Being a parent is not easy—the role involves an array of stages, adjustments and emotions. Most parents would agree that being a new parent isn’t always something for which you are prepared. You think you are all set but that assumption is far from the truth. The intensity diminishes with more children, but it is a unique experience with each new child, nonetheless. Each new life is unique, with a new set of quirks and temperaments. The game of life changes accordingly.
One’s responsibility as a parent is high regardless a child’s ability that is born healthy, but it is even higher with a child with medical challenges. I am the parent of a son who has no medical issues and a daughter with special needs not obvious to the naked eye because she is on the high functioning end of the developmental scale. Diagnosed with cerebral palsy, she has overcome many obstacles. She doesn’t fit the stereotype of being in a wheelchair or having some obvious physical ailment. She is nine years old and aware of the differences between herself and her special day class.
Never setting limits or labels, her father and I always support and focus on treating her with love, without boundaries on her capabilities or participation in everyday childhood experiences. I cringe at the thought of her not being accepted or ostracized, or worse, of being bullied. Lord knows that can happen to any child, whether mainstream or not.
I recall the heart-wrenching time I had to gently inform my daughter why she is in the special day class at school. I matter-of-factly told her that she has special needs. That means she needs some extra help doing things that her classmates do, whereas they may just need different types of help, depending on the type of “boo-boo” that happened to their brains or bodies. I could see her eyes taking in our conversation as she asked, “So I am special needs?” in a surprised tone. Since she wasn’t in a wheelchair and didn’t needed help to eat, etc., I told her she may not need as much help and that’s why she is like the big sister to her classmates. The help she needs is because of the stroke she had in my tummy, and that’s okay.
I could sense her coming to terms with it as the surprise and confusion turned in circles in her head. My heart ached and my mind battled with my choice that day—the double-edged sword of preparing her mindset for this reality instead of hearing it via deeply hurtful remarks from children was difficult. Her being within the age group where the coping skills are learned and engraved in us, I wanted to be the one to teach her the foundation of self-acceptance and prepare her for the ostracizing that many children experience—that the possibility of unkind words people may say to her doesn’t mean that they are true words. I realized how much I need to trust my parental instinct.
We must help our kids to accept, love and trust themselves despite the limitations or labels others will try to place on them. As I continue this mission of teaching her self-love, I too must trust the reflection looking back at me. I am a parent that worries at each stage of my children’s lives, only to look back and see that God brought them through it just fine. The sacrifices that come with the blessings are oh-so-apparent as I tread this thing called life. I hope that the mountains both my children may face are climbed with tightened-up boot straps and a strength that comes from knowing that their existence is not a mistake. May they know that they have value no matter what pebbles or boulders come rolling towards them. My job isn’t to prevent the mountains from forming but to plant that seed of them growing into productive adults who know who they are at the core of their being. If their lives reflect this goal, then I have done my job and I can put down the sword—or better yet, pass it on to them.
Stefanie Boggs-Johnson is published author of I See You, Little Naomi and soon to be released I See You, Little Andrew. Her educational children’s books promote special needs awareness and compassion. She is also a licensed cosmetologist and the owner of For Every Season, a mobile beauty service for the special needs community. For more information, you may visit her business website ForEverySeasonServices.com or her Facebook page @ItTakesASpecialVillage.
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