Welcome to Dad University. My name is Mike and I’ll be your instructor for this summer school continuing education class which is designed to help Dads reconnect with a few of the basics and fundamental concepts in the course of Fathering 101. My outline is less structured than say a community college where you might have lectures and tests. This refresher is more like a tutorial session stressing on an implementation of common sense practices. Consider this article our course syllabus, this magazine your text book and ALIVE our school motto. Dad University rocks!
Virtually all men have the capacity to be a dad, but it takes an innate ability to be a good father. It’s not an easy job. It is a constantly evolving task which demands commitment, hard work and a desire to improve. To be a truly involved Dad, you’ve got to want to do more than Preside, Provide and Protect (The three P’s of fathering). Given the day-to-day financial stress we all contend with to live in such a beautiful and affluent community, it’s easy to lose track of our priorities and responsibilities when it comes to the act of interacting with our children. “Kids spell love T-I-M-E”, says Dr. Ken Canfield, Founder of the National Center for Fathering. The Fathering 101 course outline is divided up into four quarters each focusing on a distinct phase in the lives of our children.
First Quarter. Here is when we learn how to assimilate ourselves with the new alien life form that has invaded our lives otherwise known as a new born or infant up through the toddler stage. I know I’m not the only Dad that didn’t get an instruction manual when I brought the kid home from the hospital, so don’t feel bad if you’re not sure what to do right away? While a father can’t do much when it comes to nursing, we can be the one who responds to their cries and brings them to their mothers. In the middle of the night, regardless of the hour, be the one to respond to their cries. When the transition to bottle feeding occurs, help out there too. Also, don’t avoid changing diapers. What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Once you’re feeling brave and confident, encourage your wife to take a night off and get out of the house. You will be amazed at what you’re capable of when it comes to caring for your child.
To this day, my daughters call out for me in the middle of the night if they have a bad dream or aren’t feeling well. That’s not always an easy bell to answer, but it’s certainly a feeling of being needed.
Second Quarter. As our children grow to pre-school age right up into their elementary school years our role takes on a variety of mentoring applications. We are essentially Yoda to our young Jedi Knight prospects. I read somewhere that family is a place of training, instruction and discipline. Take manners for example. My parents were manners crazy. If we ate with our mouths open, put our elbows on the table or, God forbid, used our fingers as a fork, spoon or knife there was hell to pay. Appropriate table manners are a critical life training exercise, but raise your hand if you’ve been a little relaxed lately in the rules department. Now raise your hand if your own manners have taken on the traits of a band of marauding Huns, Vikings or pirates. You get my drift. Manners say a lot about an individual’s character and upbringing. There was a recent article in the Contra Costa Times entitled, Good Etiquette is Good Business, Students Learn that reported on how important manners are to college graduates interviewing with potential employers. People will notice when visiting children have good manners, but they notice more when they don’t. Motivation comes from both compliments and constructive criticism, but it also doesn’t hurt to set a good example.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards. Kids will often surprise us of what they are capable of when it comes to meeting mom and dad’s expectations if there consequences for not towing the line.
Third Quarter. This is typically our least favorite quarter at DAD U, the one dealing with “tweens” and teenagers. This demographic needs us to be fair parents who will lay down the law and enforce it. As our children are given more freedom and responsibilities they should be rewarded, not for doing what’s expected of them, but instead for exceeding expectations. I would tell my 13 year old this, but she’s rarely disconnected from a phone or iPod long enough for me to have a heartfelt sit down conversation. She tweets, texts, emails and sings, but she’s not a real big talker. Middle school sets the stage for high school, so it’s critically important that we establish a strong set the rules and boundaries. Take communication as an example. When we were young our parents simply eavesdropped on our phone conversations, however we now live in a world of cyber-talk where kids are handed a cell phone at their fifth grade commencement ceremony. It’s not unreasonable to demand random access to their email and text for a review of the content and context of their communications. Whenever I watch one of those Today Show or 20/20 stories on cyber bullying or on-line sexual predators, I vow to uphold my position as an IT cop at home, even if it makes me unpopular.
Dr. Amy Chambliss, a psychologist with a private practice in Danville, states, “Kids need boundaries and limits to feel safe and secure. Rules and regulations send them the message that their parents care and are invested in them. From this, kids develop self-respect and a sense of worthiness”.
Fourth Quarter. The last quarter of the year is spent on our children as young adults. This should be a peaceful and enjoyable time to observe the fruits of our labor. Ideally, what we taught our children in the early stages of their development has established a strong foundation for the choices they make once they are 18 and essentially adults. That’s not to say we can’t still be retained as consultants.
Post Graduate Degree. There is undoubtedly a Grand Dad University, but it will hopefully be a lot of years before I attend classes there or even contemplate joining the staff.
Not every man had a good “father” role model. A lot of our father’s were from the old school. They were graduates, or perhaps drop outs, of the Dad University where the typical dad left child rearing up to the graduates of Mom University. My father was raised in a poor farming community and lost his father at a young age. He was a high school GED graduate and a Korean War veteran who started and ran his own company. I always loved my dad, but didn’t always understand him. I was often told, by his friends and co-workers, how proud he was of me. Sadly, he rarely spoke those words to me himself. While my sisters and I always appreciated how hard he worked to provide for us, we all would have preferred that he was around more. I thought that by succeeding in school and excelling in sports he would choose to be more involved. Unfortunately, my father died before I was mature enough to learn more firsthand about the man he was and what he had endured growing up. It may have made a difference in our relationship. I also regret that he never got to meet his two granddaughters, because they are pretty amazing.
According to Dr. Chambliss, “missing fathers or emotionally unavailable fathers are a contributing factor to the acting out we see in our kids today. Kids can go through what psychologists call ‘Father Hunger’. This is defined as an intense desire for emotional connection with dad. When that connection doesn’t happen, kids will try to force it. They may engage in exhausting perfectionist behavior or self-destructive behavior.”
I know that I’m not a perfect father and there’s a lot I can improve upon. Considering that the nation just celebrated Father’s Day last month, this may be an ideal time to delve deeper into the role and responsibilities of being a good dad. We have another 12 months to better ourselves for the sake of our children. Class dismissed.