Halloween is about so much more than just one night of dress up and trick-or-treating. This traditional fall holiday is about costumes and candy, decorations and scary movies, parties and pageantry. It’s so much fun to see this haunting holiday through the eyes of a child or you can even choose to be a kid again by participating in the festivities. What a load of PC gibberish that was. Who do I think I am, some octogenarian 60 Minutes reporter like Mike Wallace or Morley Schaffer?
“Tonight, on 60 Minutes we’ll investigate why Linus spends every Halloween in a deserted pumpkin patch in Peanutsville awaiting the arrival of a Santa-like gourd character known only as The Great Pumpkin.” This mythical being is likely the marketing tool of some nameless diabeties drug company sent to specific suburban markets with the sole intention of getting kids hooked on sugar treats for a lifelong adult dependency on Metformin.
Humor aside, assuming any of that first paragraph was remotely humorous, I’m part of a silent minority that believes Halloween should actually be a national holiday celebrated for an entire week. At this very moment, there’s an independent grassroots movement to convert one day/night into 7 days and 6 nights of ghoulish fun every year and call it Halloweek. As it is, American’s spend over $8 billion dollars annually on candy, decorations, costumes, cards and dental-related bills. Actually, its $8,000,003,562.12 if you include my neighbor’s house, but shouldn’t our money stretch a little further?
Halloweek would start with every citizen of our fine country being required to dress up for all seven days. If you’re living in the US of A, regardless of age, race, religion or political party, you’d be required to wear a costume each and every day. While I haven’t put a lot of thought into it yet, there’s a good chance I would be a Cowboy on Sunday, followed by a robot, a caveman, a pirate, then a fireman, a lumberjack, and a vampire. That would be my dress up week as I selected costumes that I thought would be somewhat compatible with my primary occupation. I’m not looking to scare or disgust my clients, but simply to get into the theme of the holiday. I guarantee you no one would dress up as a commercial real estate agent or humor lifestyle columnist. That would be too boring. I know because I live it 24/7 and while at times it can be a little sad and depressing, glamorous it isn’t.
Watching scary movies should also be part of the Halloweek celebration. There is scientific proof that scary movies are good for the heart, digestion and circulatory system. Cinematic masterpieces such as Friday the 13th, The Ring, The Shinning, The Exorcist, Psycho, Carrie, and of course all seven of the Halloween franchise movies starring Jamie Lee Curtis would be required viewing. I’ll even accept old black and white classics such as Dracula staring Bella Lugosi, The Mummy featuring Vincent Price or The Fly (the original not the remake). Just for the record, Ghostbusters, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Young Frankenstein, Michael Jackson’s Thriller video and the live action Scooby-Doo do not qualify as a scary movies. Watching Freddie Prinze Jr. as Fred and Sarah Michelle Gellar as Daphne run around town in lame 70s outfits with a CGI/animated Great Dane is just wasting two hours on a Saturday I’ll never get back.
A scary movie needs to illicit bowel-churning anxiety while watching the action through the cracks in your finger mask with the family room lights turned out – a dark room adds to the viewing experience.
Handing out candy to trick-or-treaters is about as All-American as the UFC Fight Night, Chick-fil-A, and Honda cars. During my week-long Halloweek master plan, T-o-Ting would however be limited to just two days for two specific reasons. A) Two (2) days is necessary in case a trick-or-treater gets sick or has a scouts/band/sports/school/church conflict on one of the days and (B) Trick or Treating for any more than two days would just be easy pickings for the dentists in our community.
Now, it’s also about time we set a minimum standard for giveaway candy. Back in my day, aka the good old days, mini candy bars (Milky Way, Three Musketeers, Snickers, Mounds, Almond Joy, Kit Kat, Baby Ruth and $100,000 bars) were about twice the size of what they are today. What is this world coming to, when candy bar companies determine that mini isn’t mini enough so over time they slowly make these delicious morsels mini-er? Being a candy aficionado myself, I do enjoy me some Skittles, Jolly Ranchers, Starbursts and Twizzlers. Hold on for one minute. I’m not saying Twizzlers are as satisfying as Red Vines and Black Licorice, but I’ve grown to appreciate “the Twiz,” especially since The American Licorice Company doesn’t produce a Trick or Treat portion size that I’m aware of. Where we stray into unacceptable territory, is when people try and pass out raisins, an assortment of nuts, or popcorn balls. That’s just not right! In fact, that’s just someone asking for their pumpkin to be kicked in or an egg rainstorm to befall their driveway.
Pumpkins will continue to be another favorite element of Halloweek, but not just carving Jack-O-Lanterns. I’m not opposed to a Hannibal Lecter type face skinning and brain-goop dissection of a big ripe pumpkin, but there’s just so many more delicious baking options to this delectable vegetable including pumpkin pie, spice bread, cookies, Bundt cakes and even pumpkin-based CBD oils and incense. My pink eye and gout cleared right up when I recently smoked a bowl of pumpkin seeds.
When it comes to Halloweek decorations, the mo the better. Drape those orange and purple lights across your house like it’s that December holiday that encourages festive outdoor light displays. Install as many blow-ups, pop-ups and rise from the dead fake graveyards as your front yard can support or your HOA will allow. I’m all about trying to create an audio and visual cemetery scene that will induce every elementary schooler to “mess their pants” if they pass by it at night. I’m not saying that happened to me in October of 1973, but my sister does claim to have some type of proof she’s willing to release if I ever decide to run for public office. 
It’s a little known fact that many other countries have already transitioned to the Halloweek concept. My good friend, Cliff Clavin, informed me that several nations in Eastern Europe and the Kurdistan region, such as Latvia, Moldova, Albania, Azerbaijan or was it Kazakhstan (?), Disneyland, and Transylvania, have all embraced a weeklong celebration leading up to the Day of the Dead. Transylvania was an easy one. The Magical Kingdom actually celebrates for an entire two months and they wear costumes year round.
Truthfully, most countries don’t celebrate Halloween. Why not you ask? My deadline is nearing and I don’t have time to Wiki research that question, but suffice it to say, we should consider ourselves lucky to enjoy such a frivolous and decadent one day celebration consisting of candy and dress up hedonism. Halloweek may never get off the ground, but I hope everyone enjoys a spooktacular Halloween.
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