue—now, five years later. And this is not uncommon, as we frequently discover copies of ALIVE that are several years old, still in circulation, so to speak.

If you’ve been reading ALIVE for any time at all, you’re probably aware of the fact that we offer a number of other services, outside of the magazine itself. It’s likely that you know we also publish books—ALIVE Book Publishing (www.AliveBookPublishing.com), but do you also know ALIVE offers a number of other media-related products and services?

How about website design and maintenance, search engine marketing (SEM) and search engine optimization (SEO), and social media management? And then there’s video production and cable television advertising on Comcast. ALIVE can handle all of these as stand-alone services, or in economical, bundled marketing packages.

Did you also know that ALIVE is partnered with an exciting new website and mobile application called The Talk Pod? If you haven’t already explored the site, be sure to do so—it’s amazing… and it’s free! (www.TheTalkPod.com and find “thetalkpod” in the Apple App Store).

And, speaking of “apps,” that’s another service we offer—mobile application development. ALIVE can create and launch a customized mobile application for you, again, either as a stand-alone product, or as part of a comprehensive, bundled marketing package.

The sign on our building says it all: Magazine, Web, Video, TV, Book Publishing. Whether you own a business or are simply an individual with a message that you’d like to communicate—remember, ALIVE is much more than a magazine!