When we experience a rite of passage, in a sense, we are walking across a bridge. In the process, we are leaving a familiar place and transitioning to an unfamiliar place. These important rite of passage “bridges” in our lives serve as platforms to momentarily embrace, honor, and celebrate major life transitions. Rite of passage rituals—or celebrations—provide us a time to pause, adjust, and balance before moving forward to our next destination. In addition, while our identities are in the rockin’ and rollin’ process, these important celebrations offer our loved ones an opportunity to help stabilize us with their blessings and their heartfelt support.
Many societies recognize and create ceremonies to honor rites of passage. In 1909 French anthropologist Arnold van Gennep authored Les Rites de Passage and shared his theory of socialization, which described how rituals mark the various transitional stages between childhood and full integration into a tribe or a social group.
The three stages that differentiate the rites of passage are:
- Separation
- Transition
- Incorporation
First, during the separation stage, people withdraw from one status to move forward into the next status. When we are in the separation stage and move from a familiar environment into an unfamiliar
environment (which is often combined with an unfamiliar routine) we’re likely to experience substantial amounts of stress. It is common in the separation stage to experience a symbolic “breaking
free” or “cutting away” from the self that we are leaving behind.
For example, when infants are birthed, they leave the familiar dark environment of their mothers’ wombs and are thrust into the light of their new destination…the outside world. In this separation
stage, the infants’ umbilical cords are literally cut to free them from their prior life stage. Clearly, this is an important initial rite of passage.
Next, after the separation stage, we enter the transition stage. In this transitional time, we stand centered on the rite of passage “bridge” and experience the in-between place of the three stages.
We’ve left the known but are currently…in limbo. As a result, transitional times often create a sense of confusion and disorientation.
Adolescence is considered one such major transitional stage. The adolescent has left childhood but is not a full grown adult yet. Most of us are familiar with the “normal” adolescent angst and growing
pains that teens endure—either by remembering our own experiences…or from being parents of teenagers. (I bet some of you are fervently nodding your heads right now!)
Finally, during the incorporation stage, the rite of passage is complete and the new identity is embodied. For example, as citizens in our country—when we move beyond adolescence and we enter
fully into adulthood—we can vote, make a will, and get medical treatment without our parents’ consent.
Intellectually or on paper, these rites of passage seem like a breeze. And, these “major celebratory events” where we pause to receive support and “bridge” our life transitions are supposed to flawlessly play out…right? Well, in theory…yes…but reality is often a completely different animal.
Those of us who are consciously aware of “our humanness” can attest to the fact that flawless expectations, when combined with the pressure of a life transition, will create chaotic thunderstorms
around our important “celebratory events.” Have you noticed that if perfectionism shows up as an “uninvited guest” to our celebrations, then the natural joy of the event is compromised?
Let’s face it, a wedding ceremony, a graduation party, a retirement party, an anniversary party, or any other kind of major celebratory event can amp our stress levels to full throttle—if we allow a
perfectionist to take over. The perfectionist I am referring to here manifests from the inside and is a part of ourselves. It’s the part of ourselves that believes that if we don’t do things perfectly, then we are a failure.
When in a perfectionistic mode, we think in terms of black and white, good or bad. Meanwhile, we focus on results and our fear of failure relentlessly pushes us and prevents us from enjoying (or
appreciating) the small steps toward a goal. Surprisingly, procrastination can “creep into the mix” due to our becoming stuck in obsessive thinking…leading to analysis paralysis.
If we identify with having a strong “inner perfectionist,” then it’s obvious why celebratory rituals can wreak havoc on our nerves-as well as the nerves of those around us. In fact, unbridled perfectionism
can transform an important rite of passage—a major celebratory ritual—into high drama! For example, the sensitive (and potentially fretful) decisions required in creating celebratory events often result
in multiple breathless sighs of “Who-weee….” Such sighs become audible when we consider decisions concerning, who-weee invite, who-weee seat next to whom, who-weee hire to cater, who-weee
choose to photograph the event…and the list of “who-weees” goes on and on.
Okay, you probably have a better understanding now of the stressful issues that often develop during rites of passage. So, are you ready to hear what my suggestions are for preventing perfectionism
from polluting major celebrations? Great, here goes.
Basically, when I work with clients who come to me because they’re stressed about an upcoming major event, I usually teach them some relaxation techniques and then offer them a piece of paper and a
pen. I encourage them to sit quietly with their eyes closed (breathing deeply) for a few minutes. After becoming centered, they focus on the following simple query process.
I ask the client five questions; they think about their responses for a moment, and then jot down whatever comes into their minds.
Here are my questions:
PERSONAL INVENTORY:
CREATING BALANCED CELEBRATIONS
- What is my intention for creating (or attending) this celebratory event?
- Can I recognize and calm my “inner perfectionist”?
- Can I remind myself that there is a “me” and a “we” involved in this important event?
- Am I willing to practice assertive communication (to avoid passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive communication)?
- Can I invite my sense of humor into this “rite of passage” process?
Now, let’s brainstorm a scenario of someone who worked with these questions. Katie, a client of mine who was preparing for her upcoming wedding, answered these questions in the following way
(yep, she allowed “her humanness” into the process).
- What is my intention for creating (or attending) this celebratory event? I want to give Tom and me a place to publicly share our loving commitment to one another before God. I want the church to look gorgeous with tasteful decorations and fresh flowers. I want the food to taste delicious. I want everyone who attends to have a great time! I want to bring Tom’s family together with my family so that they can bond and celebrate the new life that Tom and I are creating. I want to look beautiful and perfect in my wedding dress.
- Can I recognize and calm my “inner perfectionist”? Yes, I see that my inner perfectionist started to show itself in response to the previous question, especially when it comes to how I look. I feel tearful right now. So, to calm my inner perfectionist, I will need to reassure this scared and insecure part of myself that: “I am beautiful and unique inside and out.“ And, I can remind myself that I will do my best to look outwardly beautiful at my wedding. However, I won’t allow the pressure of “perfectionistic expectations” to keep me self-absorbed, which would drain the joy out of embracing the special moments with those around me. I also know that it’s unrealistic (magical thinking) to “hope” that everyone who attends our wedding event “will have a great time.” Since I can’t control the universe, or other people, I need to let go, breathe, and simply focus on being present in each moment (including this one right now).
- Can I remind myself that there is a “me” and a “we” involved in this event? Yes, I can clarify my wants and needs regarding the wedding and then attentively listen to Tom’s wants and needs. I am willing to negotiate, since this will be good practice for our becoming a solid couple.
- Am I willing to practice assertive communication (to avoid passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive communication)? Yes, I will use assertive “I-statements” rather than aggressive you-statements” when expressing my thoughts and feelings. I will remember that being on a transitional “bridge” is stressful for Tom, our families, and me. So, speaking my truth in a gentle, respectful way is my goal. I also want to be a compassionate listener for others too. I will keep reminding myself that this wedding is not just “all about me.”
- Can I invite my sense of humor into this “rite of passage” process? I will try because taking myself (or this event) too seriously will create high stress and high drama. I can remind myself that I want our wedding to be spiritual and heartfelt, as well as light, joyful, and FUN! Being able to laugh is a good thing!
After Katie answered my five questions and processed her responses, she felt clear about the boundaries that she wanted to tend. She knew that honoring her boundaries (as well as respecting other
peoples’ boundaries) would be a gift to her upcoming wedding. And, prior to the wedding, she reviewed her notes regularly and continually realigned herself with her positive intentions and the insights she gleaned from her inquiry process. In addition, Katie shared my questions with Tom, who gleaned his own set of inspiring insights as a result of completing the simple set of queries.
You too can consider answering my five simple questions before your next rite of passage event. And call me if you’d like to “freshen up” your assertive communication skills or learn some practical and
simple stress-reducing techniques. Then, hopefully, you will be able to prevent perfectionism (and unrealistic expectations) from polluting your major celebratory experiences. Thus, you will allow “bridge experiences” to offer you a nurturing place to pause, adjust, and balance as you move forward to your next destination.
In closing, as you courageously embrace your important rites of passage, remember Albert Einstein’s words of wisdom…”I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.”
(Name and client details changed to protect confidentiality)
Attend Trina’s Inspiring Workshop: Managing Emotional and Compulsive Eating at the Women’s Health Center, John Muir/Mt. Diablo
Health System: 1656 N. California Blvd., Suite 100, Walnut Creek, Wednesday, June 30, 6:30-8:30 pm. Seats are limited—register today: (925) 941-7900 option 3.
Trina Swerdlow, BFA, CCHT, is a certified clinical hypnotherapist, an artist, and the author of the 2-CD Set, Weight Loss: Powerful & Easy-to-Use Tools for Releasing Excess Weight. She is also the author of Stress Reduction Journal: Meditate and Journal Your Way to Better Health. Her CDs and her book are available from John Muir Women’s Health Center online store: www.womenshealthcenterstore.com/books1.html.
Trina has a private practice in downtown Danville. You can reach her at: (925) 285.5759, or info@TrinaSwerdlow.com. To receive her free newsletter, “Trina’s Transformational Tips for Mindful Living,” sign-up at her site: www.TrinaSwerdlow.com (Certified Clinical Hypnotherapy services in California can be alternative or complementary to licensed healing arts, such as psychotherapy.)
Photo by Susan Wood, www.SusanWoodPhotography.com