For most parents, once the kids are back in school, Halloween is upon us in the blink of an eye. Halloween is followed all too quickly by Thanksgiving, Hanukkah/Christmas and New Year’s Eve. While the fall/winter holidays can be a joyous season, it can also be a time of chaos, exhaustion and weight gain. This is the time of year that a certain Miss Jenny Craig loves. She, and her multi-billion dollar-a-year weight loss company, knows all too well that Halloween night through New Year’s Day is when a majority of the people on this planet tend to pack on the weight. It’s a humanistic hibernation ritual whereby we store up our food reserves for a long winter of inactivity. That’s what J. Craig is counting on. From Snickers bars to pumpkin pies, Christmas cookies to Champagne parfaits, Jenny and her competitors at Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem and countless other weight loss programs are licking their chops (metaphorically speaking) hoping we Americans continue to load up on the calorie rich holiday treats the way we traditionally do. Our inability to say no to any sprinkle covered holiday delicacy guarantees these weight loss empires that they will be rolling in dough (no pun intended) when their target market demographic initiates their #1 New Year resolution…..lose weight. That iron will determination historically lasts until Valentine’s Day, but it’s all the diabolical Ms. Craig, et al, need to get us worked up, signed up, suited up and weighed up…er… in all thanks to holiday overindulging.
Stacy Hallissey, Age 43: “Every year, I resolve to lost weight. I’ve come to realize that if you are what you eat I need to eat a skinny woman.”
Just pay attention to the latest round of weight loss TV commercials, assuming you’re not up getting a snack when there’s a break in the TV action. Queen Latifah, Marie Osmond and Valerie Bertinelli are competing to see who can portray the hottest cougar as a form of subliminal advertising to entice women to lose weight. Kirstie Alley was part of this well crafted marketing campaign until she fell off the wagon and resumed eating her way through the Scientology Kraft Services break room. While I admire Marie Osmond for her physical transformation, especially having had seven children, she lost my respect when she collapsed during a Dancing With The Stars episode. It was probably from starving herself.
On the other hand, Miss Bertinelli hasn’t looked this enticing since I first fell in love with her in 1976 as she played the part of the beguiling youngest daughter, Barbara Cooper, on One Day At A Time. Thanks to her divorce from Eddie Van Halen, Val (as I like to call her) has rededicated herself to health and fitness and now she’s popping up on talk shows and magazine covers wearing little more than a tiny white bikini. Wowzer!
Even the guys are getting into the weight loss action as evidenced by former sports stars such as Dan Marino, Don Shula, Mike Golic, Boomer Esiason, Charles Barkley and Tommy Lasorda all slimming down for a taste of that mad weight loss advertising cash. Unfortunately, no one gives a rip about washed up athletes losing weight.
Most grocery and drug stores, for which I will include Target and Wal-Mart in this category, have entire aisles dedicated to dietary supplements. There are powders, vitamins, drinks, gels and pills lining the shelves to assist people with their constant fight with their metabolism; a.k.a. will power and snack cravings. The diet centers are usually strategically located adjacent to the Hostess snack aisle. On a recent undercover investigative reporting mission, I observed shoppers purchasing everything from pre-packaged low calorie meals to appetite suppressants to high colonics, all in an attempt to drop a few pounds. Since I’m currently carrying an extra 20 lbs. on my Calvin Klein underwear model frame, I’m as guilty as anyone of needing a little appetite suppression assistance. While I’ve never met a cookie I could resist, I draw the line at the high colonic hydrotherapy fad. There’s no way I’m introducing my insides to an intestinal water park ride just to drop the equivalent of a Nestle Toll House.
Now that the holidays are upon us, it will be virtually impossible for many of us to fight the overpowering feast of delectable temptations coming our way. Sadly, I’ve decided to just give in. That’s right, it’s going to be food hedonism at my house from Oct. 31st through Jan. 1st. Please don’t bother coming over if you’re not planning to bring a cornucopia shaped caramel popcorn ball or a Rice Krispie menorah treat. I’ll be sampling every decadent goodie I lay my eyes on before going cold turkey beginning January 1st. Actually, I love eating cold turkey sandwiches (with cranberry sauce and Cheetos) while I’m watching bowl games and parades, so rehab might not be so bad.
Scot Wilson, Age 50: “I lost roughly 50 lbs. this year. Unfortunately, trying to balance healthy eating habits and the festivities of the holiday season might be impossible. I’ll probably just cave in to temptation and start up again after the Super Bowl.”
Halloween: Is it possible to eat your weight in candy? I’ll let you know. Seriously, my wife is to blame for my poor Halloween eating habits. Every year she anticipates that we’ll get about 1000 more Trick-or-Treat visitors then we actually do. She buys enough candy to feed all of the kids in Transylvania because we would be perceived as bad neighbors if we ran out of bite size candy. Inevitably, we have half a dozen ghosts and goblins that ring our door bell and I end up consuming my 600th bag of mini M&Ms by mid-November. Being a responsible father, I also take it upon myself to limit the sugar intake of my own children by eating a majority of the candy they’ve collected. This prevents cavities and the risk of childhood obesity. Distressingly, I have so many fillings in my mouth that I set off the metal detector whenever I fly, but the good news is I’ve been pre-approved as a contestant on The Biggest Loser next season.
Thanksgiving: What would the Pilgrims say if they knew we had taken their traditional day of giving thanks, not to mention the magnanimous gesture of our Native American Indian friends who were willing to host this inaugural event, and turned it into an all-day food orgy? Thanksgiving Day morning typically begins with me enjoying a Starbucks Pumpkin Pie Frappuccino as I disembowel the turkey. Coincidentily, the day usually ends with me wiping pumpkin pie crumbs off my chin as I waddle off to bed. The rest of the weekend is dedicated to resting up before the next meal. Does watching football on TV constitute as exercise? It’s almost like I do a sit-up every time I strain to get off the couch. Can I get some gravy with my pumpkin bread?
Hanukkah/Christmas/Kwanzaa: Regardless of your religious preclusion, most of us will be praying to the Scale God once this glutinous consumption of holiday treats has passed. Pity those of us who celebrate more than one of these traditional ceremonies because I carry both Catholic and Jewish guilt while I chow down on an ample supply of Christmas cookies and Rugelah. The upside is I don’t need any additional padding to fit into my Santa suit. When you add work related office parties to the family and friend gatherings you have a recipe for disaster and I’m not talking about the red and green deviled eggs. Please don’t bring up my collection of inappropriate photocopies documenting my every widening rear end (aka junky junk in my Badonkadonk) from the last eight office holiday blowouts.
New Year’s Eve: Don’t let anyone tell you that alcohol doesn’t have any calories. There are 210 of those bad boys in just one of Oprah’s Pomegranate Martinis. Most of the calories consumed by the average American suburban dad and mom on New Year’s Eve are liquid calories. There’s spiked cider, warm toddies, holiday themed cocktails, neighborhood spirits and spiked eggnog. Wisely, at my house we try not to eat too heavily on NYE. We usually avoid a formal sit down dinner in favor of appetizers, hor d’oeuves, finger foods and a TGI Friday’s sampler platter. It’s so much healthier to simply snack during a night of merriment than to try and prepare a big meal with all the fixings.
Craig Nunn, Age 51: “My New Year’s Eve party menu begins with a Captain and Coke at happy hour, followed by an evening of wine, shots and champagne. I also like to cap off the night with an Irish coffee. Then there’s Bloody Mary’s on New Year’s Day morning and a 12 pack of beer while watching college football games. I probably should try to eat more.”
The holidays are a time for love, laughter and embracing traditions. We attend parties, host family gatherings, sing carols, share recipes, exchange gifts and enjoy cheesy holiday television specials. As parents and responsible adults, we should try and set a good example for our children. Everything in moderation is never a bad motto to embrace. Let’s collectively, as a region, agree to monitor our candy intake this Halloween, avoid going back for seconds and thirds at Thanksgiving, pass on the 24 days of cookies in December and never, ever “drink in the New Year.” If you still find that you’re overwhelmed and feel like you might need some assistance, go ahead and call Jenny Craig. She’s probably waiting for our call.
MICHAEL COPELAND