I’m dreaming of a White (not Stage Purple) Christmas, just like the ones I used to know. Wouldn’t it be so nice to get back to the way life used to be pre-Coronavirus/COVID-19? Does anyone remember when we were free to shop, travel, carol and congregate with friends and family over eggnog and fruit cake? Remember a holiday season when we could go out to a nice dinner, get together at the house with neighbors or co-workers and tolerate seasonal gatherings with our extended family? It seems like that was so long ago. After a Thanksgiving lockdown with limited travel, who knows what our Christmas/Hanukah through New Year’s will look like this year given an out of control worldwide pandemic. COVID could literally be an updated version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
With a little help from Dr. Seuss, I’ve given a slight local spin to a familiar Christmas story with hopes that it will bring a smile to those who read it. Does anyone read our online magazine? We’ll soon find out.
| Every Dan down in Danville, liked Christmas a lot… But the COVID amongst us, Did NOT! COVID hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be this virus wasn’t screwed on just right. Or it could be, perhaps, its symptoms too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all, May have been that COVID has a heart, two sizes too small. Whatever the reason, its heart or its glands, COVID spent Christmas Eve, hating all of us Dans. Staring down from its cave, with a sour COVID frown, At the warm lighted windows below in our town. “And they’re hanging their stockings!” COVID snarled with a sneer, “Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!” Then he growled, with his COVID fever nervously running, “I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!” For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Dan girls and boys, Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their toys! And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! That’s two things COVID hated! Dr. Fauci and NOISE! Then the Dans, young and old, would sit down to a feast. They would feast on Dan-pudding, and rare Dan-roast beef. Which was something that COVID couldn’t stand in the least! And THEN They’d do something it liked least of all! Every Dan down in Danville, the tall and the small, Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing. They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Dans would start singing! And the more COVID thought of this Dan Christmas sing, The more COVID thought, “I must stop this whole thing!” “Why, for hundreds of years it would happen right now?” “I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?” Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE COVID GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! “I know just what to do!” COVID laughed at that note. And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and Santy Claus coat. And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great COVID trick!” “With this coat and this hat, I look just like St. Nick!” And when the Dans gather in numbers they’ll all get real sick” |
THEN COVID loaded some bags and some old empty sacks, On a ramshackle sleigh and it hitched up old Max. Then COVID said, “Giddy up!” and the sleigh started down, Toward the homes where the Dans lay asleep in their town. All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. All the Dans were all dreaming sweet dreams without care. When it came to the first little house on the square. “This is stop number one,” the old COVID Claus hissed, And it climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. Then it slid down the chimney. A rather tight sinus. But, if Santa could do it, then so could the virus. Where the little Dan stockings all hung in a row. “These stockings,” it grinned, “are the first things to go!” Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, Around the whole room, and it infected every last present! Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums! Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums! And it stuffed them in bags did the COVID quiet nimbly, Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney! Then it slunk to the icebox. He took the Dan’s feast! It took the Dan-pudding! It took the roast beef! It cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash. Why, that COVID even took their last can of Dan-hash! Then it stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee. “And NOW!” grinned the virus “I will infect the whole tree!” And COVID grabbed the tree, and he started to shove, When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. COVID had been caught by a tiny Dan daughter, Who’d got out of her bed for a cup of cold water. She stared at the virus and said, “Santy Claus, why,” “Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?” But, you know, that old COVID was so smart and so slick, He thought up a lie, and it thought it up quick! “Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Santy Claus lied, “There’s a light on this tree that won’t light on one side.” “So I’m taking it home to my workshop, my dear.” “I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.” And its fib fooled the child. Then it patted her head, And it got her a drink and it sent her to bed. |
Then the last thing it took was the log for their fire!
Then it went up the chimney, itself, the old liar.
And the one speck of food that it left in the house,
Was a crumb that was too small for even a mouse.
Then it did the same thing it the other Dans’ houses
Leaving crumbs much too small for the other Dan mouses!
It was quarter past dawn… All the Dans, still a-bed,
All the Dans still asleep when COVID packed up the sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
“PoohPooh to the Dans!” it was COVIDLY humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!”
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!”
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Dans down in Danville will all cry BooHoo!”
“That’s a noise,” grinned COVID, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the virus put its hand to his ear.
And it did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
It stared down at Danville! COVID popped out its eyes!
Then it shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Dan down in Danville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
COVID hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the virus, with its COVID-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came without ribbons! It came without tags!”
“It came without packages, boxes or bags!”
The virus puzzled three hours, till its puzzler was sore.
Then COVID thought of something it hadn’t thought of before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
And what happened then? Well…in Danville they say,
That COVID’s small heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute it’s heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with a vaccine through the bright morning light,
And it brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And at the end of the day, the Dan’s ate their roast beast!
There’s probably a little more to the story, but I’m tired and I’ve far exceeded my word count. The purpose of the retelling of this timeless holiday classic was to remind all of us that while this pandemic has been horribly tragic to many and terribly burdensome to everyone, it shouldn’t define us or dampen our holiday spirits. Perhaps that’s easier said than done, however, as a Mike here in Danville, who likes Christmas a lot, I won’t give up hope, no I will not. Let’s try and be happy, let’s all persevere, let’s everyone try to enjoy some much-needed holiday cheer.
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