Dear SSHS,
My boyfriend and I recently became engaged and are getting married in the fall. We love each other very much and agree on most everything except finances. We both have great jobs, but he’s a saver and I’m a spender. He complains about my shopping sprees, and I say he’s too frugal. Neither of us wants to change our ways, so how can we find common ground for the sake of our relationship?– Sophie L., Pleasanton
She Said: Finances are one of the leading causes of trouble in a marriage, so good thing you’re catching this early. I highly recommend keeping your finances separate, splitting all bills evenly, and agreeing to a joint savings account where you each contribute a set amount each month. Treat that savings like another bill. Your fiancé can have his own savings account wherein he can place his money for that rainy day he’s worried about. But remember, don’t go crying to him if you come up short one month due to overspending. I Told You So is such an ugly phrase.
He Said: This definitely needs to be resolved before you tie the knot for the sake of the relationship. I suggest a long term financial spending plan that you both agree on and stick to for the long haul. Robin’s right, you should definitely share the cost of the necessities and splurge only after you’ve done your part, otherwise, your frugal fiancé may see you as a gold digger rather than a partner. You can’t expect your fiancé to put a roof over your head and food on the table while you line the walls of your closet with designer labels.
Dear HSSS,
My husband “John” and I are new parents of a 3-month-old baby boy. John has moved into the guest bedroom, saying he needs his eight hours of sleep and refuses to help when the baby awakens in the middle of the night. He’s a great husband, but not the best dad so far. How can I get him to pitch in more?– Sleepless in Dublin
He Said: This is a very common situation that newborn mothers deal with. You’re married but feel like a single parent when it comes to your newborn. On the flip side, I hear a lot of fathers complain there isn’t much they can do with the baby in the middle of the night since they aren’t the ones breast feeding. Remember, the mother-baby bond is so much stronger at this stage than the father’s so often only a mother’s embrace will calm a crying newborn. Successful marriages are all about give and take so if your husband wants his full night’s sleep, ask that he step it up a notch and cook and clean more often, or give you a hand with your other duties since you now have the most time consuming and important job of all – MOM.
She Said: There are many things we don’t know about your situation, for example, are you nursing, back to work yet, etc. I’ll throw out some tips and you decide which ones apply. 1) Put the baby monitor in dad’s room. When the baby awakens, Dad can get up, bring the baby to you, and go back to bed. If Baby falls asleep with you, no big deal. 2) On weekends, nighttime duty is shared, or maybe you’re even given a break. Have a bottle ready in the fridge for Dad to manage easily. 3) During the day, you sleep when Baby sleeps and nobody should be expecting dinner on the table or a clean house if you’re alone on night duty. Keep in mind, having a new baby is wonderful but hugely stressful. Every baby stage is temporary, so don’t get locked into thinking this is the way it’ll always be. Just when you get this worked out, there’ll be something new to deal with.
Robin Fahr and Shawn “Shizzo” Alikian host Conversations and He Said/She Said seen daily on Tri-Valley TV, Channel 30. Send your questions to AskHeSaidSheSaid.com.
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