He Said/She Said with Robin and Shawn

Dear SSHS,

I was out to dinner last week at a fun, new restaurant downtown and my date was rather short with the wait staff who were doing their very best to please her. The drink was too sweet, the tapas too small, I was actually quite embarrassed. She told me she’s going through a difficult time in her life, so do I cut her some slack or is this a red flag?    –Mr. Nice Guy, Walnut Creek

She Said: I’m going to have to go with red flag or at least yellow. The way people treat others is a real indicator of who they are at the core. I don’t change my core when I’m going through a difficult time, do you? If you want to be certain, go ahead and see her again, and make sure you go somewhere where you must interact with service staff. Watch closely. If she’s rude again, you have your answer.

He Said: I agree with Robin but I’ll take it a step further and say that this is a major red flag. Everyone has bad days but that doesn’t mean you should take it out on the staff at a restaurant or complain about everything to the point where it ruins your date. Dating is supposed to be the best part of a relationship and if you’re not enjoying her company on the first couple dates, then the future could be a very rough ride.

Dear HSSS,

My husband and I are divorcing but we still live in the same house until we can make other arrangements. I was gone for a couple of weeks and returned to find evidence that my husband is “entertaining” someone new, in our home! I’m livid but wonder if I have the right to be. I could sure use some perspective.      — Hell Hath No Fury, Orinda

He Said: First off, let’s understand that he’s not YOURS anymore. This means that he’s not YOUR husband, YOUR lover, or YOUR companion. Basically he should be free to do what he wants and doesn’t necessarily need to wait until the ink is dry on the divorce decree. Now, should he have done this in your shared house? It would have been respectful if he hadn’t, but if there was no prior understanding between the two of you regarding this, then I see no problem here. At least he waited until you were out of town.

She Said: I have to wonder about the mindset of the woman who came over and saw all your clothes and makeup lying about. But that’s not what you asked. To Shawn’s point, yes, you might have set up some ground rules while still residing in the same house. It’s not too late to do that. I would have been livid too. You weren’t prepared for a stranger to be poking around YOUR house, and you know she was! It was bad form on everyone’s part, but people do behave badly in divorce. It’s time for a discussion regarding boundaries that must be honored during this very difficult time.

Robin Fahr is a communications specialist and host of Conversations seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30 and online at www.trivalleytv.org. Shawn and Robin also host He Said/She Said on      TheTalkPod.com.  Send your questions to www.AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.