Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced. Was it the wealth, the pressure or, after almost 28 years of marriage, did they simply pay off their mortgage and were ready to move on? We know about a dozen couples who have either separated or have gotten divorced after having been married somewhere between 20 and 30 years. Coincidently, the couples have about the same amount of time invested in their marriage as they do their home mortgages. This brings up an interesting concept called the “Mortgage Marriage” with the basic concept being that maybe a marriage should only last as long as a home mortgage? Paying off a 20, 25 or 30-year mortgage takes patience, dedication and resilience much like being in a marriage for that amount of time. For a variety of sensible reasons, not the least of which is simply that couple’s compatibility, chemistry and tolerance for each other often expires much the same way a declining home loan balance does over time.
“How did so many issues become such a big deal in the last two years that weren’t a big deal the first 25 years?” David – Separated after 27 years
The Mortgage Marriage contract is essentially a contract between two people that can be renewed or terminated at the end of a predetermined term. The union and contract ideally will start as love, but over time, it’s not uncommon for feelings to change, as do priorities, interests, responsibilities, goals, and the vision of the future. If, after the kids have become adults, should the love, intimacy and compatibility die out why not choose to pass on the Option to Extend and part as friends? Couples should be grateful for the 20 – 30 years they spent together, the family they raised and the home that they built, but still be willing to move on to the possibility of finding new love if they so desire. Granted, some couples are happy when their mortgage is paid off as they go into their twilight years having less financial obligation and more time together. Loving couples can certainly elect to extend the mortgage marriage contract indefinitely should they choose. On the other hand, couples could also choose to split the emotional and financial equity at the end of that term and amicably go their separate ways. Imagine that dream home you never really found or purchased; marriage can be somewhat the same. If you know in your heart that you didn’t marry the love of your life who’s to say he or she isn’t out there? Maybe you should keep looking. To quote the band Old Dominion, “Life is short, make it sweet”.
“My ex-husband and I are better friends now than when we were married. People change so much over time, especially married people.” Carol – divorced after 31 years of marriage.
I have heard, but not yet found, a statistic saying more couples today are divorcing after 25-30 years of marriage then between years 1 and 5. In the experiences of many friends, they all claim the first five years were relatively easy, but the later years have proven difficult. Years 1 – 5 are usually spent in a blissful stage of new experiences which includes establishing an emotional and financial foundation, building a couple friend base, putting a home together, traveling, developing a work/live routine and starting a family. Sadly, years 25 – 30 can be spent in an emotional isolation. One or both parties are often lonely and stressed living in what is often a joyless and sexless relationship if partners have drifted apart. It’s sad to think the only thing holding a couple together at that stage in life are their financial investments or not wanting to alter a perceived blissful family appearance.
From “A Year-by-Year Guide to Your Risk of Divorce” by Lauren Vinopal, Most couples now marry in their 30s, which means year 20 puts them in their 50s. The idea of divorcing in your 50s has become so common that, much like the seven-year itch, it now has its own name: gray divorce. Susan Brown of Bowling Green State University coined the term in response to the divorce rate of adults over 50 doubling between 1990 and 2010. “People don’t necessarily want to be married for all those years anymore,” Meyer says. Alternatively, this divorce spike may be coming from men and women who maintained a traditional marriage and family at the expense of their own happiness — and finally reached a breaking point. “A lot of people say, I’ve been unhappy for years, I don’t want to spend my last year’s unhappy,” Kessler says .
Marriage and Family Therapist, Paul P. says, “The negative characteristics of a long union include impatience, sarcasm, and criticism. Once one or both parties see marriage as a grind there’s usually a host of other problems, not the least of which are intimacy issues. In short, after 20 – 30 years of marriage, too much togetherness can lead to new life stresses, unresolved issues from the past, an inability or breakdown in healthy self-reflection and losing the joy of marriage. Many people call this “falling out of love”. Simple terms would describe this as personal journey into our heads away from our hearts. One can often harbor unresolved pain that does not find the path of forgiveness. With this happening, over time we start to see our life partner as a source of pain and defect and no longer the person we fell in love with so many years ago.”
The Adjustable Rate Mortgage Marriage
There’s a book out called The Five-Year Marriage by Ann Marie Kelly. http://www.fiveyearmarriage.com/ which is for anyone that thinks forever or “until death do us part” is impractical. The Adjustable Rate Mortgage Marriage would allow newlyweds to sign 5-10 year contracts which could be renewed at their expiration or you would be free to go anywhere you want with anyone you wanted with no prejudice or stigma. You’re obviously going to pay a higher interest rate for a more flexible term in this type of marriage mortgage. https://jasaala.wordpress.com/ja-saala-mind-foot/5-year-marriage-contract/.
Refinancing
Refinancing is a common mortgage phrase, but in this case it would apply to one of the partner’s finding they care about someone new while still technically in their marriage. It usually starts innocently enough, when two unhappy or unsatisfied individuals connect in some meaningful way. It could be with a friend, neighbor or business associate who shares common interests such as music, humor, sports or politics. Chemistry between to people usually stirs passion and desire. Refinancing romances can obviously create complications, but as the kids say, “the heart wants what the heart wants” and affairs very often lead to a second chance at love. Country music artist Shania Twain’s husband, Mutt Lange, fell in love with her married best friend. Once the divorces were finalized, not only did Mutt and Marie-Anne marry, but Shania eventually married Marie-Anne’s ex-husband, Frederick.
“I don’t think men and woman were meant to stay together forever. It’s not natural. There’s just too much underlying tension in most long marriages.” John – Divorced after 29 years of marriage.
The theme song for the Marriage Mortgage commercials would be “Love Done Gone” by country artist Billy Currington. The chorus goes a little something like this,
Like the dogwood blossoms in a late spring rain
All the disappearin’ bubbles in a glass of champagne
Like money in a slot machine
Don’t know what happened to you and me
It ain’t nothin’ we ever said or ever did wrong
It’s just love done gone
I’m not saying some couples are perfectly happy together in a 20, 25, 30 year or longer marriage, but more probably stay together because it’s just easier than the alternative. It takes courage to move on and face uncertainly, especially where there are kids, grandkids, a home, investments, finances and a variety of other things to consider. Some men and woman are lucky enough to find new love, but others aren’t and that can be a terribly lonely prospect. However, if everyone bought into the 20-30 year mortgage marriage idea, there might be a whole new attitude and world of possibilities without the pain and suffering an ugly divorce can create. Is your mortgage/marriage getting close to its maturity date?
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