Unspoken, painful feelings often lurk quietly in the shadows of our primary relationships. These unaddressed hurts and frustrations may silently create a wall—brick by brick—that blocks feelings of closeness.
For instance, do you have a friend who calls you to tell you how angry she is at her husband, son, daughter, or sister? You probably listen patiently as your friend rants and raves about someone’s behavior that hurt her. After you listen for a while and empathize, do you ever suggest that she talk to the person she’s upset with and let him/her know she’s disappointed, hurt, or whatever?
If your friend is uncomfortable with confrontation, then she’ll probably “vent” to you (and her other confidants) as a way to avoid sharing her vulnerability directly with the people with whom she’s upset. She’ll “blow off steam” with everyone except the person she’s upset with.
Can you relate? I can. And, the truth is, most of us have likely been on both sides of this communication dynamic — sometimes as the “ventor” and other times as the “ventee.”
Unfortunately, sharing vulnerabilities directly through communication is a skill not often handed down from one generation to the next. Instead, what is commonly handed down is a major barrier that blocks healthy and direct communication: triangulation.
As the word implies, triangulation happens when communication is indirect, behind someone’s back, and involves three people (thus creating a triangle). Triangulation becomes an over-used form of communication when someone lacks the awareness or skill to directly communicate personal feelings and needs to another person. In this way, triangulation becomes the opposite of heart-to-heart talks.
In my private practice, I often teach my clients assertive communication. Direct communication — assertiveness — is a skill, like a muscle, that needs to be developed and strengthened before we leave the gym and “take it on the road.” And of course, it’s important to consciously decide when to let “the small stuff” go and focus on issues that feel truly important.
Speaking your truth with compassion and honesty requires great courage. As you have undoubtedly noticed — speaking your truth with a loved one is no easy endeavor. Getting up the nerve to have a revealing heart-to-heart talk is stressful.
One reason for not pursuing a needed heart-to-heart talk is a fear that doing so will damage or end the relationship. Or, you may simply be afraid that you will hurt the other person’s feelings. Although these reasons may or may not have some validity, the danger is that when you repeatedly avoid the important heart-to-heart talks, the resentments may pile up and eventually cause a decline in the quality of the relationship.
However, when you trade “triangular communications” for a compassionate, assertive communication style, you courageously heighten the authenticity in your life. In addition, you develop direct connections with others and allow in deeper levels of emotional intimacy. Disengaging from indirect communication—and triangulation—awards you the opportunity to speak from your heart and strengthen your sense of personal empowerment.
If you feel that it’s time to heighten or refine your communication skill set, then consider contacting me about Assertiveness Training. My Assertiveness Training offers interactive communication exercises that are educational as well as inspirational. During the training, you can practice communicating assertively in the safe environment of my office. Humor and playfulness are integral parts of this important educational process.
In addition, through hypnotherapy experiences, you will receive an opportunity to strengthen your connection to your own inner wisdom and authentic voice. As a result, you’ll learn how to communicate with others by speaking compassionately from the heart. Thus, inviting the isolating “walls of silence” … to tumble down.
Join Trina and attend her Walnut Creek workshop for women and men: Managing Emotional and Compulsive Eating—John Muir Women’s Health Center: Wednesday, October 17, 6:30-8:30 pm. Cost: $40. Seats are limited—register today for this inspiring workshop: (925) 941-7900 option 3. For more info, go to www.TrinaSwerdlow.com & click on “Private Sessions & Workshops.”
Trina Swerdlow, BFA, CCHT, is a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, an artist, and the author and illustrator of Stress Reduction Journal. She currently has a private practice in downtown Danville. You can reach her at: (925) 285.5759, or info@TrinaSwerdlow.com.
Certified Clinical Hypnotherapy services in California can be alternative or complementary to licensed healing arts, such as psychotherapy.
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