Certainly there is nothing funny about telephone scams which pry untold amounts of money away from honest, unsuspecting people, quite often senior citizens. When one has just sent $2,147 to bail out a grandson in prison in Finland and the grandson drops by to visit two hours later, most of us would probably be too embarrassed to even talk about the loss. If we do talk about it, the money and perpetrators will have disappeared into a labyrinth of anonymous electronic caves.
Newspapers, magazines, and lecturers warn us about a variety of scams, but when our emotions get involved, we tend to blot out the intellectual parts of our personalities. The usual advice tells us not to answer the phone if we do not know who the caller is. If we do answer and it is a stranger, we are instructed to hang up. The majority of us, however, have been brought up to understand that it is impolite to hang up unless the person threatens or is impolite to us. With email curiosity also comes into play: “Why is John Doe writing to me?”
Several years ago I received a call from New York asking for money for a religious organization. I, politely, informed the person that I do not accept telephone solicitations and that his choice of religions was definitely not mine. He then said that he hoped I would get on airplane to New York, the plane would crash, and I would be killed. I called the telephone company and the police, both of whom informed me that unless the person actually threatened me, there was nothing they could do. The moral to the story: if you listen and get angry at the caller, you can call names, but DO NOT THREATEN, much as you would like to.
At times I decide to have some fun with those who think they have the right to invade my home and privacy so they can make a buck. I do not advise this action for those who are shy about speaking or do not have the background to pull off a deception. In other words, “do not try this at home.”
I have an excellent background in theater and as an actor. I have studied and practiced improvisation for countless hours. Not improv for entertainment, but improv to understand better a character and improv for the inevitable moments in live theater when something goes wrong. Occasionally an actor will have an incident in which he/she unconsciously breaks away from the script and may jump ahead, or behind, two or three pages of dialogue–often the part containing the focus of the rest of the play. Improv teaches, or attempts to teach, an instantaneous way of seeing a variety of paths to get back on track with the audience being unaware of the change.
Also, I am, or was, fairly competent with a variety of non-American accents and the ability to speak gibberish and nonsense for short periods of time. For example: We recently had a rash of calls from a contractor, whose name appeared on “Caller ID,” almost every day and sometimes more than once a day.
After the first experience, we usually just let the phone ring, but this time I was just sitting around, so I answered it speaking total nonsense. When he asked if anyone spoke English, I replied with some sort of accent, “No Anglish.” He then asked about Spanish to which I replied, “Kazakhstan.” I then said without accent, “Actually, I speak fairly good English but you call here everyday and I thought you might get the idea that we are tired of it.” He did not hear most of the end because he had hung up, but I felt better. He has not called back.
A heating and air conditioning contractor called and I let him make his pitch about cleaning ducts, etc. I then asked, “Do they come in dozens?” He then repeated his pitch, so I diverted to, “Can they be gift wrapped?” No return calls.
Another called from some sort of business service. I let him speak, then with my finest Irish tenor and accent began singing “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.” A man with an almost unfathomable Indian accent called identifying himself with a totally Anglo name like John or Fred. He continued saying, “I understand you take medicines including Cialis.” I interrupted to inform him that I was ninety-three years old (exaggerating by nine years), I took absolutely no medicines, and that I had sex three times everyday. He hung up somewhere in the middle of my last sentence, but my wife in the other room called out, “With whom?”
My last part in professional, non-educational, theater was that of a Soviet spy who escaped from a mental institution in England. It gave me a chance to hone my Russian accent which I have found to be the most confusing to unwanted calls. It beats English, German, or French, and my Spanish sounds too much like “Frito-Bandito.” I make them keep repeating themselves while I challenge “angrily” with totally unrelated arguments until they hang up.
If the IRS, PG&E, or some other reputable (?) organization calls and demands money to be sent to some exotic address, hang up and hide under the bed. People, it’s a scam! From personal experience I can assure you that the IRS will let you know by mail when they want your money.
I have not yet gotten the “grandson in trouble and needs money somewhere on the other side of the world” phone call. I am, however, prepared. I plan to ask, “Johnny, are you in trouble again?” Whether the answer is yes or no, I will reply, “That’s strange. I have no grandson called Johnny.” At that point I plan to state that the caller is a rotten liar and insinuate that his mother has four legs, a tail, and is quite hairy. (Obviously if you have a grandson named Johnny, you will need to pick another name.) I enjoy bantering and making these intruders feel foolish.
Again, however, for the person with no theatrical or improvisational background here are three rules for annoying phone call:
1) If you have caller ID and you do not know the person, DO NOT
ANSWER;
2) If you do answer and strangers want money or to come to your
home, HANG UP IMMEDIATELY. If it is legitimate, they will get
back to you.
In conclusion, if you have even a partial solution for the flood of mail requests from organizations, legitimate or not so legit, please let all of us in on the secret. We and 78 jillion trees will appreciate your suggestions.
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