I love the New Year! It’s a fresh start, a blank canvas, a clean slate, a “Do Over,” if you will. The question on everyone’s mind undoubtedly is: Will it be a good new year or a bad new year? There is obviously an equal chance it could go either way, but 50/50 really isn’t bad odds. What I’ve come to realize is the direction our year will take usually depends on the subtle signs we’re getting just as the year is starting out. Once “the signs” start coming your way, you first have to recognize them and then, once it’s determined if it will be a Good year or Bad year, start making preparations.
These “signs” aren’t anything as obvious as a street sign or your daily horoscope based on an astrological sign. They are tenuous signs coming at you from different universal directions. If you were thinking there was a movie entitled Signs released in 2002, written and directed by M. NightShyamalan, you would be correct. However, the plot of that popular movie involved crop circles and extraterrestrial life, so there’s almost no correlation to this piece at all. My reference to signs is more like the 1971 song, Signs, by the group Five Man Electric Band. Everyone (who’s super-old) remembers that song right? Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs. Do this! Don’t do that? Can’t you read the signs? But I digress.There is a very strong chance that the New Year will is either going to be a Good one or Bad one, depending on what signs are coming your way.
25 Signs that it will be a Good New Year
1. Despite your over exposure to everything i (iPad, iTouch, iPod, iMac) you have not yet shown any symptoms of contracting “iBola.”
2. No one in your family is dating a Kardashian.
3. Mama June and Sugar Bear get back together for the sake of Honey Boo Boo.
4. A scientist in the Ukraine has finally developed a fat free donut that tastes just as good as a real one.
5. You used all your bitcoins in 2014.
6. Since the creepy neighbor moved away, none of the family pets have had unexplained absences.
7. Words with Friends recently accepted you back after the mandatory thirty-day suspension for habitually playing porn slang.
8. You sold your Cosby Show DVD box set to someone who just came out of a coma.
9. You gave your teen daughter a $20.00 to get a Starbuck’s drink and she actually gave you change.
10. The Witness Protection Program finally accepted you, a week before your scheduled visit with the in-laws.
11. Due to your more than normal consumption of candy canes during the holidays, your classic “Pull my finger” joke now features a subtle waft of peppermint.
12. Your savings account balance is sporting its first comma in months.
13. Your wife says she’s feeling frisky and it’s not even your birthday.
14. Thanks to the frequency of your holiday work orders, Roto-Rooter sent you a “Customer of the Quarter” plaque.
15. The water bill arrived and for the first time in the past year it was less than your mortgage.
16. The FX network announced they’ve decided to run one more season of your favorite show, Sons of Anarchy.
17. Your 17 year old son tells you he’s having second thoughts about getting those cool gauges in his ears for his 18th birthday.
18. Your boss, who you don’t like, just got transferred to the company’s Ferguson, Missouri branch. What…too soon?
19. Your HOA approved your plans to add a moat in your front yard.
20. Your kid’s doctor says the itchy scalp is simple dandruff and not head lice.
21. Due to your recent weight loss, people can finally make out the Def Leppard tattoo you got in ’84 during their Pour Some Sugar on Me tour.
22. You just met your ex-wife’s new husband and he looks miserable.
23. You bought an expensive electronics device at Best Buy and 14 days later it’s still NOT obsolete.
24. Your ISIS application was rejected for lack of anger and meanness.
25. You submit your New Year’s article two days before the ALIVE deadline instead of the standard ten days late. You’re thinking Pulitzer.
25 Signs that it will be a Bad New Year.
1. There’s police crime scene tape surrounding your house following your raging New Year’s Eve Party.
2. You’re considering leaving your outdoor holiday lights up all year to class up the neighborhood.
3. Your physician says that the lab results indicate you have two weeks to live and then he apologizes he couldn’t reach you during the holidays.
4. Your credit score is a single digit number.
5. 2015 is the newest calendar year and also your blood pressure reading.
6. Your New Year’s kiss was with your cellmate Rocco.
7. The Salvation Army called to say they want their red kettle back.
8. At the start of the NFL season, you bet it all on either the Raiders or 49ers winning the Super Bowl in 2015.
9. Your wife gives you a gift card to Forever 61 and you’re only 50.
10. The World’s Fattest Man sends you an email telling you to “Back Off!”
11. Your revised financial plan focuses heavily on Lottery tickets.
12. Your teenage daughter went on Craig’s List offering to trade both of your kidneys for Miley Cyrus tickets.
13. During a recent physical, your physician asks if you’re allergic to embalming fluid.
14. The kid’s college fund depends on you selling your gold crowns on ebay.
15. You’re thinking of filing a work place sexual harassment complaint and you’re self-employed.
16. After six months of intense cross fit training you’re wife says she finds you slightly less disgusting.
17. Your high school reunion now looks like a cast party from Cocoon.
18. Your current “To Do” list reads like a suicide note.
19. Your wife’s cooking has gotten so bad you appear to be a prisoner of war.
20. The cologne your kids bought your for Christmas makes you smell like an ATM machine.
21. Your wife tells you she’s into something kinky, so she handcuffs you to the bed and goes shopping.
22. You’re on a first name basis with the staff at Applebee’s.
23. The balance in your family vacation account would currently only get you a one-night stay at the Motel 6 in Pleasanton.
24. The dog refuses to take a walk with you until you lose some weight.
25. Your wife insists that you learn to write with your left hand so you can keep paying the bills if you have a stroke.
The signs have spoken, although it’s probably safe to say the signs above might be slightly different that the ones you’re receiving. Let’s hope the signs coming your way point to a good new year. Signing off…………
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