Dear HSSS-
My 23-year-old son recently moved back home after graduating college nine months ago. He’s having a hard time finding a job and needs my financial assistance to get his life started. So how do I teach him responsibility and motivate him to stand on his own two feet? ~ Jennifer in Dublin
She Said: Getting a job is a lot tougher for college graduates than it used to be, so compassion and understanding for the returning young adult is necessary. But failure to launch is what happens if parents make it too easy, so finding the balance is key. Definitely do not give him money! If you are providing a roof over his head and food in the fridge, he’ll survive without pizza and beer. He should be spending most of his time looking for a job in his field (great resource: dearjane.info), and ask him to share with you his progress at the end of each day. Encourage him to take a part time or freelance job to cover some costs while he’s waiting to land the career job. Once he starts earning some money, have him pay rent (no more than 33% of what he’s earning) and put it into your own retirement account. As soon as possible, he should be paying for his gas, cell phone, car insurance, etc. I’ve seen these modern-day arrangements work out really well, and you may even find you like having a roomie you know and trust. To be sure, your son will feel a lot better about himself when he’s contributing to the household, and you will have better prepared him for the real world.
He Said: Let’s clear something up right off the bat: Your son’s not having a hard time finding a job, he’s having a hard time finding the job he wants. And unfortunately, as Robin mentioned, a college education doesn’t guarantee that dream job nowadays the way it used to. If you have the means, you should help your son, but within some well thought out guidelines. Absolutely DO NOT give him money. This includes not paying off his credit card bills. If he doesn’t have the money, he shouldn’t be buying it. Let him know he can stay with you for six months, but charge him a small amount of rent beginning immediately. After the six-month period, let him know that you will start charging him something equivalent to the market rents in your area, maybe with a $100 discount for being your son. This will both motivate him to support himself financially and move on from your home. As a parent, you’re walking a fine line here: you want to make sure you’re not an enabler and shirking your responsibility of giving him a reality check, but at the same time, lending a helping hand is what family does.
Robin Fahr and Shawn Alikian host Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30. Send your questions to AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.
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