It’s the first Thursday of the month, and I’ve been invited to attend a book club meeting at, of all places, the North Pole. That’s right, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, Pelznicole, has invited me to be a guest author at his monthly Book Club to promote my third book, Alive & Thrivin’: A Thrillogy of a Trilogy. Santa’s book club also includes Mrs. Clause, Frosty the Snowman, Winter Warlock, Yukon Cornelius, and Hermey the Misfit Elf—an eclectic crew to say the least, and candidly, I didn’t even know Frosty could read with two eyes made out of coal. Apparently the North Pole Book Club just finished Where the Crawdads Sing and Frosty said it brought him to tears or little ice cubes.
Santa has invited me to the Pole as the first stop on a soon-to-begin exhaustive book signing tour that includes stops at every garage sale, flea market, and thrift store on the West Coast. Many of my readers (none) should remember that my first Book, Alive & Kickin’ came out in 2012 which was followed up three years late by Alive & Chillin’ in 2015. Not surprisingly, the critics panned both paperback offerings as nonsensical gibberish, only suitable for cleaning up puppy accidents. Never one to let educated professionals dampen my spirit, I kept churning out mildly humorous monthly pieces, and six years later I assembled enough material for my third compilation book, Alive & Thrivin’.
It was apparently Mrs. Claus who selected my book as the book club’s December reading assignment. Santa thought it would be a nice holiday surprise to bring me in as a surprise guest, given that Mrs. Claus is apparently a big fan. During introductions, Jessica Claus gave me an awkwardly long hug, which didn’t go unnoticed by the big guy. I quickly changed into my new suit from Cassara’s Italian Menswear in Dublin, California, and gathered the book club group together in front of the fire. The Claus’ palatial penthouse is situated directly above the elves’ workshop, and if I listened really carefully, I could hear the pounding of little hammers building toys.
After reading excerpts from several of my more popular pieces and leading the group in a medley of Christmas Carols, I opened the floor for a Q & A session.
Hermey: So, Mike this is book number three? I never saw the first two, but what more could you possibly have to say/write?
Me: Aren’t you the elf that wants to be a dentist? I always have plenty to say, write and color. This book is full of tantalizing humor pieces, fascinating personality profiles, and a really hard Sudoku puzzle. The new book is so much better than the first two books, (although that’s not setting the bar very high). As always, I touch on topics such as holidays, music, travel, aging, parenting, and holidays. I could probably release an entire book on just the holiday pieces I’ve written. It would be called, wait for it….. Alive & Holidayin’.
Winter Warlock: I will admit your writing has improved over the years. A noticeably more mature level of insights has replaced your moronic sixth-grader sense of humor. Are you dying?
Me: No, I’m not dying. Are you? As my readership demographic has matured from buying baby diapers to buying adult diapers, I’ve had to expand my horizons and give the people what they want; namely, old people stuff. Since I bet no one under the age of 50 (maybe 60) regularly reads my articles in ALIVE, I had to find new ways to entertain my hardcore fans—and fart jokes just don’t cut it anymore.
Yukon Cornelius: You’re obviously not as heavy/fat as some of your past Facebook photos, have you been dieting or are you dying?
Me: I’m NOT Dying! And you could stand to lose a few pounds yourself. You don’t get this ripped without putting some serious effort into an American Ninja Warrior type fitness routine (PEDs). I’ve been a member of Gymboree for 34 years and I’m still allowed to attend occasional (supervised) Zumba classes at 24 Hour Fitness. I’ve also been focusing on a stricter nutritional regiment (PEDs). Additionally, to find my Zen place, I like to hike at Lafayette Reservoir where nature meets nurture (PEDs).
Mrs. Claus: I’ve read that you draw inspiration from your inner circle of friends; many of whom give you feedback on past articles and often provide inspiration for a new piece.
Me: I’m very fortunate to be surrounded by very intelligent friends who are well versed in sarcasm, glib observations, and are genuinely funny. They constantly bring out the best in me. Shout out to RP, BH, MM, BC, GT, MG, DVA, JA, MC, HC, CC, and SC – Santa Claus.
Frosty: Can you believe we’re at the North Pole and you’re speaking at a book club meeting above Santa’s Workshop? Is this the best book signing you’ve ever been invited to as an author?
Me: This is really incredible. I didn’t even think Santa got my letters, let alone read them. Other than an appearance at the Danville Rotary’s Black Bear Diner Dinner, this comes in a close second. Even my publisher, Eric Johnson at Alive, thinks I’m a big deal now. None of the other ALIVE writers received an invitation to appear at the Pole.
Never being one to overstay my welcome, I thanked everyone from coming and asked Santa to order me an UBER sleigh ride home. As we walked to the curb, Santa pulled me aside and said, “Mike, I have become a big fan of your monthly offerings in ALIVE magazine and, like the incomparable columnist Dave Berry before you, I believe there is a market for these type of humorous compilation books. I hope everyone reading this article will support you as a local author, businessman, and fundraiser. Ho, Ho, Ho!”
How’s that for a testimonial? I can now count Santa “freakin’” Claus as a fan.
Selfishly, my book will make a really great belated holiday gift (since it won’t be released until after Christmas), so I suggest giving them a regifted fruitcake to hold them over until it appears on Amazon.
Then, I encourage everyone to purchase a copy of my new book or reach out to me at copeland@aliveeastbay.com, to acquire all three books to complete your thrillogy of a trilogy collection.
I will even sign and hand deliver them free of charge… within a 5 mile radius. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
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