Dealing with change is an ongoing issue in all of our lives. Therefore, understanding our own personal style of dealing with various aspects of change—beginnings, middles, and endings—can be helpful. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld in his book, SeinLanguage, shares an insightful and humorous story called “Dining Out” that inspired me to come up with the following scenario. This example should shine some light on how many of us unconsciously react to beginnings, middles, and endings.
First, imagine that we’re going to share a meal in a Chinese restaurant with a group of friends. Envision a scene where we are all in the restaurant gathered around a table. Get a sense of how hungry we all are. During this beginning stage of the meal, everyone pores over the menu, and there’s HIGH energy flowing as we consider what delicious dishes to order and share. With great delight, we negotiate and anticipate all the various flavors of the forthcoming meal. Lightness and laughter fill the air as we each think to ourselves—this will be the greatest meal ever!
Without a second thought, we order a round of drinks and exotic appetizers. While sipping the drinks and nibbling the appetizers, we continue our progression into this middle stage of the dining experience. At this point, we jovially debate with our friends over which entrees look best. The waiter then takes our order, while we longingly gaze at the photographs of the various dishes that are featured in the menu. Our eyes occasionally dart from the menu to the other waiters who are walking by with large trays of steaming aromatic plates of food. At this point we’re still sipping our drinks and crunching the appetizers, however, we can hardly wait until our entrees arrive!
When the entrees arrive, our energetic enthusiasm continues to escalate while we smell the incredible scents wafting across the table from each meticulously seasoned dish.
“Oh my—this is a feast!” one friend chortles with eyes wide.
Amidst a flurry of plate passing and stimulating conversation, the meal is quickly devoured. Twenty or so minutes go by, and the inevitable happens…the meal comes to an end. At this point, the garnishes no longer appear elegant—they now look half-eaten or wilted.
During this ending stage of the meal, we slump back, loosen our belts, and let out exhausted sighs. With glazed eyes, we look at the napkins on the table, which are tattered and crumpled into stained paper balls. (And, as Seinfeld reminds us, in the “old days” we probably would have witnessed a cigarette butt lodged in the leftover rice.) Oi vey…
Not surprisingly, as we stare at the ravaged dishes before us, we don’t think we will ever eat again…and the thought of food is no longer even remotely attractive.
“Why did I eat that last egg roll?” someone bellyaches across the table (buyer’s remorse is beginning to set in).
“Whose crazy idea was it to order so many darn noodle dishes?” another person grumbles while shifting uncomfortably in his/her seat.
And, that’s about the time when we receive…the check. Through low muffled tones, we communicate our disbelief about the final amount of “the check” and alas—our perky and enthusiastic tones, which were rampant during the initial HIGH stages of the “dining experience,” are now…nowhere to be found.
We sheepishly pass the check around…and around…the table whispering, “Is this right? How can this be?”
As we continue mumbling to one another, we finally agree upon how much tip to leave. On that note, the curtain closes and the lights dim.
~ : ~
Can you relate to this exaggerated, but undeniably common, dining scenario? Clearly, our unconscious behaviors in everyday situations offer us many opportunities to giggle about how our humanness “shows up” in our lives. And, although giggling and humor are absolutely valid stress reducers, practicing mindfulness is an additional way that we can enhance our everyday health and wellbeing.
Living mindfully asks us to awaken and learn to be aware in each moment. We practice tuning in to life with all of our senses—seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching…and listening with our hearts.
By contrast, the dining scenario example illustrates how, when we lack mindfulness, we may continually struggle with disappointments in our lives and miss out on simply being in the moment. Did you notice how there was little mindfulness of “being in the moment” expressed during the example? Even while we were sipping drinks and eating appetizers we were thinking about what entrees to order (watching other people’s dishes go by on platters) and fantasizing about how great our upcoming entrees were going to taste (future thinking).
And during the ending of the meal, gratitude for the experience, or an appreciation for feeling full, wasn’t in the mix. Isn’t it amazing how much time many of us spend thinking about the future or the past—ironically missing the most important moment…now.
Let’s scale our dining example down for a moment, and think about mindfulness as it relates to drinking a cup of tea (we’ll start small). Imagine practicing staying fully present during the beginning, the middle, and the ending of the tea-drinking experience. For example, we can practice staying present while heating the water and steeping the tea (beginning), drinking the tea (middle), and after the last sip is received, being mindful of how we’re feeling while placing the empty cup into its saucer (ending).
The opposite of mindfulness is being asleep in our lives. We may be tuned in to our minds (thoughts), but we may be asleep when it comes to our bodily responses or our emotional responses. In this way, we often resist change or endings and notice feelings of disappointment after the tea is gone, rather than embracing a moment of gratitude for the tea. Meanwhile, if we focus only on our negative responses to the ending stage, then we miss enjoying the pleasurable warmth of the tea in our stomachs.
In addition, if we are prone to possessing exceptionally high or perfectionistic expectations, then we will undoubtedly struggle with all three stages of change—the beginnings, middles, and endings. For this reason, life will continually have a difficult time ever measuring up to the “perfect fantasies” in our minds. As a “recovering perfectionist” myself, practicing mindfulness has become an important tool that I continue to be grateful for in my daily life.
In 1979, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn developed the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center. Since its introduction, MBSR has become a complementary holistic method offered for a variety of health challenges. Studies regarding MBSR’s effectiveness have shown that, for a majority of participants, pain-related drug use decreased, whereas activity levels and feelings of self-esteem increased.
For this reason, through meditation and hypnotherapy during private sessions, I teach clients how to reduce stress by becoming more mindful. When we’re listening, our somatic or bodily responses offer important messages. Unfortunately, when these messages are ignored the symptoms often become louder and may include an escalation of pain in an attempt to get our attention.
We might think of pain (emotional and physical) as nature’s way of sounding a warning alarm. Just as our minds sometimes hold unaddressed memories and traumas—so do our bodies. Frozen or stuck feelings and memories can create a sense of dis-ease in the mind and the body. When left unaddressed, these memories and traumas may eventually manifest in the form of stress-related diseases.
During private sessions, clients talk with me about challenging situations in their lives—including when they felt fear, judgment, anger, disappointment, or sadness. After compassionately listening, I often ask, “Where in your body (right now) are you experiencing these feelings?” Inviting clients to tune in to their bodily responses (negative as well as positive responses) gives them an opportunity to mindfully:
- Quiet their thoughts
- Come home to the present moment
- Listen to their bodies
- Begin to discharge unhealthy energies
- Connect with their inner wisdom
Inspired by the positive results I see in many of my clients’ lives, I recently created a newsletter, “Trina’s Transformational Tips for Mindful Living.” (Subscribing information is at the end of this article.) This newsletter will be filled with practical information, stress-reducing tips, announcements of my upcoming workshops, and much more (including my butterfly painting logo).
So, as we wind down our mindfulness topic…if it feels right, consider taking a nice, deep breath right now and coming home to this one and only precious moment. As you take another breath, notice if there are any scents in the air. Consider whether you are in a beginning, middle, or ending stage of your day? How’s your body feeling right now? Would shifting a bit add to your comfort?
When you’re ready, broaden your focus by looking around and becoming aware of what is surrounding you. See if you can simply be with what is—right now. Ahhh…and that was a tiny taste of practicing mindfulness.
Finally, when we practice staying present—during beginnings, middles, and endings—we tune in to our mind-body-spirit wholeness and mindfully embrace change…one moment at a time.
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