It Might Be a Bad Valentine’s Day if…

Valentine’s Day can be a day full of romantic bliss or a crazy hot mess if the circumstances aren’t right. Cards, candy, flowers, perfume/cologne, jewelry, and lingerie are all purchased and presented as a way of commemorating love between partners. But what happens if a couple is at a crossroads in their relationship on this pressure-packed day of heightened love expectations?

Valentine’s Day, or Saint Valentine’s Day, is celebrated annually on February 14th. It is recognized as a significant cultural, religious and commercial celebration of romance and romantic love in many regions around the world. Mr. Hallmark made a fortune off this one holiday alone, although he did pretty well on a few of the others too, but I’m pretty sure Valentine’s Day bought him that house in the Hamptons, the private plane, and paid for his kids’ college educations.  

If a couple is at a rocky point in their relationship on 2/14, one partner or the other might receive a less-than-desirable selection of gifts and gestures. To get a female prospective, I collaborated with the popular Michigan humorist, Kelly McCall. Kelly and I spent hours discussing the various turning points or signs indicating it might be a bad Valentine’s Day. Additionally, the love doctor, DVA, also provided some valuable insights. Dr. DVA outlined specific indicators that the romance train might be headed off the tracks. Like any train wreck, a bad Valentine’s Day can leave a lot of twisted metal and carnage.

Ladies, if the Christmas gifts you received included a vacuum, iron and a new Swifter mop, your Valentine’s Day gift expectations are probably set pretty low, however, it might be a bad Valentine’s Day if…

• Your partner announces he won’t be home tonight because of an “absolutely can’t miss” Corn Hole match.

• The wrapped box you think is perfume turns out to be Cascade dishwasher detergent tabs.

• The sexy lingerie you were hoping to get is actually a night shirt with Kim Kardashian’s body superimposed on it.

• The beachfront stroll you envisioned ends up being a barefoot hike through the Martinez landfill.

• You asked for something that would take your breath away and he bought you a treadmill.

• The card you receive is a Birthday card with “Birthday” scratched out and replaced with “Valentine’s Day” written in Crayon. 

• Your See’s candy box is filled with gum and breathe mints.

• The bouquet of roses and baby’s breath you were expecting looks suspiciously like dandelions and poison oak.

• The new Spotify playlist you received includes the following songs; 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon, Goodbye to You by Scandal, End of the Road by Boyz II Men and We are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift.

• The attractive new luggage set you received includes a one-way ticket to the moon. It’s gives new meaning to the term, “I love you to the moon.”

• The CorePower Yoga membership you were hoping for was replaced by a membership to Big Booty Bootcamp.

• You receive a size 2 outfit from Lululemon, but you wear a size 10 and his only response is, “A guy can dream can’t he?”

• When prompted for a handcrafted gift, your partner responds by saying, “Pull my finger.”

Men, if for your last anniversary you were hoping for a romantic tropical vacation somewhere and she bought you a ticket to Cabo, but her ticket was to Hawaii, your expectations are probably set pretty low, however, it might be a bad Valentine’s Day if…

• Your partner announces she won’t be home tonight because of an “absolutely can’t miss” book club.

• Knowing you like to read too, the books your partner shares with you include How to Get Out of an Unhappy Marriage, After the Affaire and Your Brother is Better.

• The jewelry she bought you came with an inscription, Do Not Resuscitate.

• The Valentine’s Day Card left on your pillow is addressed to someone else.

• The romantic comedy your partner suggests you watch together is “The Break-up” starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn.

• At the restaurant your partner selected, your reservation came in the form of “Now serving Number 45” and instead of a wine list, your drink choices are small, medium, and large.

• The new bed you were talking about getting is, in actuality, bunk beds and your partner calls “I got bottom” once it’s delivered.

• The fun double date you were looking forward turns out to be with your in-laws.

• The candle you receive smells like a smoldering tire fire.

• Your traditional box of chocolates was replaced with a celery and carrot tray from Safeway.

• Your partner receives a wreath of flowers and the card reads, “Our Condolences”.

We’re confident that a small segment of our readers will fall into this “Bad Valentine’s Day” category, however if your holiday evening includes snuggling by the fire and reading through your life insurance policies, it might be a bad Valentine’s Day. If the petals have fallen off the proverbial bloom then maybe it’s time to spice things up to regain that lost chemistry. Be creative and take some chances when it comes to infusing some heat into your relationship. The name of the game is coupling and that takes two to Tango. Speaking of Tango, the forbidden dance, signing up for dancing lessons is just one potential outside-the-box Valentine gift idea. If, however, this does turn out to be a bad Valentine’s Day, there’s always next year.