An uneasy flutter in the chest, shallow breathing, churning in the stomach, forehead tension, a tight jaw, and a strong urge to flee…
You may think these symptoms describe an anxious person who is about to speak to hundreds of people sitting in a packed auditorium. Since public speaking is a widespread fear, the symptoms listed could indeed apply. However, these are also symptoms of another major fear. The source of this terrifying fear is summed up in two words…emotional intimacy.
It’s no wonder emotional intimacy is such a loaded subject. Unfortunately, few of us were raised with healthy models for emotional intimacy. And let’s face it; our parents couldn’t “pass on” what they didn’t receive. As a result, many of us try to hide our anxieties behind our social masks…and our sophisticated technology.
Essentially, to continue the avoidance of emotional intimacy that was modeled for us in childhood, we may rely on the use of distractions when we’re with others. Text messaging, checking our email accounts, and answering our cell phones (while we’re out with our partners or our friends after work) are easy ways to disconnect from whoever is in our presence.
When we’re at home, continually tuning into television programs is another unconscious way to distract our attention away from our loved ones. Unfortunately, in our “plugged in” society today, many of us are left feeling starved…yearning to be seen, heard, and understood by the people we’re closest to. Can you relate?
In my private practice, I work with clients to increase their abilities to have better “inner” and “outer” communications. In the process, many of my clients discover that communicating authentically (from the heart) leads to deeper feelings of connectedness…to themselves and to others.
For instance, when Valerie (a woman in her early thirties) came to see me she was struggling with anxiety related to her lack of confidence. She compared herself mercilessly to other women—on mind and body levels.
First, Valerie admitted to hating the way her body looked, and she cringed when she spoke of her small breasts. She shared that she often felt less feminine than women with curvaceous figures. When I looked at Valerie I saw a slender and sleek woman who could practically pass for a ballet teacher. On the other hand, being a “recovering perfectionist” myself, I know that seeing distorted reflections in the mirror is not uncommon in today’s world. My heart went out to Valerie when I saw the pain-filled expression in her eyes.
And, even though Valerie had a Masters Degree and was successful in her career, she didn’t “own” or appreciate her high intelligence. Valerie admitted that her social persona projected wit and confidence, although underneath her protective mask…she felt like an imposter.
My work with Valerie consisted initially of teaching her how to turn her attention inward…in a positive way. As a result of embracing her unique “inner gifts,” Valerie became more comfortable in her own skin. In the process, she learned to accept and appreciate her “God-given” form of beauty and femininity. And, after several months of rich personal growth work, Valerie began connecting with others in deeper ways, beyond her protective social mask.
For Valerie, as well as for the rest of us, emotional intimacy grows from the inside out. And the good news is—by strengthening our inner resources we gain the power to become acquainted with ourselves underneath our protective masks. Then, from this authentic place of self-awareness, we share who we are…with safe others. The term “safe others,” refers to people with whom we have established a strong foundation of trust. With trust in place, we have a container that allows us to safely share our strengths…as well as our vulnerabilities.
Meanwhile, an authentic approach to emotional intimacy encourages soulful connections with a variety of loved ones—including a mate, dear friends, and family members. In this way, we experience the gifts of heartfelt emotional intimacy…when we risk knowing and being known by others.
Finally, to celebrate a month where we are surrounded by sentimental greeting cards, candy hearts, and bouquets of flowers—let’s consider taking Valentine’s Day to the next level. After our workday is complete, let’s “unplug” from technology and practice being emotionally present with our loved ones. By connecting beneath our protective masks, we just may get to…the heart of the matter.
Name and client details changed to protect confidentiality
Trina Swerdlow, BFA, CCHT, is a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, an artist, and the author of the 2-CD Set, Weight Loss: Powerful & Easy-to-Use Tools for Releasing Excess Weight. Her artwork and personal profile are included in Outstanding American Illustrators Today 2. She is the author and illustrator of Stress Reduction Journal: Meditate and Journal Your Way to Better Health. Trina has a private practice in downtown Danville. She soulfully shares her creative approach to personal growth and passionately supports her clients in reaching their goals. You can reach her at: (925) 285.5759, or info@TrinaSwerdlow.com.
Certified Clinical Hypnotherapy services in California can be alternative or complementary to licensed healing arts, such as psychotherapy.
Attend the 6th Annual East Bay Women’s Conference (2011)
Embrace Strength–Imagine Success
Presented by Walnut Creek Chamber of Commerce & Visitors Bureau and Chevron Corporation
Monday, March 7, 2011; San Ramon Marriott; 2600 Bishop Drive, San Ramon, 8am–5pm
Register online at www.walnut-creek.com. For more information, call 925.939.2007
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