Tax Time (aka April Madness)

“Our new Constitution is now established,and has an appearance that promises permanency; but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes”                                                                        —Benjamin Franklin

The month of April is synonymous with Tax Time. As everyone over the age of ten, maybe 9 (child labor laws), knows, April 15^th is the last day to file your tax return for the previous year. That is… if you pay taxes. Personally, I’ve been living off the grid for the last few years. That’s why I don’t use my real name for these silly articles. However, if you do pay taxes, like a vast majority of the country, the next few weeks is a chaotic time as we frantically attempt to get our tax returns gathered, finished and filed during that period of the year commonly known as “Tax Time,” or, “April Madness.”

By definition, taxes are money people and businesses must pay to support the government. We all understand that as U.S. citizens it is our responsibility to pay for essential services such as our armed forces, police and fire departments, public school educators,  the maintenance for our city, state and national parks and various other not-so-appreciated expenses (elected official salaries), but that doesn’t mean we like it. I’m probably not the only one who feels like I pay way too much in taxes. It hurts to give away my hard earned money. It’s like passing a kidney stone when I mail that check to the IRS. In fact, I may just mail my actual kidney stone in with this year’s tax return. Can you write off a kidney stone as a charitable contribution?

Thanks to the crackerjack research staff at Alive Magazine (me, surfing Wikipedia), I could take this opportunity to explain the complicated history of taxation in the United States and quote various state and federal tax laws, but I might fall asleep at my keyboard. Normally that’s not a big deal, but I’m I hammering out this article on my smartphone while driving to see my accountant so a nap could be dangerous. I will tell you that in 1862, in order to support the Civil War effort, Congress enacted the nation’s first income tax law. It was a forerunner of our modern income tax, in that it was based on the principles of graduated, or progressive, taxation and of withholding income at the source. Additionally, The Act of 1862 established the office of Commissioner of Internal Revenue. In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution made the income tax a permanent fixture in the U.S. tax system. #taxes.

Taxes come in a variety of shapes and sizes. On a regular basis, we are subjected to state and federal income tax, sales tax, inheritance tax, personal property tax, estate tax, TicTacs (a tiny but effective breath freshener) and taxidermy. Somewhere out there a creepy guy is stuffing a dead possum in his parent’s garage apartment knowing he’ll have to pay income tax on his next big sale. His customer, another creepy guy who acquires taxidermy road kill for resale, knows he’ll have to pay sales tax on his petrified dead animal purchase. Fortunately, both creepy buyer and seller have tax loop-holes, allowing them a certain amount of business write-offs for their slightly twisted obsession.

It’s a little known fact that the notorious gangster, Al Capone, eventually went to prison for tax evasion and not one of the many more serious crimes (murder, arson, extortion and racketeering) he was suspected of committing as a gangster in the 1930s. An equally interesting, while lesser- known fact, is that in the final years of Capone’s life, he suffered mental deterioration due to late-stage syphilis. I doubt however that that had anything to do with his tax issues, but we’ll never know for sure.

When I think of the job or occupation I would most like to pursue, Tax Man was never high on my list. Internal Revenue Service Auditor, Correspondence Examination Technician, Data Transcriber or Taxpayer Advocate Service, Contact Representative are all actual job openings at http://jobs.irs.gov/opportunities.com. Those tax career options ranked right up there with prison guard, long haul trucker, circus clown and septic tank pump operator on my list of jobs I was least likely to have in my lifetime. Come to think of it, I would rather be the prison guard of septic tank long haul truckers who wear clown make-up, than tell my friends I work for the IRS. With all due respect to the fine men and women who are employed by this valued governmental agency, the IRS makes a majority of my acquaintances nervous, anxious, nauseous and stressed-out. Suffice it to say, if I worked at the IRS, it would be just one more strike against me in my already difficult pursuit of friends.

When my Dad’s Night Out group of bowling buddies was recently asked what the first word that came to mind when I presented them with term, “tax time,” here were their responses;

Sucky                                     (Censored)                              irritating

(Censored)                              Anxiety                                   (Censored)

Extension                                Poopy                                     (Censored)

Crappy                                   (Censored)                              Resentful

(Censored)                              Agitated                                  Uncomfortable

(Censored)                              (Censored)                              (Censored)

Money                                    Tearful                                    Confused

Painful                                    Frustrating                             (Censored)

These guys may not be the most articulate, but they speak from the heart.

Conversely, when I informally polled a group of local accountants and bookkeepers about their response to the same “tax time” phrase, here were their responses;

Exhausting                             Stressful                                  Demanding

Lucrative                                (Censored)                              Poopy

Sleeplessness                          Complicated                           (Censored)

(Censored)                              Cha-Ching                             Necessary

Patient                                    Maddening                            Vacation

“Tax Time requires that I have very sensitive interpersonal skills, almost a gentle bed side manor. People tend to be nervous and on edge around tax time, especially those that think they are going to owe money. These are individuals that I have a personal relationship with and I truly do care about them. Unfortunately, the numbers are the numbers. “                     —AJ Major of Vavrinek, Trine, Day & Co., LLP

Tax Time is nothing anyone looks forward to, but it doesn’t have to be a time to dread either. As I see it, we all have two choices. We can; A) Turn the house and office upside down feverishly searching for every 2013 receipt and record in our possession, stuff them all into an accordion file, shoe box or garbage bag and then run down to our neighborhood H&R Block office to file our return on time, or, B) We can file an extension. Even though the extension simply pushes off the strain, pain and brain (damage) a few months, it can provide us the opportunity to get comfortably organized, thereby eliminating the April Madness brought on by Tax Time. Why not enjoy the start of spring this year?