In recent years we have heard a great deal about renaming sports teams that have names considered offensive to Native Americans. The primary objects have been such professional teams as football’s Washington “Redskins” and baseball’s Atlanta “Braves” and Cleveland “Indians,” as well as smaller teams with similar names. We will not belabor that point which has been made so often and so emphatically. We will deal with other sports teams whose names do not precede our European, African, and Asian ancestors, but rather because the are either misleading or make no sense whatsoever.
With June marking the second month of the season and the indoor, winter sport of basketball finally coming to a close, the time has come to examine those team names involved in the National pastime, which is still BASEBALL. We might also take a peek at some other team names that make little or no sense.
Some team names make sense because of their location or an article of clothing. For instance, Seattle borders Puget sound, the Pacific Ocean, and suffers with about 527 days of rain annually: hence, the Mariners. The American League Chicago and Boston teams identify themselves by the color of their socks: White Sox and Red Sox , respectively, not to mention the original name of the Cincinnati Red Stockings, now just the Reds. For the Houston, Texas, team Astros makes a great deal of sense. (The space program, Tom Hanks, and “Houston, we have a problem!”) The New York Mets play in the largest METropolitan in North America, as do the Yankees. (We will not touch that one for fear of invoking another “Babe Ruthian” curse.)
Animal names try to indicate a fierce attitude that will not offend, but still give a fighting, tough image for the team. Are the Arizona Diamondbacks really poisonous and deadly? (Probably not, at least until they get some better pitching.) Florida’s Marlins suggests a laid back, “Let’s go fishing” attitude, while across the state the Tampa Bay Devil Rays suggest aggression again.
The business people in Chicago are torn between the Bulls and the Bears. Perhaps they should just concentrate on the World Series championship Cubs. In hockey the “Second City” returns to Native Americans with the Blackhawks.
Now it is incumbent upon the writer of this column to identify some of the mis-named or badly named teams. (Anything to get away from politics for a while.) To carry out that duty, we shall begin in our own backyard with the Oakland Athletics or A’s, who before coming west resided in Philadelphia and Kansas City. When the old Pacific Coast League played AAA ball on the West Coast, Oakland had the Oaks, like the big strong tree. Why not once again? Based on their performance in the past few years, let’s change from the A’s to the C Minuses. (Once a school teacher, always etc.) For now, Oakland also has the Warriors. “Warriors?” Perhaps the Finessers. Or maybe the Show Timers #2, but not Warriors. They have too much fun to be WARriors. Anyway, they are another Philadelphia team that migrated west to the Promised Land.
Then we have the San Francisco 49’ers who play in Santa Clara. Is there anyone living outside of an institution or a cave who would confuse Santa Clara with San Francisco? (The way the team played last season might get them moved to the Middle East or Ketchikan, Alaska.)
Oakland Raiders? Las Vegas Raiders? Maybe they should have Bekins somewhere in their name. (Is it not strange the way winning covers up and even solves problems?)
When we travel to our friends in Southern California, we really find the misuse of language in team names. In Northern Tiajuana–oops, that’s San Diego–we find the Padres. While many, if not most, of the original Padres were good men, some of them treated the Native Americans like slaves or like savage children, treatment vastly worse than naming sports teams irrationally.
It is in the Los Angeles, however, that we find the real naming culprits. The original Brooklyn team received the name Dodgers because they had to dodge streetcars to get to the ball park. Has anyone ever ridden a streetcar in Los Angeles? Has anyone ever SEEN a streetcar in Los Angeles? (I actually did ride them back in the late 1940s and early 1950s.) Perhaps a better name would be the L. A. Traffic Sitters or Freeway Parkers. Maybe simply the LaLas.
The other baseball team in So Cal is the Anaheim or Los Angeles Angels or Halos. At the risk of sounding like a mathematician, I say “Anaheim is to Los Angeles as Santa Clara is to San Francisco.” They should follow the Disneyesque example of the hockey Ducks and become the Mice or the Mickeys. (It ain’t gonna happen!)
Once again Los Angeles has the football Rams. That is, of course, the Cleveland Rams who begat the Los Angeles Rams who begat the St. Louis Rams who . . . Sounds almost Biblical. Pick a name, any name will do, although those ram’s horns on the helmets look really cool.
Which brings us to the basketball Los Angeles Lakers, long, long ago the Minneapolis Lakers as in Land of a Thousand Lakes. Yes, there are lakes within the City of Angels; there is even a Silverlake District. To be consistent, however, they would have to be called the Large Puddles, which is not terribly masculine. Call them the Valleys, the Freeways, the Tar Pits—anything but Lakers.
Finally, in round ball we come to the most egregious and absurd name in all of professional sports: the Utah Jazz. UTAH = JAZZ! An oxymoron if there ever was one. The state of Utah has some magnificent scenery such as Bryce, Zion, and the Arches; tons of lovely mountains; salt flats; and in their lake full of sodium chloride. They have one of the world’s greatest choirs whose classical and show music has few peers. However, JAZZ?? When the team resided in New Orleans, that name made geographical and musical sense, even more than the current Pelicans. (As one who frequented the Hermosa Beach Lighthouse while in college during his often misspent youth and still loves to hear real jazz, I find the concept appalling.)
But enough about basketball, the indoor, winter game still being played in June. Certainly enough about four hours of commercials occasionally interrupted by a football game. Hockey? Booooring! We have survived the long, cold, wet, empty winter months and BASEBALL is back and in full swing. It does not really matter to this old baseball nut what we call the teams. All we need to know are the last twelve words of The Star-Spangled Banner:
“Land of the free and the home of the brave, PLAY BALL!”
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