If I Was Santa

Santa is The Man! Everyone loves that jolly present bringing, sleigh driving, reindeer flying, carol singing, list reviewing, letter reading, stocking stuffing, cookie eating, Ho-ho-hoing, red suit wearing, giant elf- of-a-man during the holiday season.

By all outward appearances, Santa would seem to have a charmed life. He is loved by billions, has a palatial mansion located on sprawling estate (just like David Duffield), is married to his one and only love and successfully portrays the captain of industry as CEO of a prosperous business. However, look a little deeper and you might see a man struggling through midlife crises.

1. Being adorned by the entire world has its challenges, just ask Justin Bieber. You’re constantly hounded by fans and paparazzi, your every embarrassing guffaw is caught on video and replayed on YouTube the same day and did I mention the celebrity stalkers?
2. Santa’s sweet pad is located on the North Pole. The North Pole! Not real convenient if you need to get to Safeway, B of A, Starbucks or Baja Fresh. Does Comcast even service the North Pole?
3. When it comes to the ladies, I don’t want to be the one to say Santa’s got a wandering eye, but face it, he is a man. They don’t just make up songs like, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. There’s no question that he loves Mrs. Claus, but women throw themselves at him all in the hopes that he’ll stuff their stocking with something special.
4. Finally, running a year round multi-line manufacturing operation with worldwide distribution has got to be stressful. Think of the procurement issues, think workers comp and the HR nightmares connected with hundred year old elves.

Granted, Santa is one cool cat, but don’t let perceptions fool you until you’ve walked a mile in his red and white Uggs.

We can all agree that Tim Allen turned in an Oscar worthy performance portraying Kris Kringle in The Santa Clause movie trilogy, but what would any of us do if we got to try on the big red suit and take on the job of Santa for a day? I, for one, would keep tradition alive. For instance, I would maintain a rigidly strict Naughty and Nice list. There has got to be consequences if you’re going to go off the deep end and have a meltdown during the year. Kids are you reading this? Accountability means rewarding the nice kids and totally blowing off the naughty kids. Here’s a quick N&N list off the top of my head.
Naughty – Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, the entire Lohan family, politicians (Republicans and Democrats), mean people and terrorists.

Nice – Chilean minoers, every player, coach and front office person connected with the San Francisco Giants, Bono, Bill and Melissa Gates, teachers and every person serving in our armed forces.

If I was Santa, I would make more public appearances throughout the year so everyone believed in me. Children’s imagination is important, but sometimes you have to meet people. Izzy S. 12, Danville.

If I was Santa, I would breed Rudolf. We could use more flying reindeer. Tiffany R., Danville

If I was Santa, I would patent the Reindeer powered sleigh. How long will it be before Toyota is cranking out hybrid sleighs at the Nummi plant in Fremont and taking all the credit for another environmentally efficient “aka – Green” breakthrough? Santa has been using magic dust, reindeer poop and simple lift versus thrust antler aerodynamics for years and he deserves some recognition for that alternative energy discovery. The intellectual property rights along could go for hundreds of millions of dollars not to mention the value of stock options if he put together a VC backed start-up company and went the IPO route.

If I was Santa, I would spread the holiday out. Hanukkah has the right idea utilizing eight nights. We should make Christmas at least a week which would give Santa more time to deliver all those presents. One night to hit every house in the world is stretching it a bit thin. Lisa W. 50, Walnut Creek

If I was Santa, I would make sure every child had a present under the tree even if they didn’t have a tree. Christina D. 33, San Ramon.

If I was Santa, I would wipe out everyone’s debt. It would be so nice to begin Christmas morning with a financially clean slate. David R., Danville.

If I was Santa, I would learn how to fly like a superhero so that I could give the reindeer a water and food break once in a while on Christmas Eve. Jessica F. 11, Danville

If I was Santa, I would wrap a Victoria Secret model up and place her under Matt’s tree. Matt M. 26, Danville.

If I was Santa, I would bring the Raider fans a Super Bowl victory. Santa was obviously paying attention to Giant’s fans last year seeing how he just delivered San Francisco a World Series. Dave B. 44, Walnut Creek.

If I was Santa, I would deliver family members to all military service men and women who aren’t able to be home with their family during the holidays because they are protecting our country & freedom! Julie L. 40, Dublin

If I was Santa, I might start thinking about a pre-season conditioning program. Much like the National Football League with all of their off season mini-camps and organized team activities (OTA’s), Christmas has become so huge that you’ve got to arrive at camp in shape. Chances are, the North Pole probably has a 24 Hour Fitness facility. I would hire a personal elf trainer to set up a cardio and weight training program that would allow me to shed some weight, shape and tone. I would even be open to taking a yoga class or two. After that, I would start modifying my diet to reduce the carbs and high caloric goodies such as hot chocolate with whipped cream, fruit cake and egg nog. Having Santa like proportions myself, I’ve recently made the same commitment to health and fitness. Hey, maybe we could be work out partners.

If I was Santa, I would go on a diet. He’s not a big as those people on The Biggest Loser show, but if he keeps eating cookies he might be one day. Olivia P. 12, Danville

If I was Santa, I would shave off my beard. Men don’t really have beards anymore and it makes him look really old. Nicole C. 11, Danville

If I was Santa, I would bring Lou Wolfe, the A’s owner, the MLB rights to move his team to San Jose. I would also handsomely distribute coal to everyone involved in our legal and political systems. Gabe A. 40, Alamo.

If I was Santa, I would make a few changes to my toy making facility simply to be more efficient. What’s the old saying, if you’re not getting ahead you’re falling behind. I’m not saying Mr. Clause doesn’t know his stuff, I’m simply suggesting old he might consider hiring IBM or Accenture to perform a needs analysis of his overall operation in this environment of enterprising technology and outsourcing.

Oh, who am I kidding? Santa is doing just fine. He’s the man behind the magic of the holiday season. Keep doing what you’re doing St. Nick and if it’s not too much trouble, would you bring me a new bike. I’ve been real good this year. Just ask Eric Johnson, my editor at Alive.