Congratulations…You’re Hired!

No one ever told me that being a wife was a job, well at least not directly. I’ve heard from a select few that it’s a lot of work, although not back breaking, vacationless, “better not clock-in late,” 24/7, kind of work. It’s only been three months since the honeymoon and already I’m his personal chef, counselor, maid, and sex slave, amongst other things. I’m not complaining, it’s just I wasn’t prepared for this.

I remember a couple of years ago I had made a list of what I felt would be the perfect husband: he would be handsome and charming, he would cook and clean, he would be romantic and affectionate, strong but open with his emotions. He wouldn’t have an issue with communication, would be extremely loyal, could make me laugh, and kept God first. My husband was exactly what I had prayed for; at first, but then I started to realize how many versions of these qualities one can have.

Now, there isn’t anyone in the world that I’d rather spend my life with, but I got played. Everything I asked for I received, just not how I thought I would receive it. This was truly a lesson well learned. You see, my husband is very handsome and charming on paper and in photographs, but the private itching, belching, gassy guy who I see everyday, is a long way from Disney charming. But he is handsome. He cooks too, but he’s no gourmet chef. He’s not even a Pinterest chef, because he only knows how to make eggs, toast, frozen waffles, and chicken Top Ramen.

He cleans his sneaker collection all the time but just doesn’t do much of anything else outside of himself, his wardrobe, and his accessories. He is very romantic on special occasions like our anniversary and Valentines Day, considers a slap on the butt the most endearing display of affection, and makes sure to show me this kind of love at least five times a day. He is very strong and open with his emotions pertaining to sports, and has no problem communicating his beliefs regarding who got voted off of NBC’s The Voice when the results are in. He’s extremely loyal to his online videogame crew, and makes me laugh every time he thinks he knows more than I do about… well, everything.

He loves God, and puts Him first, so there’s no complaint there, but listening, hearing, and doing are all totally separate things. So you see, I got what I asked for: a great guy whose elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top just yet, because the building is undergoing new management and some construction; hence my 24/7 job, but overall shows great promise.

On the way home the other day I was talking to my husband and we had a small disagreement pertaining to the roles we play as husband and wife in our marriage. Of course like most Christian men, he knows he is the head of the household, but he took me by sincere surprise when he dubbed himself the president and told me I was the governor. I mean a sistah couldn’t even make Vice President. What is that about? I thought I had more than enough credentials to make it into the White House, but no, I got stuck with being the governor of a rural land with nothing and no one to rule over; we don’t have children yet, or even a dog, so what did I get really?

I remember before I got married my husband told me I never had to cook for him, that he wasn’t high maintenance at all. He said, “Babe, seriously, you never have to cook if you don’t want to. As long as I can make a sandwich or some Top Ramen, I’m good.” The first problem with this statement is that I believed it; the second thing wrong is that I never got this in writing.

Let this be a lesson to engaged women everywhere. Don’t believe the hype, because where am I at this very moment; standing at a hot stove roasting potatoes in the oven and frying chicken in a skillet in 100 degree heat, because my husband came home and said, “Babe whatcha cooking for dinner? I’m craving some fried chicken.”

Marriage is the most wonderfully rewarding job you will ever have in your life where the “Boss” is annoyingly frustrating, but great to look at; the pay is non-existent, the benefits are few and far between, you get no sick or vacation days, but everyday you choose to be there over any other place in the world. Cheers to being a married woman in the 21st century!