Endless to-do lists, long lines, traffic jams, frazzled nerves, short-tempered drivers—rushing…rushing…rushing…or is it dashing…dashing…dashing to survive another holiday?
Sound familiar? Then you may find that your holiday cheer has turned into holiday fear: fear of survival, not having enough cash or credit for presents, fear of not being skinny enough to fit into your cocktail attire, and fear of not knowing when to stop committing to relentless holiday celebrations.
As a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist who offers tools for stress management and weight loss, I get many opportunities during this time of the year to remind my clients to not lose touch with what is really important about the holidays. When any of us forgets to mindfully check in with our heart’s needs and desires, we often experience stress-full and soul-less celebrations.
Abandoning mindfulness over the holidays may offer us colorful nights of socializing, overeating, and partying, but can leave us with a hefty price tag. The first indication of overindulgence may be when our bathroom scales report the “physical damage.” Our waistlines then “second the motion” by rebelling against the miserably tight clothes. A third indicator may be when we see ourselves frantically running around exhausted, shopping bags under our arms and brown bags under our eyes. Finally, due to our tight skirts and slacks, we find ourselves breathing shallowly from our upper chests and, at times, unconsciously holding our breaths. If we keep up this unhealthy pace, we may find ourselves experiencing Stress Responses.
In my book, Stress Reduction Journal: Meditate and Journal Your Way to Better Health, I list some additional common physical symptoms of Stress Responses: tense shoulders, sweating, tension around the eyes, increased heart rate, jaw tension, and neck tension. Then, add mind tension to the physical tension and we’ll really be escalating our stress levels! Mind tension consists of worrisome thoughts like, “What if people don’t have a good time at my party?” or, “What if my spouse doesn’t like his or her gift?” The worrisome thoughts and bodily tensions may be subtle while we’re busy, and then come into our awareness when we’re no longer distracted. For example, our mind-body agitation may become noticeable while we’re trying to relax or sleep.
Many of us experience varying degrees of Stress Responses to situations that aren’t physically threatening, but feel psychologically threatening. For instance, let’s say you get into an argument with your spouse or other family member (not uncommon during the holidays). If neither of you are violent types, then clearly there is no threat to anyone’s survival. However, due to the perceived emotional threat, a Stress Response is triggered. That night, you find yourself unable to sleep as a result of the stress hormones your adrenal glands secreted earlier that day. In bed, you toss and turn as you replay the argument over and over in your mind. As you continue to feel agitated, you notice that your jaw is unusually tense and you’re sweating.
This is a good example of how the mind and body fuel one another during a Stress Response. Worrying and having scary thoughts are the mind’s way of igniting a Stress Response. Worrisome thoughts that include “always” and “never” are red flags for distorted thinking. All-or-nothing thinking is stressful
and often distorted because it tells us that whatever is wrong is black-and-white with absolutely no grays, and offers no hope of changing.
Another example of distorted thinking occurs when a thought that is overwhelmingly negative ends with a catastrophe. These extreme feelings are called catastrophic thoughts. Worrisome and catastrophic thoughts often begin with a, “What if…?” So, while you are lying in bed unable to sleep after an argument,
you may find yourself worrying: “What if my spouse and I never resolve our differences?” “We’re always fighting, what if we end up getting divorced?” “Then, what if I become ill and can’t support myself?”
Whew! These catastrophic thoughts are gold-foiled invitations for adrenaline to pump. The good news is we can learn to recognize our Stress Responses and use tools to counter them and move toward Relaxation Responses. Like the Stress Response, the Relaxation Response is a body and mind issue. At the body level, we move toward a Relaxation Response by letting go of muscle tension. In so doing, we lengthen our muscle fibers by relaxing. Regular periods of relaxation allow our bodies to repair and recharge. Consequently, we have a storehouse of energy to counter stress and to use for healing, when needed.
Letting go (at both body and mind levels) decreases our heart rates, blood pressure, and breathing rates.
At the mind level, we move toward a Relaxation Response by letting go of scary or worrisome thoughts. We catch our “What if…?” thoughts quickly and counter them with rational feedback to ourselves. Doing so switches us out of the emotional sides of our brains and into the rational, logical sides. As a result, we interrupt the worry cycle. So if you hear yourself thinking, “What if people don’t have a good time at my party?” you could counter and re-frame it with: “Then I’ll need to accept it, knowing that I can’t control other people’s feelings. And, I can only do my best in creating a fun atmosphere with good music and refreshments. There’s no need for me to strive for perfection, since perfection simply doesn’t exist.”
And, if you hear yourself thinking, “What if my spouse doesn’t like his or her gift?” you can counter and re-frame it with: “Then we’ll return it and get something he or she loves. We can have a nice walk in nature afterward to make it a fun outing together.”
In addition to re-framing negative thoughts to relax your mind, regularly schedule various forms of exercise during the holidays to help dissipate muscle tension. Walking in nature and practicing yoga are activities that help many people quiet their minds and bodies. In my private practice, I continually remind clients to take plenty of “time-outs” for themselves.
To avoid burnout it’s important to balance the external focus of the holidays by scheduling quiet time each day. Meditation, prayer, or journaling are a few ways to water and nourish the internal landscape. Deep belly breathing, in addition to spending at least ten or fifteen minutes a day going inward, can be helpful in staying connected to innermost thoughts, feelings, and needs. For parents of small children, I suggest that they consider taking their relaxing “time-out” to recharge while their kids are napping.
In addition, when asked to spread ourselves too thin during the holidays, we may consider turning a few “Ho, Ho, Ho’s” into “No, No, No’s.” Does this mean we become rigid or self-centered? Absolutely not! We can still actively listen to each loved one’s heartfelt holiday desires and negotiate family plans so that everyone gets heard, honored, and loved in the process.
My last suggestion for creating a soul-full holiday is to strive to maintain realistic expectations. Let’s face it—many of us have great imaginations about how things “should” be. However, real life has a difficult time living up to our fabulous, yet unrealistic, fantasies. Comparing our experiences to what we witness in movies or on television is a surefire set-up that can leave us with the holiday blues.
Therefore, to avoid a blue period, keep reeling in those high expectations and consider nurturing a humble attitude-of-gratitude. Doing so can open and awaken us to the subtle sweetness of the season and steadily grow our abilities to appreciate.
In closing, I’ve been writing my ALIVE column for over three years now and would like to thank all of you who have emailed me to express your appreciation for my shared thoughts and words. I look forward to sharing more tips and inspirations (including a new book) with you in 2010. I would also like to thank those of you who read my column, phoned me, and became clients or referred others to me. You have given me the privilege of your trust. I am honored to offer you and your loved ones tools and to be a “power partner” with you.
Let me wish all of you a holiday that connects you to others in soulful ways. The external stuff may be glamorous and fun, but in the end, the emotional connections are what we will undoubtedly remember the most…so remember to create a truly soul-full holiday!
If you need a stress-busting “Stocking Stuffer” for yourself or a loved one, then consider Stress Reduction Journal: Meditate and Journal Your Way to Better Health.