I’ve got a splitting headache from banging my head against my computer screen trying to think of something to write for the August issue of ALIVE. Sadly, I had hoped the blunt force trauma would spurn some new ideas, but alas, it’s only triggered more concussion-like symptoms. What was I saying? This writer’s block thing seems to happen every year around this time. After a couple family vacations, some crazy 4th of July shenanigans and a block party or two (#culetdrive), my creative tank has run out of gas. Plus, once you’re over fifty, most men struggle with memory issues. To be completely honest, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast let alone what I’ve written about over the last ten years, unless I access my massive article scrapbook. Yes, I scrapbook. Don’t judge me.
As many of you know, if I’m away on assignment, the Chief (aka Eric Johnson), has, at times, rerun a former article because there’s not a real high likelihood a lot of current ALIVE readers actually saw or read the article when it originally came out. I’m only guessing, since I never get any reader feedback. While I’m on that topic, my ALIVE email address must be printed incorrectly as it’s been approximately twenty-seven months since I received any fan mail. Suffice it to say, and I do love saying “suffice it,” I could probably rerun Summer’s Writer’s Block Volumes 1-4 and be relatively safe no one has read them, however I have way too much integrity for such shenanigans. Shenanigans is my new favorite word. So, without further ado, the following is my annual collection of random summer thoughts instead of a long rambling piece on one specific subject or topic. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Age Appropriate Attire – If you’re a man over 50, you really shouldn’t be wearing a tank top/muscle T, ripped jeans, a team jersey with another man’s name on it, or your ball cap turned backwards. You look ridiculous. There, I said it. “Sun’s out/guns out” is a fashion statement that should only be used by younger men like Zac Efron (28), Jimmy Garoppolo (26), Michael B. Jordan (29), or Jake (13), the kid who mows our lawn. As a sophisticated gentleman in my mid-50s, much like George Clooney pre-scooter accident, my wardrobe compliments my rocking Dad-bod. My lounge-wear is a little more stylish and laidback than my work attire, but I don’t try to front like some British fancyman in his 30s. The Idle Man publication says men over 50 should focus on fit and colors, with a splash of accessories, rather than trends. Sage advice! It’s why I shop at Forever 51 and buy sensible shoes at Nordstrom (for their generous return policy). Ultimately, my strategy is to dress my age and have my colors done.
Social Media Awareness – If you’re a man over 50, you really shouldn’t be on Snapchat, Instagram or even Twitter. You look ridiculous. There, I said it. Stick with Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest, and Foursquare like the rest of us dinosaurs. Leave the other sites to the millennial generation. “Snap me” is a term that should only be used by Justin Bieber (24), Draymond Green (28) or Palmer Luckey (23)—(Google him). As a tech-challenged suburban gentleman, I stick to what I know and what I know is Open Table, Words with Friends and on occasion, Fandango. They may not be social media sites, but they allow me to be social with my friends, family, and co-workers. You won’t find me on Tinder, but please don’t hesitate to “Friend Me” and Like my crazy kitten posts on Facebook.
Giving is Living – If you’re a man over 50, you really should spend some time volunteering. The second half of life should include giving back to your community. Sharing is caring. There, I said it. Once your kids are at an age where they don’t need/want you around like they did when they were younger, there is a tendency to get sad, lonely and bored. All are terms that I relate to as an empty nest dad myself. One surefire way to overcome these understandably normal emotions is to volunteer, and there are countless volunteer opportunities all around us. As a way to fill my empty hours, I’ve done everything from a single shift at the Alameda County Food Bank to coaching several seasons with the San Ramon Valley T-Birds. Volunteering is an easy and fulfilling way to spend time with incredible people doing something worthwhile. The SPCA is always looking for pet friends, East Bay Regional Park District has monthly trail rejuvenation projects, and the annual Run for Education needs field marshals for their upcoming fundraising run. Even if none of those volunteer opportunities float your boat, just surf the (non-porn) web to find something that appeals to you. Volunteering can give you a sense of purpose, expand your friend and business contact networks, and just get your butt off the couch and out of the house for a few hours. Your spouse will thank you and me.
Music Playlists – If you’re a man over 50 and you have an iTunes, Spotify, or Pandora playlist, listen to whatever the hell you want. There, I said it. Music is so subjective and should be left to one’s individual taste. I, myself, still like the classic rock of Def Leppard, Fleetwood Mac, and Journey along with the more timely stylings of a John Mayer, Keith Urban, and Michael Franti. Now, unlike most of my Tri Valley suburban dad peers, I can also appreciate newer artists such as Childish Gambino, Post Malone, and Halsey (who most of you have never heard of) along with the more pop stylings of Ed Sheeran, Bruno Mars, or Florence and the Machine (who I hope some of you have heard of). Music of any genre has no age boundaries and should be appreciated as art. Now concerts are something else completely, as I much prefer the intimate confines of a club or small venue to the craziness of an arena or amphitheater show. Call me old, but you couldn’t pay me enough Bitcoin to attend Outside Lands, Snow Globe, or Bottle Rock. I can only imagine what a s*#t show the three-day Coachella Music Festival would be when jostling with 250,000 people for a place to stand and watch one of the 30 acts daily. No thank you, I say!
Being the music aficionado I am, I love music trivia. Did you know that more songs have been written about Saturdays than any other day of the week? You’ve undoubtedly heard Saturday in the Park by Chicago, Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting) by Sir Elton John and S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y by the Bay City Rollers. These are rowdy, whoop-it-up anthems primed for going out and having a good time. Guess what day comes in second? Mondays, probably because Mondays are the opposite of Saturdays, drab and depressing. Songs such as I don’t like Mondays by The Boomtown Rates, Just Another Manic Monday by The Bangles, Rainy Days and Mondays by The Carpenters and Monday/Monday by The Mamas & The Papas are all pretty sad and depressing. There are songs written and recorded about every day of the week including Ruby Tuesday, Waiting for Wednesday and Thursday’s Child, but Fridays and Sundays get more than their share of airplay with songs such as Last Friday Night, Friday I’m in Love with You and Friday on my Mind, to go along with Sunday Bloody Sunday, Sunday Papers and Sunday Morning. You might ask yourself, “Self, why is he sharing this with me?” No reason, just filler to get me to my word count. I’m full of shenanigans.
Shenanigans – If you’re a man over 50, a certain amount of shenanigans should be part of your summer. There, I said it. I’m not saying “cop-calling” shenanigans, but don’t’ be afraid to cut loose and have a little fun from time to time. A few ideas include seeing live comedy at Tommy T’s instead of another movie at the local megaplex, enjoying a game night with friends or renting the movie Game Night. You don’t even need little ones to enjoy a romantic overnight campout. Make it a goal to attend one of the free concerts playing almost every weekend somewhere along the I-680 corridor Before the summer ends, walk barefoot on freshly cut lawn, wash your car shirtless or invite your neighbor over for a margarita and game of doorbell ditch. For gosh sakes, enjoy your summer like you did when you were young.
I would like to thank you all for struggling with me through this year’s version of my annual writer’s block dribble. If my words provide you with just a small pleasant distraction to your otherwise busy and stressful day then I have done my job, which really isn’t a job at all. It’s more like a hobby or craft project for my scrapbook. There, I said it. Suffice it to say, how do you like those shenanigans?
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