Maybe, because it’s the year 2010, I feel a responsibility to raise the level of my game when it comes to New Year’s Resolutions. It’s hard to believe that it was just nine short years ago that we thought the world’s economy, or at the very least our home and work computers, might experience a meltdown of epic proportion as a result of the Y2K apocalypse. Fortunately, that little millennium snafu never came to be. Unfortunately, the bottom did eventually fall out of the financial markets, beginning in late 2008.
Come to think of it, I have been having trouble with my PC when surfing websites such as Craigslist, Facebook and Suburban Swingers.com. Perhaps we were just off by a few years and it was actually Y2010K? I will admit that I’m also more than a little concerned about this new movie, 2012. In my experience, Mayan predictions aren’t anything to trifle with and the end of the world is a pretty significant premonition. Oh well, that’s two years away, lets just focus on the here and now, 2010.
For the past couple of years, I’ve relied on the traditional classics when it comes to my New Year’s resolutions. My goals and objectives tended to center around losing weight, being a more involved parent, attending church, working harder, communicating more regularly with friends and relatives, community efforts such as giving blood or other bodily fluids, and of course, to stop beating my pets. I don’t physically beat them mind you, but occasionally I am sarcastic and condescending to them. Just the cats that is—the dog and I get along fine.
If I were to revamp this traditional resolution list it’s got to be more accomplishment oriented. There’s got to be an action plan not just a mission statement behind my resolutions. Knowing this, please feel free to follow along as I lay out the groundwork for a happy, healthy and prosperous new year.
I resolve to be a better father, if it’s possible to be better than perfect. I’m only kidding. I know there’s always room for improvement. I could be more patient. I tend to raise my voice after just the 8th time making a simple request of my daughters. Next year, I’ll wait until the 9th request. I could also be more understanding of “tween” girl issues such as vampire love, procrastination, texting, hair/clothes/shoe styles, mumbling, slouching and the intense dislike of sisters.
I shouldn’t be so offended when, despite the countless hours spent driving, attending, helping and cheering at their various activities, that they would rather stuff iPod buds in their ears than actually have a conversation with their father. Life lessons, advice, quality time= BORING, at my house. I hope my tears don’t fry the computer keyboard. This year, I’m determined to reconnect with the demon seeds I’ve spawned and be a better Daddy.
I resolve to be a better husband, if it’s possible to be better than perfect. I’m only serious. I cook, I clean, I mow, I watch what I eat and workout to make myself desirable. I………I……..Ok, I don’t actually do any of those things, but I could, I mean I will. Marriage is a two-way street and lately I’ve been letting someone else drive. We all know that marriage takes work. Unfortunately a lot of us have jobs that also require that we work. After I put in a long day at work-work I don’t have the energy to come home and put in another couple of hours relationship work. Marriage work requires more effort than real work. It’s emotionally draining and doesn’t pay as well. I’m not saying that relationship work doesn’t have it perks (wink, wink, nudge, snicker), but last I checked, there’s only 24-hours in the day, and as you know from past articles, I need my “me” time. This year, regardless of the conflicts and my own limitations, I am determined to reconnect with my beautiful, wonderful wife and be a better domestic partner.
I resolve to take better care of myself. I’m not implying that I could transform my 47 year old desk jockey body into one of those Werewolf boys in the New Moon movie, but there’s certainly room for improvement. After trying the crazy diets, the boot camps, Bikram Yoga, spin classes, Dancing with the Stars Home Edition and the high colonics, I’m convinced the well balanced approach is the only tried and true method for maintaining good health and fitness. I’m confident that if I initiate a daily regime of healthy eating, 8-10 hours of nightly sleep and exercise with Wii Fit, in time I‘ll feel good about wearing a Speedo at the beach again. This year, I’m determined to live a less deep-fried lifestyle.
I resolve to take no medicine that has side effects worse than my illness. If the prescription or over the counter medication could cause blindness, deafness, muteness, open sores, migraine headaches, paralysis or impotence then I refuse to swallow it, inhale it, drink it or secrete it! I don’t care if I have teenage facial acne, double vision, start growing hair on the bottom of my feet and crave the taste of human blood, the medication prescribed can’t be the cause of a more serious aliment such as, oh I don’t know…….death. This year, I’m determined to read the packaging for possible side effects before trying to feel better.
I resolve to be a better writer. I’m well aware that my writing style is amateurish and sophomoric, often relying on “bathroom” humor for laughs. In fact, a recent poll determined that most of my articles are actually read in the bathroom. I acknowledge that I tend to be a little wordy, not knowing when to end one sentence and begin another, but that could be considered a style and not a deficiency of the content………oh, I’m doing it again. I’m also not a very strong proof reader. Candidly, I don’t know if anyone actually reads the monthly drivel I put out. There hasn’t been a lot of reader feedback. I don’t know why I even bother. Would anyone even notice if I took up some other creative hobby, such as pottery or gardening? If only there was a health club like studio for all of us artsy folks living along the I-680 corridor, where we could drop-in and spend a few hours channeling our creative energy into tangible goods. That would be cool. This year, I’m determined to put more thought into the content of my writing… or take up needlepoint.
I resolve to generate additional income by opening up a health club like creativity studio for all the artsy folks living along the I-680 where they can drop in and for $50/hour pursue their creative desires. We’ll offer classes in pottery, gardening, needlepoint and magazine writing—sophomoric pieces emphasizing bathroom humor. As depressed as commercial real estate is in the Tri-Valley, I shouldn’t have any trouble finding a vacant retail or flex unit. I’ll find someone to negotiate a sweet deal for me. There’s got to be at least one landlord out there willing to trade stock options for rent. This year, I’m determined to supplement my income (never ruling out multi-level marketing as an option).
I resolve to dress better and pay attention to my overall hygiene at work. Somehow Casual Friday became Casual Everyday. While it used to be acceptable to sport Dockers and a Polo Shirt on the last workday of the week, I may have recently crossed the line. Last week, I wore my wife’s Victoria Secrets bathrobe and UGG boots to an inner office Power-Point presentation. Granted I looked “hot”, but my boss still wrote me up…. for being late. On those Friday’s before a long holiday weekend, I often took the liberty of not shaving, brushing my hair or applying cologne……or deodorant. Apparently, the term “going green” doesn’t apply to one’s teeth. This year, I’m determined not to scare off clients or co-workers with my impersonation of a UC Berkeley tree sitter.
I resolve to fulfill my New Year’s Resolutions. It would be easy to stick my chest out and brag to my bowling group about my resolutions list. I’m relatively certain that most of those guys didn’t make a list of New Year’s Resolutions. They would rather sit about and mock me. They are so jealous of my bowling abilities, my good looks and my celebrity status. At least that’s what my mom tells me. I bet no good Carl and Damon and Marc and Jeff and Tommy and Craig…….note to self, add stop being so competitive with guys in the bowling group to next year’s resolution list. Where was I? Oh yea, Resolution + Action Plan+ Execution = Results.
A resolution is by definition a thing determined upon, decision as to future action, a formal statement of determination by an assembly. If I truly resolve to change my life by accomplishing my resolutions I could move mountains. Isn’t that what Brett Farve did? Look at him. 2010 is going to be the best year ever and 2011 will be even better than that. I resolve to bring up my game and live life to the fullest for the next two years.
I might as well since the world is going to end in Twenty Twelve. Just ask a Mayan.