Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays, right up there with Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day and Arbor Day (who doesn’t like planting trees?). What’s the biggest difference between Halloween and all other holidays of lesser fun? On Halloween you are required to wear a costume. Costumes are cool. If you can find just the right apparel and accessories a good costume can transform a person into anything or anyone that they might want to be for a night. That last sentence kind of sounds like I’m talking about cross dressing, not that there’s anything wrong with that. As much as I like and take pride in my annual costumes, every year it’s the same question: What am I going to be for Halloween? It doesn’t matter that I’m 49 and stopped Trick-or-Treating when I was a kid (23), there’s still a lot of pressure to find just the perfect costume.
“I’m going to be a cowgirl cause I already got all the stuff. Boots, hat, vest and a bandana. Wanna see?” Lauren B. Age 9, Danville.
When I was a youngster, my mother made most of my costume decisions. Cry as I might, she just wouldn’t buy into my ideas of serial killer, big time wrestler or adult film star. So, despite my protests, I wore all the traditional classics; pirate, cowboy, caveman, toilet paper mummy. During those adolescent years, when money was tight because dad was dressing up as a degenerate gambler every weekend during football season, I was convinced to wear dirty old clothes and tell people I was bum or a hobo. Sadly, a lot of neighbors just thought I was too lazy to dress up. Today, it’s not politically correct to pretend to be a homeless person, but isn’t hoboness really just a lifestyle choice? Isn’t a hobo just a businessman who got tired of the grind in a bad economy and took to traveling the country utilizing our elaborate train system (by way of an empty freight car)? Truthfully, I can’t tell you the last time I saw a hobo, but I’m sure they are still out there.
“I might be Captain America. Did you know his shield can cut through metal and protect you from bullets?” Carter L., Age 7, Danville.
High school had its ups and downs when it came to dressing up for All Hallows Eve Night. As a freshman, you certainly didn’t want to stand out or appear dorky showing up for a Pumpkin Walk that may never actually happen. You could find yourself standing all alone on one of the school’s tennis courts in a wicked cool matador costume while others mock you. Tears of pain don’t just bounce off a spandex bull-dodging suit like you might think—they stain. Damn those chess club pranksters! It was different when our sophomore glee club dressed up as the cast of Grease. Unfortunately, I drew Sandy as my character. Hells Angels was the theme our junior year and we were bad ass. That was until we ran into some actual Hells Angels at the mall and they made us strip down and walk home in our underwear—three miles—and it was raining. Finally, my senior year rocked! Me and my boys dressed as the members of the rock band KISS. It’s just tough to look very “swag” in 11 inch platform shoes and runny demon make-up. By the end of the night, I just looked like a teenage San Francisco drag queen.
“Guess what I’m going to be….. he’s from Star Wars, he’s on the dark side and he’s Darth Vader.” Jake A. Age 6 ½, Pleasanton.
College brought all kinds of new and exciting costume ideas even though every Halloween frat party I ever attended, during my four…five….okay, six years of collegiate bliss, had a “Pimp and Hooker” theme. Not that I’m complaining. Fortunately there are a lot of television pimps to draw inspiration from for costume ideas; there was Huggy Bear from the series Starsky and Hutch, Rooster was a main character on Baretta and let us not forget Prime Time Neon Dion Sanders of the Dallas Cowboys whenever he appeared on a pre-game show before Monday Night Football. Fortunately, I still had my 11 inch Kiss platform shoes and a slick burgundy crushed velvet smoking jacket to get me into character. My signature line was, “back off sucker before I cut you.” The co-ed ladies-of-the-night loved my protective dark side.
“I’m going to be a princess because I like them and want to be one. And that is the costume mommy bought me from Costco.” Madison O., Age 5, Danville
In my bar hopping early 20s, it was one super hero costume after another. Superman, Spiderman, Aquaman, Captain America, Captain Shots, Captain Drunk Guy and my favorite, Captain Hit On Every Girl In the Bar. That was the year I met my wife.
As a married man and now father, I find myself tending toward a more conservative costume. There’s the ever popular, Plastic Surgeon (a lot of women want a second opinion), the sexy youth soccer coach (Mustang provide us with the hunkiest Nike dry fit coaching shirts) and the fan favorite, parish priest (if you don’t mind listening to people confess their sins –and I don’t). Of course it really doesn’t matter what costume I wear, it is assured to embarrass my daughters (Ages 12 and 14). We’ve been invited to the same family friend’s party for years and each year they get older I become unexplainably more embarrassing. There’s nothing I can wear that won’t mortify them if their friends are within a three mile radius. Now my strategy is just to achieve maximum shock value. Male cheerleader, Studio 54 Roller Disco Superstar and Tooth Fairy are my “go to” costumes whenever they’ve been misbehaving or disrespectful.
“I think I’m going to be a cheerleader because I like cheerleaders and cheering is fun,” Nadia L., Age 7, Danville
But alas, I’m back to where I started. What am I going to be for Halloween this year? To dress as a local magazine writer would just drive the neighborhood women crazy and if I were to suit up as an anonymous member of the underground protest group Anonymous I might draw unwanted attention to myself. I could always be an Indian, construction worker, policeman or one of the other members of the Village People. I respect firemen way too much to pretend to be a fireman. No one would buy me as a professional athlete, unless I dressed up as a member of the Pro Bowlers Tour. Apparently it looks like life has finally come full circle and I’m destined to bring back the pirate, cowboy or caveman. My mother would be so happy. Although given the current economy and present state of commercial real estate, hobo might not be a stretch. Don’t be surprised if I ring your doorbell and ask for candy. I’m old school that way.
“I have no idea what I’m going to be! What are you going to be?” Michelle C., Age 9, San Ramon
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