Passive-aggressive communications often lurk quietly in the shadows of our relationships. These behaviors may not be disguised behind sunglasses or trench coats, but they do frequently express in hushed tones.
For instance, do you have a friend who calls you to tell you how angry she is at her husband, son, daughter, or sister? You probably listen patiently as your friend rants and raves about someone’s behavior that hurt her. After you listen for a while and empathize, do you ever suggest that she talk to the person she’s upset with and let him/her know she’s disappointed, hurt, or whatever? If your friend is uncomfortable with confrontation, then she’ll probably vent to you (and her other confidants) as a way to avoid sharing her vulnerability directly with the people with whom she’s upset. She’ll “blow off steam” with everyone except the person she’s upset with.
Unfortunately, sharing vulnerabilities directly through communication is a skill not often handed down from one generation to the next. Instead, what is commonly handed down becomes a major barrier to healthy communication: triangulation. As the word implies, triangulation happens when communication is indirect, behind someone’s back, and involves three people. Triangulation becomes an over-used form of communication when someone lacks the awareness or skill to directly communicate personal feelings and needs to another person. In this way, triangulation becomes the opposite of one-to-one talks.
In my private practice, I often teach my clients assertive communication. Direct communication—assertiveness—is a skill, like a muscle, that needs to be developed and strengthened before we leave the gym and “take it on the road.” And, of course, we need to consciously decide when to let “the small stuff” go and focus on issues that feel truly important.
Speaking your truth with compassion and honesty requires great courage. As you have undoubtedly noticed—speaking your truth with a loved one is no easy endeavor. Getting up the nerve to have a revealing one-to-one talk is stressful. Preparing to have “the talk” can take hours, days, or even weeks—that is if fear doesn’t prompt you to abandon the idea.
One reason for not pursuing a needed one-to-one talk is a fear that doing so will damage or end the relationship. Or, you may simply be afraid that you will hurt the other person’s feelings. Although these reasons may or may not have some validity, the danger is that when you repeatedly avoid the important one-to-one talks, the resentments may pile up and eventually cause a decline in the quality of the relationship. If you don’t speak your truth to a loved one, you may be hiding important parts of yourself from him or her. As a result, you may unconsciously begin putting up protective walls between the two of you.
The following example of indirect communication contains excerpts from my book, Stress Reduction Journal. In the Hudson family, triangulation and passive-aggressive communication was a mainstay of the family diet. Jim and Dorothy Hudson had two grown children, John and Beth. One continual communication triangle in this family was between mom (Dorothy), John, and Beth. A triangle recently became activated when Beth and John made plans to attend a concert featuring classical music. As it turned out, John canceled at the last minute and went to a sporting event with a buddy.
Instead of having a heart-to-heart talk with John, Beth used mom to vent. After listening to her anger and frustration, mom took on Beth’s feelings, called John, and gave him “a piece of her mind.” Or was it a piece of Beth’s mind?
John’s defensive reaction to mom was to blame Beth. “Beth knows I don’t like classical music yet she bought the concert tickets without asking me first. I didn’t want to go from the start, but went along with it to try to be a ‘good guy.’ Then this really fun invite came along—and I couldn’t resist.”
Hurt and disappointed, Beth withdrew from John and missed an opportunity to honestly tell him how his behavior affected her. Feeling blamed and misunderstood, John also withdrew from Beth. As a result, John missed an opportunity to express his thoughts and needs. If John had chosen assertiveness over avoidance, he could have let Beth know that he appreciated her wanting to spend time with him, and that he would like to be invited to an event before the tickets were purchased. That way, he could have told her beforehand whether he was truly interested in the event or not.
Short-Term Gains of Triangulation
You may wonder why anyone would triangulate since it is such a barrier to healthy communication. Obviously, there are a few payoffs, or none of us would indulge in it. One payoff is a momentary feeling of closeness to the person we are triangulating with (at the expense of the person being talked about). For example, Beth and mom felt momentary closeness when they were “on the same side” against John. But, by choosing this method to feel close, they each missed healthier ways to connect with each other—and with John.
The second payoff for triangulating is that “blowing off steam” toward the third party of the triangle momentarily lowers anxiety. Unfortunately though, these payoffs come at the expense of working out issues directly with loved ones and end up blocking healthy, direct relating. The triangulating process offers short-term gains that often create long-term pains by blocking honest emotional intimacy.
Flex Those Assertiveness Muscles
Assertive or direct communication is the opposite of aggressive and passive-aggressive communications. People communicating assertively know themselves well enough to know their own wants and needs, and they are willing to ask for what they want and need from others. People who are flexing their assertiveness muscles don’t expect people to read their minds.
In addition, people communicating assertively take responsibility for their feelings whereas people communicating aggressively (and passive-aggressively) often blame others and become “angry victims.” Assertive communications often begin with ownership and “I-statements.” By contrast, aggressive communications often begin with blame and “You-statements.”
For example, if Beth used assertiveness skills instead of triangulating with her mom, then she might say to John: “I felt hurt and unappreciated when you canceled two hours before we were planning to leave for the concert. I didn’t have enough time to find someone else, and I ended up not going because I didn’t want to go alone. I couldn’t get a refund for the $40 I spent. In the future, if you don’t want to go to an event with me, I would like for you to tell me no thanks, you’re not interested.” She may also see if John will take responsibility for his behavior and reimburse her for the price of the tickets.
By contrast, if Beth became aggressive with John she might say, “You are unreliable, self-centered, and I will never invite you to another event for as long as I live. You’re a jerk and you owe me $40!” As most of us have found out the hard way, aggressive behaviors often create high drama in relationships (win/lose) rather than looking for ways to learn lessons and create win/win resolutions.
The bottom line is this: John may not take responsibility for his behavior no matter how Beth communicates. However, John is more likely to listen to Beth, apologize, and pay the $40 if she is assertive rather than aggressive.
If, after reading this article, Mom (Dorothy) decides to disengage from triangulation and practice healthy communication skills with her family, she could alternatively:
- Not “take on” Beth’s or John’s emotions and stay neutral. Since triangles thrive on high emotions and anxiety, a calm response can often help de-escalate situations.
- Identify her own feelings with family members and ask for heart-to-heart talks with each person involved.
- Suggest that Beth and John honestly talk to one another about their issue. She could encourage them to take turns attentively listening to one another—not in an attempt to be right, but as a way to step into the other’s shoes.
Payoffs for Strengthening Your Skills
By trading triangulation for a compassionate, assertive communication style, you courageously heighten the authenticity in your life. In addition, you develop direct connections with others and allow in deeper levels of emotional intimacy. Disengaging from passive-aggressive communication—and triangulation—awards you the opportunity to flex your assertiveness muscles and strengthen your sense of personal empowerment.
If you feel that it’s time to heighten or refine your communication skill set, then consider contacting me about Assertiveness Training. I will teach you how to:
- Recognize passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive behavior
- Communicate assertively
- Set healthy limits and boundaries
- Balance assertive behavior with compassionate listening when conflicts arise
- Pursue win/win (rather than win/lose) conflict resolution results
My Assertiveness Training offers interactive communication exercises that are educational as well as inspirational. During the training, you can practice communicating assertively in the safe environment of my office. Humor and playfulness are integral parts of this educational process.
In addition, through hypnotherapy experiences, you will receive an opportunity to strengthen your connection to your own inner wisdom and authentic voice. As a result, you will develop tools and skills to genuinely connect with others…in more mindful and meaningful ways.
Names and details in example are fictitious and for educational purposes.