More and more of my friends, relatives, and business associates are starting to fall apart. Once you hit about 50 years old, your body’s warranty basically expires and you have to start replacing the parts. Knees, hips, shoulders, teeth, and eyes all have an expiration date.I’m in pretty good shape, but I’ve already had a vasectomy, my gall bladder removed, and every crown in my mouth has needed to be replaced with one molar being completely removed. At least it wasn’t a front tooth. I might actually replace an incisor since it’s been said I have a dazzling smile… by my mom.
Virtually anyone over 50 years old can remember The Six Million Dollar Man. When Colonel Steve Austin crashes while flying an experimental aircraft his legs, right arm and left arm rebuilt using bionic implants. Sadly, at the end of the second season of TSMDM, Colonel Austin’s new girlfriend, Jamie Sommers, had a parachuting accident. Who packed her chute? Fortunately for her, Steve’s primary-care physician had the technology to rebuild her too. As part of her bionic replacement surgery, she also got a new set of legs, a left arm and an ear. I wonder how I would get along with a bionic gall bladder and molar? What about a bionic… I better not go there, this is a family magazine.
While Lee Majors and Lindsey Wagner had to get their parts replaced for the sake of the story line, people are staying more youthful and active today due to the advancements in medicine and technology. Allow me to expand on this notion.
Eyes: Over 10 million Americans have had LASIK eye surgery since it was FDA approved in 1999 and roughly 700,000 surgeries are performed every year in the U.S. As I am one of these people who wear either glasses or contacts to correct my near sightedness, I have considered the surgery, but I do look pretty suave and debonair in my glasses. But seriously, the thought of having my eyeballs sliced up and zapped with a laser gives me the creeps. I have known plenty of people who had the procedure done and none of them have gone blind, but I just imagine me getting a little fidgety on the table and ziz-zap, there’s a seeing-eye dog and white cane in my future. The average age of a LASIK patient was originally 40, but it has recently come down to 38. Eyeballs are like cell phones, meaning once they start wearing out, the user might as well upgrade.
Hips: Hip replacement surgery is a procedure in which a doctor surgically removes a diseased hip joint with arthritis or some other painful condition and replaces it with an artificial joint, often made from metal and plastic components. It usually is done when all other treatment options have failed to provide adequate pain relief. My hips are fine today, and as any Shakira fan knows, Hips Don’t Lie. However, my Zumba classes may one day catch up to me and then who knows what the future holds because more than 300,000 hip replacement surgeries are performed annually in the United States alone. The average age of a hip replacement patient is 68. Assuming I’m average, I should get a few more years out of the original parts.
Knees: Knee replacement can be total or partial. If a knee is damaged by arthritis, replacing part of the joint may bring relief. However, total knee replacement (TKR) surgery involves the replacement of both sides of the knee joint. This is the most common procedure and from what I hear; much tougher to recover from than hip replacement. Unlike hips, knees do lie. Again, my knees seem to be pretty healthy today, but to stay in shape I hike, play tennis, jump rope, and actively compete in underground kickboxing. I’m only kidding—I don’t hike. According to research, Wikipedia’s not mine, approximately 600,000 TKRs are performed each year and TKR patients usually range in age between 50 and 80, with the average age being close to 70, which means I have about another 13 years with the parts God gave me.
Teeth: A filling or crown may fall out for a number of reasons, such as when, over time, chewing hard foods loosens the filling or saliva breaks down the bonding. Worse still, a filling or crown might fall out because of tooth decay in which the foundation of the tooth rots away, causing it to lose support and fall out. This typically starts happening to people in their early to mid-50s. This is obviously my demographic, however my filling and crown loss can be directly related to my love of taffy, toffee, and Haribo Gummy Bears. Losing a tooth is generally due to advanced gum disease. This is when a bacterial infection attacks your gums, tissue, and surrounding bones. My dentist and I recommend brushing your teeth, flossing on a regular basis and staying away from delicious, chewy treats.
Heart, Liver, Kidney and Lungs: These organs do occasionally give out, but not at the rate of the other appendages. Otoplasty (ear pinning), Rhinoplasty (nose job) or Scroplasty (family magazine) don’t really count because while there’s nothing wrong with altering one’s appearance, in most cases the original parts didn’t actually fail. On the other hand, my hair did completely fail me years ago, except for what I have on my back. I choose to embrace my follicle breakdown by maintaining a John Malkovich/Bruce Willis/Stone Cold (WWF) Steve Austin look.
My first car was a 1966 Chevy Malibu, passed down from my parents. When I got my teenage hands on that fine automobile, I immediately began restoring it because, while still a strong vehicle, the original parts were wearing out. I put on new tires, replaced the fuel pump and carburetor, and installed a stereo and speakers. Since we all have a lot of miles on our personal chassis, it’s no surprise that the parts are in need of replacement. My plan is to get all the work done at the same time, right before Halloween. This way, I can have a killer Halloween costume taking full advantage of the stitches, scars, bandages, eye patches, limp, and painful grunts.
Look for me at your party. I’ll be the scary guy with real blood, swelling, and puss stains.
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