The New Normal?

I bet it involves a mask

After virtually 15 months of living through COVID madness, COVID hysteria, COVID mania, it’s probably safe to say we’re all ready to get back to normal. That would be the new normal. Raise your hand if you have any idea what the new normal is these days? I wasn’t all that normal to begin with, but those are personal issues that I’m working on with my team. The new normal will undoubtedly involve masks—more on that later—but it may also still involve washing our hands, hand sanitizer, limited seating at entertainment-type events, not to mention working from home, restricted travel, and antisocial distancing. Please understand that I’m not making light of a global pandemic, however, I’m just ready to move on…..now that I got my double Pfizer vaccine and several hundred COVID preventative masks.  

Masks: It was a little over 15 months ago that if you walked into a bank wearing a mask the alarm would have been triggered and you’d be given a dye pack with your withdrawal. That’s a bank robber joke. Masks have become so commonplace you’d think we’d been wearing these things forever. That said, most days I still double back to my car to grab one of my collection of 28 masks that litter the floor of my car. I hate those things. If I never wore a mask again in my life, I’d be fine. Those damn things limit my free breathing of air, fog my glasses and spend more time as a chin diaper than an actual germ constrictor/restrictor. That said, I’ll wear my mask to the bank, gym, post office and grocery store until otherwise notified because it’s apparently against the law now and if I’m anything it’s a law-abiding citizen who will comply with the new normal mask laws.

Masks: I haven’t worn a mask to a movie since I dressed up as Frankfurter at the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was less a mask and more just a lot of makeup. How am I going to eat my tub of movie house popcorn if I must wear a surgical mask to the picture show? Most places allow you to remove your mask to eat, but then what’s the point of wearing it at all I ask? I guess I could wear a mask into and out of a sporting event or outdoor concert venue, but aren’t these people I’m coming and going with the same ones I’ll be sitting next to enjoying an adult beverage and legal inhalant? This new normal/wearing mask could be an annoyance.

Masks: What if I attend a wedding/funeral (sometimes a very similar event), a trade show or some other type of indoor participatory activity such as bowling, dancing or shopping? Do I wear my mask every time I walk through a door? What if I visit friends, go to my office and/or pick up a Mocha Frappa Al Pacino at Starbucks? My Alexa says YES, you must wear a mask until Siri says you can take it off or risk being arrested for indecent face exposure.  Masks are the new watches, but does anyone wear a watch anymore? I should invent a mask that tells time. Wait, don’t anyone steal my idea because it’s genius! Mask watches will be the new, new normal.

Masks: Some people, and you know who you are, don’t mind wearing masks. I’ve heard it said, masks have become so common place that it is now not normal to travel without a face condom. As we head into the summer months, it’s one thing to wear a mask in the winter or spring when there’s a cool marine layer, but just wait until it’s 110 degrees for a solid week in July and you have to do yard work or attend one of your kid’s sporting events wearing a thick wool mask with your tank-top, shorts and flip flops (my go-to summer attire). Oh yea, that will be fun. No trouble breathing when pollen and dust mix with a lethal dose of sweat. Those will be some good new normal times.

Masks: Doctors used to think they were so cool when they would come out of surgery with their masks on to give a concerned family good or bad news. Total GOD complex. Now everyone has 50 surgical masks in the glove compartment of their car. You can’t even pretend to be a doctor, not that I ever tried that lame come on…..very often. We now see masks on our favorite characters of television shows, streaming movies, sporting events and music videos. I’m pretty sure Micky and Minnie Mouse wear masks at Disneyland. I’ve heard that American Girl Dolls have a line of masks as do Lulu Lemon, Athletica, and every college and pro sports team, rock band, and popular liquor line. If Playboy was still in circulation, I’m confident the lovely ladies would make masks look sexy and appealing.  COVID masks, of one type or another, will likely be the new normal for years to come.

Masks: With Halloween just a few months away, masks will once again become of the cultural fabric, not that they aren’t already. I’ve been known to sport an occasional Mike Meyer’s Halloween mask, a catcher’s mask, a Kabuki mask (if my Kimono is clean and I’m feeling Kabukisih), and an occasional exfoliant mask for my sensitive skincare. None of these have the global appeal of the COVID-19 mask, but they are keeping with the new normal mask heavy theme of this article.

Masks: While I like to joke about the mask, and might even watch The Mask starring Jim Carey, I certainly understand the importance of maintaining preventative mask etiquette for the foreseeable future. That said, I’ll never be one of those people who wear a mask while driving alone in my car, walking on a deserted trail, taking a shower, or while on a ZOOM call. I don’t judge, that’s just not me. The “New Normal” will certainly involve mask wearing, but it could be worse. At least it’s not the flatulence pandemic several fortune tellers and psychics were predicting a few years ago. Just imagine that mask.

Side note: If you’re starting to feel like the Pfizer versus Moderna vaccines are reminiscent of the Blood and Crips drug battles from the 1980s, you’re not the only one. Poor Johnson & Johnson has got to feel like the lowly Latin Kings not getting any gang drug love. Maybe J&J needs to come out with a cool mask to get back in the nation’s good graces?